Recently I sent out a survey inquiring about issues parents wanted help with. The feedback I received entailed learning how to manage tantrums, dealing with resistance to transitions and coping with parent guilt.
As each parenting situation is different, I thought it be best to start off with listing a few books I believe are helpful to any parent who wants to feel more in control and less guilty.
1) Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell - The essence of this book is to help you as a parent understand the science behind your emotions and how your childhood is currently influencing your parenting.
What I loved about this book is how much it normalizes what many of us parents are feeling at one point or another. I also loved the parental self-reflection exercise that personally gave me an opportunity reflect on who I was as a child. Forewarning- this part was difficult, at least for me, because it did tap into some pain from my childhood. Be that as it may, I strongly encourage every parent to consider the importance of some of these questions. Once you decide to take on the questions in this book, be sure to also bring a notebook and a box of tissues.
2) Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté - this book is geared to parents who are interested in learning how to keep their child close especially during the teen years.
What I love - it gives hope to those of us who believe it is normal for teens to detach from us and want nothing to do with us. It also informs us of how certain behaviors from toddlerhood end up feeding into this sense of teenage detachment. I also love how real it is about topics surrounding peer pressure and sexuality.
What I don't love about this book is some of the verbiage that may spark insecurities within a parent. There were moments where I thought some people might feel like they are being shamed. Overall though, I would recommend parents read this book even if you don't have a teenager yet because laying the foundation now with your young child can help make things better by the time they reach the tween and teen years.
3) Parenting with Theraplay by Vivien Norris and Helen Rodwell - this book is particularly helpful in understanding how children and parent attach anmd detach both verbally and non-verbally.
What I love about this book - it explains four different ways we can connect with each other, signs to look for that indicate we are having trouble connecting and games we can play with our child to help facilitate a stronger bond.
What I don't like about this book is how overwhelming it may be for some parents because of how much information it provides through the lens of a therapeutic approach that some may not be familiar with. Guidance from a therapist trained in Theraplay can help with reducing any sense of overwhelm. I would recommend this book for any parent who is looking for tips/strategies on how to connect with your child and feel more in control as a parent.
Overall, there is no shortage of parenting books on the market. The three aforementioned, are ones that have helped me on my parenting journey and as a result I have recommended to some of the parents I worked with and have seen it help them.
Would you like to share you the names of books that have helped you on your parenting journey? Feel free to share them below.
If you are you interested in taking the survey to let me me know how I can help you, click here.
Thank you for reading!
Last month I discussed the insight I learned from my five year old child regarding oppositional behavior. This month, I'm going to share something else I became enlightened to.
During the month of May, I was discussing celebrating Mother's day and Father's day and how, in our household, the mother and/or father get to do whatever their heart desires. Cue in my daughter who asks, "Is their a children's day?" My adult self immediately retorted, "everyday is children's day," but then therapist self came into the picture and realized the following:
While it seems like everyday is children's day because children typically don't have to work, pay bills and care for children, the truth of the matter is children have just as much stress and exhaustion as adults. Think about it, in a typical school-aged child's life, they have to:
So, after my daughter's inquiry, I Googled children's day and wouldn't you know, there is a National Children's Day celebrated on the second Sunday of June. There is also an International Children's Day celebrated on November 20th. National Children's day is about recognizing children for how great they are and as well remembering that children are sometimes still exploited and also struggle for a variety of reasons including poverty.
In recognition of National Children's Day, I want to provide a few suggestions on how you can recognize the greatness of your child. Here a few things to consider doing:
1) Play with them - whether you are playing a structured game with rules or letting them lead you into imaginary play, the goal is to have uninterrupted play where they are leading and have say over what's happening. I know this is a hard concept for many but check out one of my past blog posts to learn how to have more fun at least while playing board games.
2) Let them choose what they want to do - I recently watched a movie called Yes Day. The premise is that the parents are challenged for 24 hours to say Yes to whatever their children ask for. While I was at first skeptical and practical about the notion, after watching the movie it allowed me see how it could work.
So, I challenge you to first watch the movie so you know what I'm talking about and then reflect on what you can incorporate in your household that will allow your child(ren) to feel like they are in charge. For me, I'm playing with the idea of having a Yes morning, afternoon or evening. Basically, a few hours where my child can decide how we are to spend it. Rules of course are allowed. ;)
3) Make a card for your child - isn't wonderful when we receive affirmation of how great we are? Kids love it as well. Perhaps you can draw them something or create a craft with them. Not creative? Head over to your local craft store (the Dollar Store work just fine) and pick up a painting kit or anything you can create for your child or with your child. Let go of the notion of it being perfect and just have fun with it. Need some other tips? Check out this blog post to learn more about showing your child love.
Overall, anytime you spend with your child that doesn't have interruptions and allows them to show you who they are, is time well spent. It doesn't just have to be a designated day like National Children's day but having a designated day in the year helps to remind us to take time to show appreciation.
Thank you for reading!
Ever since I started training to become a play therapist my perception of why children do what they do, especially when they are being oppositional, has changed. Recently, I had an experience with my five year old who had a two day surge of defiance. Our days went from mostly smooth sailing with sporadic refusals, to two straight days of complete refusal at everything I asked of her.
Being the trained therapist I am, I first assessed for the following:
1) Have there been any recent changes in her routine?
2) Is she coming down with a cold?
3) Is she hungry?
4) Is she tired?
Knowing that none were the culprit for her resistance, I was perplexed. I started to feel angry and resentful. My therapist part was telling me there was a reason for her behavior and I should be understanding but another part of me was checking out and wanted to be alone - away from her.
Fast forward to a few mornings after and my spouse told me about a conversation she had with him. My five year old disclosed she was upset with me because... wait for it... "Mama wasn't getting mad!" :0 In other words, my daughter was trying to rile me up. Her defiance was meant to spark a strong angry reaction from me.
Hence this blog post. While I'm generally a private person and don't like to share details of my life with people outside of my intimate circle, I did want to share my recent experience in the hopes it normalizes and validates what you and many parents experience at one point or another.
So, what is the lesson to be learned from this experience? Children often want us to feel how they feel. And, if they don't think we are getting it, they will find a way to make us feel what they are feeling.
In this situation, my daughter was trying to get me mad because she was mad. What she got from me instead, which I'm been working hard on and am proud of, was a calm, patient mom who validated her feelings but still told her she had to take care of her responsibilities. What she really wanted, however, was a mom who got upset because it would in some way validate her experience.
Now this may sound confusing but here is an example my husband reminded me of - have you ever been so mad and upon telling someone how mad you were, they just turned around and gave you a calm, non-expressive response? Do you remember How it made you feel? Did you welcome their calm energy or did it piss you off even further? Chances are, it made you more angry and even a bit confused. Why? Because you may have felt like they were not taking you seriously or were being dismissive. This is what some children feel.
So, does this mean we turn around and be mad at our kids? No, but we can be mad WITH them. We can join in their anger and perhaps share some of their energy so as to relate empathy. Here is what I tried and recommend:
1) Listen to what they are saying - after repeatedly telling my daughter, to brush her teeth, she replied, "I said no! Mama, you are making me so angry that I just want to fight you!" :0 Whoa! This statement triggered a strong reaction from me.
2) Detach from taking it personally - My vindictive part wanted to pull the parent card and show her "who's boss" while my compassionate part wanted to help her. So, I took a deep breath and channeled my compassionate part.
This is the part of me who doesn't see her statement as a threat/challenge but instead as a need. What was the need? I didn't know at the time, but I knew that continuing to push the issue of brushing her teeth wasn't the answer. The deep breath I took allowed me to disconnect from my own anger and frustration and remind myself that I'm dealing with a five year old who is still trying to make sense of the adult world around her.
3) Get playful - After coming to my logical senses, I realized I should try engaging her in a playful way that may help regulate her anger. I furrowed my brows, lowered myself to her level, made eye contact and said, "You want to fight me huh? Okay, come on, fight me. Let me see how much you can push my hands."
I placed my open hands in front of her and let her push them. I pretended she had so much strength that she was able to "push" me backwards. I said things like, "Oh wow, you are really pushing me. You are so strong and so mad." I then pretended to fall to my knees, which made her laugh thereby giving me permission to laugh. That then turned into some light tickling and led to some hugs. As I was hugging her, I then walked her into the bathroom and put the toothbrush in front of her. The result? She ended up brushing her teeth with no resistance. Yay!!! (Side note: I then collapsed on my bed and took some time to regulate my system).
While I realize it takes energy to embrace our playful side, put aside our agenda and our pride, I am the first to admit that moving forward, I will continue to assess her need and try to get playful first. Again, this isn't possible every time but it is doable and it works.
I would love to hear your comments and/or address any questions you have.
Feel free to share them below. And as always, thank you for reading.
Christine M. Valentín
Welcome to my blog where I provide tips on learning how to connect with your child and how to feel more in control of your parenting journey.
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