In last month's blog post, I shared common reasons playing with our kids can be hard for many parents. Reasons like not having enough time, being too exhausted and in some cases, simply not enjoying little kids’ games were discussed. Missed that last blog post? Check it out here.

But, there’s another barrier I didn’t touch upon last month, which is: “Is my kid even having fun playing with me?”

So many parents – myself included at times – don’t know how to properly gauge whether their child is authentically having a good time.

Questions like, "Are they having fun playing with me?", "Do they even want to be playing this game right now?", "Are they bored?", are just a few of the questions that can arise when we are doubting our ability to engage our child. 

All of these worries are super common and normal for parents to have. I especially find this to be common among parents who are single parents and/or divorced. Today, I’m here to offer you some signs to look out for that will let you know your child is having fun playing with you. Tips on how to play with your child in a way that’s enjoyable for both of you will also be provided.


Signs that your child is having fun with you

First, I want to acknowledge the fact that while I'm trained to look out for these signs, I'm in no way an expert on your child and your relationship dynamic. I firmly believe that when parents are attuned to their child, they know them best and will instinctually know when their child is authentically having fun. So, do pay attention to your instinct. On the flip side, for some parents, it can be hard to pay attention to that instinct because they may have been taught to not trust it. Whether you are attuned or not, here are some signs to look out for. 

1) Your Child is laughing in an amazing, almost contagious way

Kids who are having a good time will often let out a deep belly laugh. You know the one – that silly, amazing laugh that sounds like pure joy. It’s that laugh that they’ve had since they were babies.

Researchers say that babies’ laughter is so infectious because it’s authentic. And our ability to recognize genuine laughter (vs. a “fake laugh”) is universal across nations and cultures.

So that’s what you’re looking for – that genuine belly laugh that lets you know that your child is having a great time. 

You may be wondering, can kids “fake laugh”? Yes, they can. Sometimes this laugh sounds like a nervous giggle or an exaggerated loud laugh.

In my practice, I've noticed that a fake laugh most commonly comes up when a parent is tickling a child and/or playing a competitive game. What starts out as genuine play and laughter can easily turn into a nervous laugh when the child is starting to feel uncomfortable and wants to stop playing but doesn't know how.

Being mindful of when your child's authentic belly laugh changes to a nervous giggle or almost yelling laugh can help you gauge when you may want to take a break and change to something else. 

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2) They are focused and not disconnecting 

Another sign that your child is having a truly good time playing with you is that they’re focused on the play and are not trying to distract you with their “antics.” 

Often in my play practice, I notice parents who are excited to play a new game/activity with their child only to be met with a child who either gets up and tries to play with something else or tries to annoy the parent by doing something silly.

This can look like poking the parent, using language that the parent doesn't approve of, moving away from the parent. etc.

I refer to such behavior as a disconnection. Such moments of disconnection can often be accompanied by a lot of giggling. 

Typically, when this happens, it is usually the child's way of letting us know that they are not enjoying themselves and want to move on to something else.

If your child is not doing this, then great! They are more than likely enjoying play time with you. If they are disconnecting, then move on to something else.  


3) They directly tell you they’re having fun and don't want to stop

Don’t underestimate the power of words. Kids will often tell you if they’re having a good time as well as when they’re bored. If your child tells you that they don’t want to play with something because it’s boring, believe them! 

If they also tell you how much fun they are having, believe them too! Sometimes parents can doubt how much fun a child is having because the type of activity/play they are doing doesn't fit into the parents' definition of fun. 

Kids don’t tend to lie about these things and by honoring their likes and dislikes it can make them feel more comfortable to return again for some more. 


Why isn’t my child having fun playing with me?

Now, let’s talk about the next burning question, which is: Why doesn’t it seem like my child is having fun? For some parents this can feel devastating but try not to take it personally. Instead, ty to understand that it may be more about what and how you’re playing.

Some of the most common reasons children don’t have fun when playing are:
 

• The activity is too advanced or challenging: if an activity is above your child's developmental level and they feel pressure to perform vs play, then they may see it more as a learning activity vs a play activity. 

 

• The adult is focusing more on competition than on fun and creativity: It’s hard for us, as adults, to remember that playing is about – and only about – having FUN! (Learn more here about the different types of play). The time you have set aside to play with your child, should not be about winning, following rules, teachable moments, or any of that. It should be about laughing, being silly and getting lost in time. 

 

• The adult is taking too much of a leading role: Children typically have more fun when they’re able to have input in how to play. In other words, if they want to change the rules of a game or make up imaginary, unrealistic stories, let them! As adults, sometimes we will focus on teaching social skills, science facts or straight up just taking over the play because we have our own play agenda. When this happens, a child can feel like they are not being accepted for who they are and how they want to express themselves. 

  

• The setting isn’t ideal for your child: Sometimes, children don’t have fun because the setting isn’t great for play – it may be too noisy, too crowded, too many toys lying around and distracting them, or they, themselves, might be hungry or tired.

While there are certainly other reasons your child may not enjoy playtime with you - like sound and touch sensitives, the important thing is to pay attention to your child's verbal and non-verbal signals. Doing so will help you identify patterns during their play and will ultimately allow you to address barriers that are coming up. 


The last thing I will leave you with is information about a Summer Camp I am hosting for parents this Summer. 

One of the things I love about my practice is being able to help parents and children learn how to play together in a loving and joyful way. Witnessing their moments of connection and hearing their genuine laughter brings a true sense of fulfillment to me. 

Due to my time limitations, unfortunately, I'm unable to help as many families as I would like to, so I've put together a "camp" for Parents in the hopes of helping more families.

This two-hour, four day, in-person workshop is aimed at helping parents learn how to play with their child and connect with other parents in the same boat.

Essentially, the Summer Camp for Parents will focus on helping parents of 3-8 year old's:
 

• learn about toys to help children manage big emotions

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• strategize and implement a playtime routine that prioritizes connecting and bonding vs prioritizing other adult things

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• identify barriers from their own childhood that may be blocking them from playing with their child the way they wish they could

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• identify ways to make ending playtime and transitioning to something else easier

 

• learn what kinds of play the adult likes and how it can be turned into a form of self-care  

I'm limiting this camp to four individuals so that I can provide tailored suggestions and have one on one time with each person as we play with various toys/tools.

Toys, light refreshments and snacks will also be provided. 

Get in touch with me for more information and to sign up!

Thank you as always for taking time to read this! 

Let’s be real: co-parenting a child is hard – and that goes even for couples who are still together. 

You’re two different people. You might have been raised differently or come from different backgrounds. And that means that you may not always agree on how to parent the child(ren) that you share. So, what can you do when you and your partner/ex disagree about something as important as parenting?

It sucks to be in this position, but it’s really normal. I see a lot of parents in my practice trying to come to an agreement about parenting styles. Maybe you want to try gentle parenting, while your partner/ex prefers a more authoritarian approach. Maybe you’re having disagreements about how much responsibility your children should have around the house, or what type of discipline is the most appropriate.

Some other common parenting disagreements include decisions about bedtime, screen time, what they should eat, religious beliefs and practices, how much money to spend on the kids, and more. There are so many varying expert opinions out there about all of these things. Even if you and your partner/ex have completely opposing views, you could probably both find experts to support you. It’s hard to know who’s “right” in these types of arguments!

But the thing is, it’s not about who’s “right.” And it’s important to deal with different parenting styles in a way that sends the right message to your children. You might have heard the saying that parents need to be a united front or as my pediatrician told me, “kids will learn how to divide and conquer if the parents are on different pages”– and there’s so much truth to this. Consistency is always key when it comes to parenting, and that remains true even if you’re having parenting disagreements.

How to deal with different parenting styles: Do’s and don’ts
This isn’t the ultimate authority on how to navigate this challenge with your partner/ex. You know your relationship much better than I do, and it could be possible that you need a deeper intervention (like mediation or therapy) to come to an agreement.

But, in general, following these do’s and don’ts when dealing with different parenting styles can help you protect both your child’s well-being as well as your relationship dynamic.

1. Do find a compromise, and try different approaches togethers. 
Even if you agree only to try something out for a few weeks as an experiment, it’s important that you are unified. For example, let’s say that one parent wants to use grounding as a discipline method while the other doesn’t believe it’s useful. If your child learns that they’ll get grounded by one parent but not the other (for the same misbehavior), then this will cause a lot of confusion for everyone involved. When you agree to try something out, both of you need to back each other up.

2. Don’t argue in front of your child, especially if you know that the argument will cause either one of you to explode.
It’s okay for your child to see that you have disagreements that you work through sometimes. But it’s best that they don’t witness shouting, name-calling, or other ugly things that can come up during parental fights. They also shouldn’t be the decision-maker of who “wins” the argument – for example, don’t ask them their opinion on which parenting style they prefer. Keep it between the grown-ups.

3. Do know that it’s normal to have disagreements about parenting styles. Most couples talk about parenting, at least a little, before they have a baby. But unfortunately, there’s no way to really test parenting styles out until you already have a child. You and your partner/ex don’t have to agree on everything, and this doesn’t have to mean the end of your communication. Many parents work through these disagreements and find some common ground.

4. Don’t make it about proving your partner/ex wrong.
This isn’t about being “right” or “winning” the argument. It’s about doing what’s best for your child – and when arguments like this happen, it’s because both of you want to do right by your child (and you think your way is what’s best). Express concerns rather than trying to win. Explain to your partner/ex why this parenting style or decision is so important to you. If possible, talk about how you were parented, and what you want to do differently (or similarly) to your parents.

5. Don’t make shady comments about your partner/ex to your kids.
You know what I’m talking about – those sly or sarcastic comments that throw your partner/ex under the bus. I get it; it can be hard to bite your tongue sometimes. But kids pick up on more than we think, and can tell when you’re not being genuine. All this does is teach your child that it’s okay to be passive-aggressive and fight “dirty.”

6. Do consider getting outside support.
If you can’t come to an agreement yourselves, then a therapist/religious leader/trusted family member may be able to help. Such individuals, including a couples or parenting therapist can provide a safe, neutral space where you can talk through your disagreements. They could give some education and guidance on what has worked for other parents as well as what the research says about some of the best methods for parenting. They may also help you both find common ground and come to a compromise. Another reality is sometimes parents are overwhelmed and fighting because they don't know how to connect to their child and/or their child has unique needs. Family therapy is another source of support that can help. 

Lastly, consider a parent support group. There are so many different types of groups but one that is aimed at helping parents improve their skills of communication and compromise can be beneficial. While I don't work with couples directly, you should know of two groups I am facilitating.

One group is the Single Moms Support Group for Women of Color. This group is for single mothers who identify as a Woman of Color and want to connect with other single moms who understand the hardships of raising a child in a single parent household as well as trying to raise their kids differently than how they were raised. Check it out here.

I'm also excited to announce that open enrollment is starting soon for my Summer Camp for Parents group. This "camp" is an in-person camp for parents of children ages 2-8 who are looking to learn how to play and connect with their child. Camp begins in July and will be held for six sessions in Middlesex, NJ. Click here to learn more and sign up to be notified when enrollment begins. Space is limited to four parents so don't wait! 

Thank you for reading!

Being a parent is hard. And no one, truthfully speaking, is in love with being a parent 100% of the time. Almost every parent I’ve worked with, at one point or another, has shared with me their feelings about times when they have not wanted to be near their kids.

Feelings like shame, embarrassment, self-worth also get wrapped up in there. These feelings typically all stem to the fear about not being a good enough parent. 

Sound familiar? If so, then I’m here to tell you - it’s normal. Between our kids calling for us every 5 minutes, not going to bed on time, seemingly crying all the time, it’s no wonder we want a break. Especially, if we haven’t had our own time to tend to our own needs. 

The problem is not in having such feelings but in when we try to push it away. Pushing our feelings away can cause it to build up, which can make us dread being around our children. It may also lead to us lashing out verbally or physically on our kids– especially if that’s what you witnessed your own parents do when growing up. In my household growing up, it was the chancleta or la correa that did the lashing out. :)

But it doesn’t have to be this way! Today, I’m going to talk about why this happens, and what you can do about it.  

Why don’t I want to be near my child?
Feeling fed up with being around your kid(s) can mean many things. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent.

Whether they admit it or not, every parent has had moments when they just don’t want to be a parent anymore. For some, these moments are brief and fleeting. For others, they can last for a lot longer. Either way, it’s normal to feel this way.

Not wanting to be around your child is usually a sign that you’re overwhelmed. Parental burnout, sometimes called depleted mother syndrome, is what happens when a parent (of any gender) has run out of resources. They feel like they just don’t have anything left to give. They’re exhausted. 

Not wanting to be around your child could also be due to anxiety. It’s so hard to know if you’re doing parenting “right.” We often worry about details like “are they meeting their developmental milestones?, to “are they getting too much electronic time?”

Our parenting world today is so inundated with advice/recommendations from others about what our kids should be doing. So, forgive yourself if you want a break from trying to "follow" all the recommendations on how to raise a “good” human being. 

Not wanting to be around your child can also be due to something as simple as being extra-exhausted, hungry or not wanting to be bossed around. Let’s face it, children can be bossy and sassy when they are defiant. And for some of us, it can be a trigger. 

Again, not wanting to be around your kids sometimes is normal and does not mean that there is something wrong with you. 

There is a point, however, when you may want to reach out for help - like if you’re feeling like this for more days than not. Or, if you find yourself changing into someone you are not. At this point, you should reach out for support.

While it could just be a sign for needing to emotionally vent, it could also be a sign of an underlying mental health condition, like depression. Having depression doesn’t make you a bad parent, either – but it does mean that you need mental health treatment to get better.

What to do when you don’t want to be around your kids

Like I talked about last month, no one wants to lose it on their kids. But if you just ignore the fact that you don’t want to be around them, then that irritation and resentment is bound to build up – and you could explode.

Before things get to that point, here are some steps to take. 

Pause
When you feel yourself getting more and more irritated with your kids, take a moment and ask yourself - What is making me want to get away from my kid(s) in this moment? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Do I just need a moment to myself? Are my kids getting on my last nerve, and I want to get away from them because I'm about to snap? Am I you just exhausted, and want some quiet time?

It can be helpful to get to the root of the feeling. Sometimes, it’s an easy fix.

You can also use a brief pause to take a few mindful breaths in and out. Many mindfulness teachers say that taking just three breaths in and out is enough to bring you back to the present moment. If you’re getting lost in worries, anger, or exhaustion, this could be a way to come back to yourself.

Ask for some space
It doesn’t occur to most parents that they’re allowed to ask for space and time away from their kids. But it’s true – you can! And sometimes, getting some space away from them is the best way to start wanting to be around them again.

Now granted, I know that the first few times you do this, your kid(s) is probably going to kick it into high gear and cling to you. My challenge to you, try it for at least six times. Here are some ways to try it: 

If your child is old enough (5+), let them know you need some time. Say something like:
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“Right now I’m ______ (tired, angry, frustrated). I love you so much, and that’ll never change. But I need some time to _____ (take a shower, be quiet, to be alone, etc.) This isn’t your fault, and I’m not angry with you. I just need some time to ______, so I calm down. Can you do that for me?”

If you need more than just a short rest, you can also consider spending a bigger chunk of time away - like for the day or if you are blessed with resources, an overnight trip.  It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; even going to a movie by yourself could help. 

As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. After some time away from your kid(s), you might feel like you want to be around them again.

Remember to play
We tend to take parenting very seriously. And this is a wonderful thing – parenting is serious! We’re responsible for a young human’s life, after all. 

But don’t take it so seriously that you forget to play. If you can find ways to have fun with your children, then you might find it easier to be around them even in stressful times.

Dr. Stuart Brown, a researcher and the founder-president of the National Institute for Play, stresses the importance of play, even for adults. He says that play is a natural human behavior – as natural as sleep – but most of us aren’t getting enough of it, especially in adulthood.

Instead of seeing time with your kids as a time for them to play, try to see it as a time for you to play, too. Get silly. Make funny faces. Laugh. Play made-up games with made-up rules.

You might find that the desire to get away from your kids fades when you’re able to have fun with each other.

Join my virtual parent support group
It can also sometimes be validating to be around and heard by other parents who’ve also been through it or are going through it. In my current virtual parent support group, we focus on:

• How to reduce feeling like you are not a good enough parent and become a more confident one  
• Why your child's behavior can sometimes spark a strong reaction from you that you later regret  - and what to do about it! 
• How to reduce negative self-talk and increase love and compassion of yourself 

If you’re interested, give me a call or send me an email.
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Thank you for reading. You’ve got this. I’ll see you next month!

Recently I sent out a survey inquiring about issues parents wanted help with. The feedback I received entailed learning how to manage tantrums, dealing with resistance to transitions and coping with parent guilt. 

As each parenting situation is different, I thought it be best to start off with listing a few books I believe are helpful to any parent who wants to feel more in control and less guilty. 

1) Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell - The essence of this book is to help you as a parent understand the science behind your emotions and how your childhood is currently influencing your parenting.

What I loved about this book is how much it normalizes what many of us parents are feeling at one point or another. I also loved the parental self-reflection exercise that personally gave me an opportunity reflect on who I was as a child. Forewarning- this part was difficult, at least for me, because it did tap into some pain from my childhood. Be that as it may, I strongly encourage every parent to consider the importance of some of these questions. Once you decide to take on the questions in this book, be sure to also bring a notebook and a box of tissues. 

2) Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté - this book is geared to parents who are interested in learning how to keep their child close especially during the teen years.

What I love - it gives hope to those of us who believe it is normal for teens to detach from us and want nothing to do with us. It also informs us of how certain behaviors from toddlerhood end up feeding into this sense of teenage detachment. I also love how real it is about topics surrounding peer pressure and sexuality. 

What I don't love about this book is some of the verbiage that may spark insecurities within a parent. There were moments where I thought some people might feel like they are being shamed. Overall though, I would recommend parents read this book even if you don't have a teenager yet because laying the foundation now with your young child can help make things better by the time they reach the tween and teen years. 

3) Parenting with Theraplay by Vivien Norris and Helen Rodwell - this book is particularly helpful in understanding how children and parent attach anmd detach both verbally and non-verbally. 

What I love about this book - it explains four different ways we can connect with each other, signs to look for that indicate we are having trouble connecting and games we can play with our child to help facilitate a stronger bond.

What I don't like about this book is how overwhelming it may be for some parents because of how much information it provides through the lens of a therapeutic approach that some may not be familiar with. Guidance from a therapist trained in Theraplay can help with reducing any sense of overwhelm. I would recommend this book for any parent who is looking for tips/strategies on how to connect with your child and feel more in control as a parent. 

Overall, there is no shortage of parenting books on the market. The three aforementioned, are ones that have helped me on my parenting journey and as a result I have recommended to some of the parents I worked with and have seen it help them.

Would you like to share you the names of books that have helped you on your parenting journey? Feel free to share them below. 

If you are you interested in taking the survey to let me me know how I can help you, click here. 

Thank you for reading!