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 Photo by Any Lane Have you ever picked your child up from their therapy session and wondered, “What do they talk about? What’s coming up for them? Should I ask about their session, or should I leave it alone?” You don’t know what you’re “allowed” to ask about, and it’s making you so anxious! The topic of confidentiality often comes up in conversations with the parents I work with, and it’s one I can relate to deeply as a parent myself. It’s not always easy to figure out how much you should know about your child’s therapy. After all, you want to support them, but you also want to respect their privacy. So, in today’s blog, I’m talking all about confidentiality for children in therapy, why it’s important, and how you can talk about it with your child. What Is confidentiality, and why does it matter?Confidentiality in therapy basically means that what your child shares in sessions remains private. There are a few exceptions, like if your child is a danger to themselves or others. But, in general, the rule stands. For children, confidentiality can be complex, especially legally speaking. Adults have a legal right to confidentiality when it comes to their health information (including therapy sessions). Children and teens don’t often have the same legal right, and it can get tricky especially for younger children. But despite what the law says, therapists have an ethical commitment to maintain confidentiality for all their clients, including children. It can create a safe space where children can explore their emotions, thoughts, and challenges without fear of judgment or worry that everything they say will immediately get back to their parents. This is especially important for older children and teens. I want to emphasize here: confidentiality is not the same as asking your child to “keep a secret” from their parents. This distinction is critical because being asked to keep a secret can feel like a heavy burden, especially for children who’ve already gone through trauma. They might worry about saying the wrong thing or feel unsure about whether they’re allowed to share. When explaining confidentiality, it’s important to let your child know that therapy is a safe and private space, but it’s not a secret they’re “not allowed” to talk about. They can choose to share as much or as little as they want with you or others, and there’s no pressure either way. It’s not about “keeping a secret,” it’s just about making sure their privacy is respected. Why is confidentiality important for children?As a parent, it’s completely natural to want to know everything going on in your child’s life – especially when it comes to something as significant as therapy. You might think, “Should my young child really be keeping things from me? Isn’t it my job to know everything so I can help?” I hear this concern often from the parents I work with, and I understand it completely. As a parent myself, the idea of not knowing what’s in my child’s mind or heart can feel uncomfortable, even scary. But here’s the thing: confidentiality in therapy isn’t about keeping secrets or “hiding” things from you. It’s about creating a space where your child feels safe to process their emotions, thoughts, and experiences without fear of judgment or consequence. For a child, therapy can be one of the few places where they feel completely in control. This sense of autonomy is essential for building trust, not only with their therapist but also with themselves. A real-life example: Let me paint a picture: Imagine your child is struggling with a big feeling – anger, sadness, confusion, etc. – but they’re worried you’ll be upset, hurt, or disappointed if they tell you. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. Maybe they’ve already seen you stressed about other things, and they don’t want to add to your load. Or maybe they’re just unsure how to put those feelings into words. Without a confidential space like therapy, those feelings might stay bottled up. But with the assurance that what they share in therapy stays private, your child is more likely to open up and work through those emotions in a healthy, productive way. This is where the magic of therapy happens. When children feel safe and supported, they start to explore and process emotions that might otherwise feel too “big” to handle on their own. And as they do this, they start to build confidence in their ability to navigate their inner world – a skill that will serve them well throughout their life. How to explain confidentiality to your childWhen talking to children about confidentiality, I always recommend keeping it simple and using words they’ll understand. It’s a concept that might feel abstract at first, so the goal is to make it relatable. Here’s how I typically explain confidentiality to a young client I work with: Coming into the playroom is your special time where you can do and say almost anything you want. What you do and say is private and you get to decide if you want to share it with mom/dad. The only time I would tell mom/dad about what you say is if 1) you give me permission to 2) you tell me someone is hurting you 3) you tell me you want to hurt someone else. That’s pretty much it but know that it can vary based on the child’s level of understanding and their age. Here are some other key ways to phrase it:
It’s also important to remind your child that they can ask questions about what confidentiality means. As a therapist, I dare say that we are pretty great at explaining this in a way that makes sense to children. But as their parent, you can reinforce the message at home, too. What can child therapists share with parents?One of the most common questions I hear is, “Am I going to be completely in the dark about what happens in therapy?” The answer is no, of course not. You’re such an important part of your child’s team. But there’s a balance. As a therapist and a parent, I 100% understand that you want to be involved to support your child, and I’ll share information to help you do that. However, I also need to prioritize maintaining your child’s trust. Here’s what you can expect your child’s therapist to share with you about sessions, in general:
It’s a delicate balance, but it’s all designed to create a safe and productive environment for your child while keeping you in the loop as their biggest support system. I’m sure you may have some other questions about your child in therapy. Feel free comment below of send me an email about questions you may have. If your child is already in therapy with someone else, then be sure to direct your questions to your child’s therapist. Get the recording: “Talking With Your Child About Difficult Topics”If you’re looking for more guidance on navigating tricky conversations with your child, then you are in luck. I offer lesson recordings to help spread more awareness about these parenting topics that we all struggle with. Get the recording, “How to Talk to Your Young Child About Difficult Topics,” which includes 6 lessons and an hour of video content! You can learn more about this recording by clicking here. Thank you for reading, and as always, I’m here to support you on this journey! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 reduce their tantrums, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 15 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops and parent educational recordings, click here.
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 Photo by Mikhail Nilov If you have an aging parent or grandparent who has been diagnosed with dementia, you may already be familiar with the changes and challenges that come with it. But even if you, yourself, are well-versed in it, it can still be confusing to navigate how to explain these changes to your young children. Dementia can be confusing enough for adults, so it makes sense that young children might have an especially hard time understanding why Grandma or Grandpa is acting so different. Maybe they’ve noticed their grandparent forgetting things more often, struggling to find the right words, or getting upset for no clear reason. Since I work with both children and caregivers in the sandwich generation, I often help families have these conversations in a way that makes sense for young children, while also helping the adults process their own emotions about it. In this month’s blog, I’ll go over what dementia is, the different types, and a few ways to explain it to a child in a way that feels honest, but comforting and age-appropriate. What is dementia, exactly?Dementia isn’t just one single disease — it’s actually an umbrella term that refers to different conditions that affect a person’s memory, thinking, and ability to do everyday tasks. It’s caused by damage to brain cells, which makes it harder for the brain to work the way it used to. Scientists are still studying why, exactly, some people get dementia while others don’t. One of the most common misconceptions about dementia is that it’s “just forgetfulness” or a normal part of aging. But it’s more than that. While everyone forgets things sometimes, dementia affects a person’s ability to function in the day to day. Some of the common signs of dementia include:
Not all people with dementia experience the same symptoms or progress at the same rate. But over time, dementia can make it harder for a person to take care of themselves, which is why so many adult children find themselves needing to step into the role of caregiver for a parent. Types of dementiaThere are several different types of dementia, and each of them affects the brain in different ways. The most common types include:
How to explain dementia to a childIf your child is around their grandparent or another loved one with dementia, they’re probably already picking up on the changes, even if they don’t say anything about it. Children are incredibly observant! And when they notice that something is “off,” they may start coming to their own conclusions — which may or may not be accurate. This is why having an open and honest conversation about dementia is so important. It gives your child a chance to process what’s happening and ask questions instead of feeling confused or even scared by the changes they’re seeing in the person they love. Here are some tips on how to explain dementia to a young child in a way they can understand. Keep it simple and clearYoung children don’t need a long, complicated explanation about brain cells and medical terminology. Instead, try keeping it simple and explain it to them in terms they can understand. For example, you might say: "Grandpa has an illness called dementia. It makes it harder for his brain to remember things and do some of the things he used to do. So if he forgets our names or asks the same question a lot, it’s not because he doesn’t love us — it’s just because his brain is having trouble working the way it used to." This helps them understand that dementia is an illness, not something their loved one is doing on purpose. Use comparisons they can relate toSometimes, using metaphors of things your child is more familiar with can help make dementia more understandable and feel less scary. One way you can try to explain it to kids is like this: "You know how when a toy’s batteries start running out, it doesn’t work the same way? Maybe it moves slower or doesn’t light up the way it used to. That’s kind of like what’s happening to Grandma’s brain. Her brain isn’t working as well as it used to, so sometimes she forgets things or gets confused." Reassure them that it’s not their faultYoung children are naturally egocentric, meaning they tend to see the world as revolving around them. Because of this, they may start wondering if they caused their grandparent’s confusion or frustration in some way. It’s so important that they know that this is absolutely not their fault. You can reassure them by saying something like: "Dementia is something that happens all on its own. It’s not because of anything you did or said. And even if Grandpa gets upset or confused sometimes, it’s not because of you — it’s just because his brain is having a hard time." Encourage them to ask questionsChildren process things at their own pace. Sometimes, they’ll ask questions right away. Other times, they might wait until later when they’ve had more time to think about it. Let them know it’s okay to ask questions whenever they need to. And when they do have questions, try to respond to them as accurately as you can. Be prepared: this might lead to bigger questions about life and death. Help them find ways to connectEven if Grandma/Grandpa isn’t the same as they used to be, children can still build meaningful connections with them. You can encourage this by finding activities they can do together, such as:
Letting children know that their loved one still enjoys their company, even if they act differently, can help them feel more at ease. Don't forget about YourselfLastly, let’s not forget about you! Having to explain to a child that someone they love, which more than likely is someone you love, is changing, can be a tough pill to swallow. Be sure to give yourself time to process what various conflicting emotions you are likely to have. And, if you need some guidance on how to talk to your child about difficult topics, then be sure to check out my Parent recording - where I talk about just that. Learning how a young child sees the world and processes things based on their age can definitely help prepare you for how much you should and should not say. Therapy for children and parentsIf your child is struggling with the changes they’re seeing in a loved one, or if you are having a hard time balancing it all, I’m always here to help. We can work together to either help your child understand and cope with what they’re experiencing or you and I can work together to process the feelings you may be having related to seeing your parent change. You don’t have to do it alone. Feel free to contact me when you are ready.
As always, thank you so much for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 reduce their tantrums, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 15 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops and parent educational recordings, click here.
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 Photo by Kampus Production from Pexels Many of you may know me as a Registered Play therapist. But, if you’ve been following me since the start of my practice in 2014, then you know that I also specialize in working with adult children caring for an aging parent - family caregivers. Over the last few years, as I’ve found myself personally coming into the family caregiver role, I’ve become more familiar with the unique struggles of the sandwich generation. For those of you who don’t know, the sandwich generation is defined as individuals who are caring for dependent children while also tending to their parent’s needs. More about this later. For those of us who are in this role, caregiving can feel like a constant balancing act. We’re not just raising our children; we’re also supporting our aging parents, and that can take a toll in ways that people don’t fully understand unless they’ve lived it. Hence, why it’s an important priority of mine to support not just young children and their parents but adult children and their parents. Having worked with both sides, it is uncanny to me how similar the core issues are between both populations and unfortunately, for caregivers, how little support there seems to be out there. That’s why moving forward, I’ll be alternating between child-focused and caregiver-focused topics on this blog. My hope is to help my readers learn to identify and support the needs of their loved ones, build boundaries around your own needs, and hopefully reduce the “wear and tear” that your loved one’s challenging behaviors can take on your well-being. So today, I want to focus on you — the caregivers, the ones holding it all together… the ones who often don’t get the same level of support that they’re constantly giving to others. What is the sandwich generation?The sandwich generation is called this because we’re literally “sandwiched” between two groups of people who need our care: our aging parents and our children. According to the Pew Research Center, nearly half of all adults in their 40s and 50s have at least one parent aged 65 and over, as well as a child who’s financially dependent on them. And over 11 million of us provide support to both our parents and our children. We aren’t a small group. And the pressures of belonging to the sandwich generation are growing. This is partly due to the fact that so many young adults today are continuing to need their parents’ support, especially financial support, after they turn 18. So we’re taking care of our children for longer and longer, even after previous generations might have “graduated” from those parental responsibilities. On top of that, people are living longer in general — which is great, but also means that we take care of our parents for longer as well. This isn’t anyone’s fault, and it isn’t even necessarily a “bad” thing — but it does put extra pressure on those of us who are sandwiched in between. Common challenges of the sandwich generationHere are some of the most common challenges I hear about from family caregivers who are part of the sandwich generation:
If any of these resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. These challenges are incredibly common, and there are some steps you can consider implementing to ease the burden. How to copeI get it — being part of the sandwich generation is overwhelming. And while there might not be a way to make the pressure go away altogether, there are ways to cope that can help you navigate this challenging season of life. Set boundaries and communicate your needsBoundaries are essential when you’re balancing the needs of so many people. This might mean setting limits with your parents, child(ren), or even your workplace so that you can preserve some time and energy for yourself. For example:
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish — it’s a way to make sure you’re protecting your time and energy so you can show up fully for the people who depend on you. * If your parent has dementia, this suggestion may not be doable depending on their stage within the disease, but it can be extremely helpful for you to set aside specific days and times you know you are available to help out with medical appointments, bill paying, food shopping, etc. Find small moments for self-careI know — the last thing you need is someone telling you to “just practice self-care.” That type of advice can sound cliche, and can even sound minimizing. But hear me out. When your basic needs aren’t met, it’s harder to manage stress. Self-care doesn’t have to mean spa days or weekend getaways (although if you can manage those, more power to you!). Try to redefine self-care to just mean finding small moments in your day to recharge. This might look like:
These little moments might not feel like much, but they can add up over time and help you feel more grounded. It’s just about making sure that those basic needs are met to set yourself up for success. Build a support networkIdeally, you don’t need to be caregiving on your own, all the time. Leaning on a support network can make a world of difference. Try to find people you can rely on, if you can. This could include:
If you’re feeling stretched too thin, don’t be afraid to ask for help. If there’s no one in your life, you might look into caregiver support or relief programs in your area. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can lighten at least the emotional load, if not financial. And don’t forget, a therapist can be an important part of your support network as well! Acknowledge your feelingsSo many of us are reluctant to acknowledge that we feel overwhelmed or even burdened by the responsibilities of taking care of everyone. Depending on the culture and family you come from, taking care of others might have been taught to you from a very young age as something that’s simply to be expected of you. This is especially true for females, although it can apply to anyone. So you might feel guilty for being overwhelmed or burdened, or even resentful. But feeling these emotions doesn’t make you a bad daughter/son or a bad parent. It’s completely natural to feel this way. So instead of pushing those feelings away — which has a way of making those emotions grow bigger and more stubborn over time – try to just acknowledge them. I’m here to helpBeing part of the sandwich generation isn’t easy. It’s emotionally, physically, and financially demanding, and it can sometimes feel like there’s no end in sight. But the fact that you are showing up to do the job of caring for both your child and your parent, means you are amazing!
Your act of showing up, is a testament to how much you care about the people in your life — and that, in itself, is something to be proud of. Remember, you don’t have to do it all alone and you don’t have to like it all the time. If you would like emotional support while also learning about resources you can access specific to your particular caregiving journey, feel free to contact me. Thanks for reading, and take care of yourself. You deserve it! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 reduce their tantrums, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 15 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops and parent educational recordings, click here.
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 Photo by Nicola Barts Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world – and no matter how much we love our children, there are moments when we just feel completely maxed out. You know the ones I’m talking about. Maybe you’ve had a long day at work, the house is a mess, you still need to prepare a meal and your patience is already running on fumes when your child has a meltdown or refuses to cooperate. Or maybe everything is going well, and then out of nowhere, your child hits you with a huge wave of emotional expression that leaves you thinking, “Where the h*ck did that come from?” Our children challenge us in ways we expect and also in ways that catch us completely off guard. And in those moments, staying connected to them can feel impossible – because let’s be real, when you’re at your max, it’s hard to feel connected to anything. It is not uncommon to feel like you are coming undone and want to retreat or attack. But here’s the thing I always try to remind myself of (and what I remind the parents I work with) - connection is often the key to helping our children through these tough moments. Most of the time, their challenging behaviors are a way of telling us something isn’t right. They may not have the words to explain what’s wrong and their behavior is often a signal of an unmet need. One of the main ways we can address those needs is by staying connected. So, what do I mean by staying connected: I mean staying present with them. And, while this can seem very simple, the truth is that for some of us, it is the most difficult thing to do. If you grew up in a household where you were sent away because of your misbehavior, were berated when you did something "wrong", were physically punished or given the silent treatment by your primary caregiver - then staying present emotionally, physically and mentally can be a challenge. Understanding why it may be hard for you to support your child when they are challenging you can be the key to helping you increase your ability to support your child. In a previous blog, I list some books that can be helpful in understanding your triggers and helping you become the parent you want to be. Be sure to check it out. For the purpose of this post, I want to share some practical tips to help you stay connected to your child – even when you feel like you’re at your breaking point. Tips to stay connectedWhen you’re in those tough moments, it can be tempting to focus on “fixing” your child’s behavior or just getting through the situation. But sometimes, what your child needs most isn’t a fix – it’s you. Here are some ways to build and maintain that connection, even when you’re stretched thin. Be presentOne of the most important ways to stay connected to your child is to simply be present. I know that sounds obvious, but let me explain what I mean. Being present doesn’t just mean physically being in the room with your child – it means being emotionally available to them in that moment. It means putting down whatever is in your hand, tuning out the distractions, and focusing on your child with your full attention. I get it – this is easier said than done when you’re running on empty. But even just a few minutes of undivided attention can make a huge difference. For example, when my daughter is having a tough time and I’m overstimulated, I’ve learned that taking a deep breath and remind myself that “this too shall pass,” allows me to pause what I’m doing and say something along the lines of, “I’m listening. What’s going on?” Sometimes, that’s all she needs to feel heard and validated which allows her to calm down. Other times, it doesn’t work right away, but it still shows her that I care and that I’m fully present for her – even when I’m struggling myself. Bonus tip: Here's a tip I learned as a Registered Play Therapist, pay attention to your toes. Are they pointed towards your child or away from them. Generally speaking, our feet are pointed in the direction of the person or thing that has our attention, which usually means are body is facing that way too. So....check in with yourself and shift your toes in the direction of your child. Offer words of reassuranceWhen children are upset or acting out, they often need to hear that they are still loved and safe. Offering words of reassurance can help your child feel secure and remind them that you’re on their side. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their behavior or “let them get away” with something. It’s about separating their actions from their worth as a person. For example, you might say something like:
I know that in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to find the right words. This is the trial and error part as there isn’t a “one size fits all” statement. But even a simple, “I’m here” or “I love you” can go a long way in helping your child feel connected to you. Get lowWhen your child is upset, your tone of voice and body language can have a big impact on how they respond. If you find yourself starting to raise your voice or feeling physically tense, try doing the opposite – lower your voice and your body. Getting down to your child’s level (like kneeling or sitting) can help them feel less threatened, and speaking in a calm, quiet tone can also create a sense of safety. I’ve noticed that when I physically lower myself to a child’s level their energy starts to shift almost immediately. It’s like they can feel that I’m meeting them where they are at, rather than towering over them. Pairing this with soft words, like “Hey, it’s okay,” can make all the difference. Now, don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean you have to “let go” of the limits or boundaries you’ve set. You can still hold firm. Doing so with a calm, grounded presence will often help you stay connected while addressing the situation. Take a pause and a deep breath to regulate yourselfLet’s be real – when your child is having a meltdown, it’s easy to get caught up in their emotions and start to feel dysregulated yourself. This is why one of the most important things you can do is pause and take a breath. It’s kind of cliché, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or angry, it’s going to be really hard to show up for your child in the way they need. When you notice yourself starting to lose patience, take a moment to pause and ground yourself. This might look like:
I know it might seem "selfish and irresponsible" to focus on yourself in the middle of your child’s meltdown, but the truth is, regulating yourself helps your child regulate, too (this is called coregulation). When you stay calm, you’re modeling emotional regulation for them – and that’s a powerful gift. Be the parent you neededThis one is close to my heart. When I reflect on the moments my daughter challenges me the most, I try to picture myself when I was a child. What did I need when I was struggling? Did I need someone to lecture me or punish me for acting out? Or did I need someone to see past my behavior and recognize that I was hurting? As parents, we’re not perfect – and we’re not supposed to be. But when we show up for our kids with the love, patience, and understanding we needed as children, we create a powerful connection that helps them feel safe and seen. So the next time you’re feeling maxed out, try asking yourself: “What would have helped me in this moment?” And then offer that to your child – and to yourself. Play therapy and parenting workshopsIf you need more support, check out my video recording on understanding your child’s meltdowns and tantrums, and what to do about them. It includes 17 lessons for parents and caregivers of children aged 3 to 8, and I go over topics like typical challenges for children this ages and practical strategies you might try.
Thanks for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops, click here.
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 With only a few days left to 2024, I was able to carve out some time to compose this second part to my 2024 series recap .
In honoring my need to unplug from work, while also still checking in, this post will be short and to the point. Below are the second series of blogs I wrote from July- December 2024. You may notice that there are some gaps in between, and that was because I moved my practice to New Providence. And, while I could have "pushed through" and adhered to my original plans of being consistent with my publishing, I realized that I needed to shift my priorities and focus on my move, my clients and my family in order to be the best version of myself. Why do I share that? Because, it is essential for you to know that it is okay to shift your priorities when life changes come your way. This is also true for when your physical, mental and/or spiritual needs require tending to. Being able to focus on what we need and learning not to take "life" so seriously can work wonders for how we show up for ourself and for our loved ones, especially our children. So, without further ado, see below for part two of my blog posts for 2024. (Oh, and if you missed the first set, click here) That's all folks. Thanks again for a wonderful year and I'll "see you next year"! 😉 Thank you again for being a reader and a subscriber. In the event you are not a subscriber, feel free to click here to subscribe to my parenting newsletter. Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents improve their parenting skills and Adults reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 15 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To check out her supportive educational recordings for parents and upcoming CE workshops for mental health professionals, click here.
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 As 2024 comes to a close, I want to extend my gratitude and appreciation for being here and checking out my blog posts. Whether we know each other from working together or as acquaintances, I do appreciate you taking the time to read and learn about my offerings as well as my parenting recommendations. In honor of how busy we tend to be this time of year, I've put together this blog post to remind you of the blog posts I created in 2024 and provide you with a quick way to navigate to them. This will be a two part series so as to not inundate you with too much information. Here are the topics I focused on from January - May 2024: That's all I have for now. Next week or the week after, depending my hectic schedule 😉, I will post Part 2 to this series or...you can just hit this button and sort through the archives here. Thank you for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents improve their parenting skills and Adults reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 15 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops, click here.
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What Is the Window of Tolerance for Children, and How Can It Help You in Your Parenting Journey?10/12/2024  Photo by Tatiana Syrikova Have you ever noticed that your child isn’t usually bothered by something, only to suddenly become super upset about it one day? Or that your child is upset in a situation where other children seem to be fine (or vice versa)? Learning about a concept called the window of tolerance might help you understand why. The window of tolerance is a psychological concept that provides an explanation for why certain things send us over the edge and not others. By learning about the window of tolerance, you can notice the signs that your child isn’t in their optimal state, and know how to help your child be able to tolerate a wider range of experiences. So let’s get into it! What is the “Window of tolerance” and how can you apply it in your parenting journey. What is the “window of tolerance,” in simple terms? The window of tolerance is a concept that was originally proposed by Dr. Dan Siegel to help explain why some people seem to get stressed out by some things while others don’t. Siegel said that we all have a zone — our “window of tolerance” — where we function optimally. We’re not too stressed, or too relaxed/sleepy — we’re just right. Kind of like Goldilocks! When we’re in our window of tolerance, our brains are functioning at their optimum level. It’s processing information, regulating emotions, and managing behavior. We’re able to sort of glide through life without becoming overwhelmed. But often, we’re not in our windows of tolerance — we’re either too “aroused”/stimulated (hyperarousal) or not stimulated enough (hypoarousal). Hyperarousal might be when you feel frazzled, chaotic, or overwhelmed. Hypoarousal might look like being lethargic, numb, or frozen. Each person has a different window of tolerance, so what might send someone else into hyperarousal/hypoarousal might not affect you at all, and vice versa. Revisiting the Goldilocks analogy, the “just right” bowl of porridge is going to be different for everyone. Some may find certain bowls of porridge too hot or too cold, while for you it’s just right. What the window of tolerance and its zones look like for children? It helps to be able to recognize when your child is within their window of tolerance and when they’re outside of it. Each child is unique, but knowing the most common signs of hyperarousal and hypoarousal can help you realize when your child might be outside of their window — which is when tantrums and meltdowns may begin. Some common signs of hyperarousal (overstimulated) in children include:
Some signs of hypoarousal (under stimulated) include:
On the other hand, when your child is in their window of tolerance, they’ll typically be “calm” (well, as calm as a toddler can be!), content, and relaxed. Some other signs that your child is within their window of tolerance are:
How can children expand the window of tolerance? One way you can use this information is to recognize when your child is in hyperarousal or hypoarousal, and take steps to help them get back in their window of tolerance. But another strategy is to help them widen the window of tolerance that they’re starting with, so that it takes more to put them into hyperarousal/hypoarousal. In other words, when children (and adults) have wider windows of tolerance, they’re able to handle a wider variety of experiences without becoming dysregulated or overwhelmed. One of the most important things is to make sure your child has their basic needs met. I talk about this in my parenting workshops and with my parent clients all the time. It sounds like such a minor, even silly thing — but think about it: we all know as parents that when our child is hungry, tired, thirsty, or feeling under the weather, they’re much more likely to have a meltdown or tantrum. Little things that don’t usually bother them can set them off. By making sure your child’s basic needs are met — they have snacks and drinks, they’ve slept enough, etc. — it can expand their window of tolerance and help them be able to roll with a wider range of experiences without becoming over/understimulated. Here are some other ideas to help your child widen their window of tolerance:
When does my child need therapy? No child — or adult, for that matter — can be within their window of tolerance at all times. We’re all going to have moments when we’re dysregulated, overwhelmed, and distracted. For young children, this is going to manifest as tantrums or meltdowns, and this is completely normal and not cause for concern. However, if your child’s behavior or big emotions are getting in the way of doing what they need to do — for example, they aren’t able to succeed at school or play with their peers — then professional support, like therapy, might be needed. Also, if you feel overwhelmed as a parent — it might feel like you’ve tried everything, and nothing is working — then some professional support for both you and your child might be beneficial. Parenting workshops for children aged 3 to 8 Aside from therapy, you may also want to consider attending parenting workshops. There are many places you can find parenting workshops like online, through your pediatric office, and even through your child's school. I myself offer parenting workshops and more recently have begun recording short recording for parents to view at a time that is convenient for them. I currently have one available that highlights key things to know if you are talking with your child about heavy topics like divorce or death. Visit this page to learn more about the course. I am also currently working on another recording about understanding typical developmental milestones for children 3-8 so be sure to sign up for my newsletter to receive notice about when that comes out. Even when nothing is “wrong” per se, parenting can still be a challenge. It can be even harder when your child, for whatever reason, gets pushed outside of their window of tolerance because that’s when those dreadful tantrums and meltdowns tend to start. Either way, the fact that you are reading this means you are already on the path to getting better at helping yourself and your child. So, great job! Thank you for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops, click here.
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 Photo by Oleksandr P on Pexel Make sure my child has a successful year. Better manage my and my family's schedule. Feel less stressed this year and not overworked. The list can go on and on. The start of the school year can bring many conflicting feelings from both children and parents. Feelings of happiness and relief related to having the children back in a routine. Dread and sadness at the thought of Summer being over and realizing that homework and after school activities are going to start up again, are just a few of the emotions that can present themselves. Regardless of how you are feeling about the school season beginning again, I want you to know that having conflicting feelings is normal this time of year and our kids certainly will experience the same. So, in this month's blog, I want to highlight a few ways you can increase the chances of a successful start to the school year and hopefully throughout. In order to increase your chances of success during this school year, consider the following: 1) Take time to reflect - take time, before school starts, to review the things that went well last year and the things that went not so well. Did you come up with a system or routine that helped you and the family get out of the door on time? Did you finally figure out what snacks, food, clothing worked best for your child(ren)? If so, make sure to use those strategies/systems again. If your child is new to school this year, chances are you will have a learning curve. Speaking with other experienced parents about how they manage their schooltime routine can certainly reduce that learning curve. I would also direct you to this blog post about understanding your child's sensitivities and how that can impact a great school year. 2) Devise Your Plan - figure out what your routine should look like in the morning and the evening. In other words, what time do you need to be out of your home to get your child(ren) to school on time? From there, identify how much time your child typically needs to get ready in the morning. Are they early risers? Resisters to getting out of bed? Procrastinators to getting dress? Depending on the day and time of year, they may be all of the above. Based on what you identify about their habits, figure out how much time you need for them to get situated and identify the time you need to wake them up. This can also let you know, based on how many hours of rest they need, what time they should be falling asleep. Which leads me to my next point. With regard to the evening routine - ask yourself these questions: do they avoid going to bed? doing homework? eating their meals? Do you have a time by which you want them to be in bed, so that you can honor what you need at night? For those of you who know me, you know sleep is high on my priority list for children and adults. Without it, we might as well be zombies. Identifying what time your child(ren) needs to be in bed in order to wind down and get sufficient rest is, in my opinion, pivotal to setting the stage for a successful day the next morning. Read this post to learn about common sleep troubles adults have. 3) Involve Your Child - getting your child's feedback about what they liked last year, what they didn't like about last year and what they are looking forward to this year can be helpful to a great start to the school year. Did they like when they had a particular snack in their lunchbox? Are they looking forward to seeing friends/teachers they missed? Are they looking forward to wearing their new backpack or using their new books/pencils? Tap into their joy and excitement by asking them about such things. Doing so can increase levels of excitement as well as "buy-in" to what you are hoping to accomplish this school year. 4) Make time for their Feelings - Aside from happy feelings, you may also hear about the things they are scared of or worried about when they return to school. "Friends" that were mean, teachers that they didn't get along with, etc. Don't be afraid to start this type of conversation as it can lead to some wonderful opportunities for you to be able to support them emotionally. It also makes for a good time to remind them about what they got through and that you will be there to help them. Read my post from last year to learn about managing back to school feelings. 5) Enjoy the Last Days before School - after you have reflected and devised a plan, or some sort of plan, be sure to make the most of the last couple of weeks. Did you have something you wanted to do but didn't get around to do it? I know for me, I spent most of my summer working while my daughter was at camp. The last week before school starts, I'm going to prioritize playing with all the toys she has been asking me to play with, going to the pool and spending time with family. Am I cramming it in out of guilt? Honestly, mom-guilt always creep in a bit, but it is something I planned for because I had devised my plan for how the Summer would go based on the reflection I did at the start of the Summer. ;) So, go out there, reflect, devise your plan, get your child's input and arrange for some time in the sun or whatever else you want to do. If you need some guidance on how to play or what games to play with your child, check out my posts below. How Can I Have More Fun Playing Board Games with my Child? How Can I Show Love to My Child? Engaging Games How Can I Show Love to my Child? Handclapping Games How Can I Show Love to My Child? Affirming your child Thank you for reading! If you have questions or comments, feel free to leave them below. Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops, click here.
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 Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash Summer is here! And while that’s probably very exciting news for your child(ren), as a parent, you might be having some mixed feelings about it. It’s great to have your child home for a few months, but you know that the change of routine will be disruptive.
On top of that, many parents worry about how the summer break will affect their child’s learning and development – they gained so much during the school year, and you don’t want them to forget all the progress they made. Plus, you now have to keep your child engaged and entertained all day, and it can be hard (and, let’s be real, often expensive) to find camps and other enriching activities. So today, I want to talk about how to balance all of this – how to keep your child engaged during summer, but also how to let go of your own worries and fears. Because we want you to be relaxed during the summer, too! Why summer can be stressful for parents Summer is so much fun for children and adults, but it can be a stressful time in parenting. I often hear the same concerns about summer from the parents I work with, and I can definitely relate to a lot of them myself! Some concerns you might have for your child during the summer months include: Their routines are changing – and that can cause chaos Whether or not your child’s going to be in summer school or camp, their routines could completely change during the summer. If they’re staying home all summer, then they might have different bedtimes, different wake up times, and a whole lot more unstructured play time during the day. They might also have more screen time than they and you are used to. If they are in camp, then they’re also going to have to get to new things – new places, new friends, new counselors, and so on. Understandably, many parents worry that this disruption in routine will cause chaos. They’ll lose the academic gains they made Lots of parents, including myself sometimes, also worry that their child is going to lose the academic gains they made over the school year. For most children, we’re talking about 2 to 3 months away from daily school-based learning. You might wonder, how are they going to remember everything they learned over that time? They’ll miss their friends Children also can miss their friends during the summer months, especially if you live in a larger city (or a more remote area) where they can’t just walk around the neighborhood. You might worry about how this will affect them. Will they feel lonely and sad? Will they lose their social skills? They’ll get too much screen time We all know about the worries of too much screen time on young children, but it can be so hard to adhere to those guidelines, especially during the summer. You need to live and work, too, and it can be a challenge to say “no” to screen time when you know it’ll keep your child entertained for a long time. But you’ve worked so hard all year to limit screen time, and you’re worried this will make them backtrack. How to let go of your worries and (kind of) maintain a structure I know it’s really hard, but try to let go of the worries you have about potential losses of skills and learning that might happen during the summer. There usually is a bit of a loss – teachers call this the “summer slide” – and that’s perfectly normal. If you’re super anxious about it, then you’re likely going to bring that anxiety to every interaction you have with your child. All summer, they’ll feel a heavy pressure to keep up with the same learning routines that they had during the school year, which will really make their summer a drag and likely make parenting even harder for you. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Remember that last day of school? How that taste of freedom felt when you knew you had months of leisure time ahead of you? That’s one of the best feelings in the world – let’s try to keep that feeling present for them. That doesn’t mean let your child do whatever they want all summer. As long as you’re trying your best to make sure that your child gets some sort of learning opportunities and enrichment during the summer, you’re doing alright. Figure out some type of learning routine that doesn’t necessarily mimic a school schedule, but is fun and engaging for your child. Here is one strategy I’ve been trying and it seems to be working. On my 7 year old’s last day of school she bought home folders from Spanish, Math, Reading and Writing class. I set those folders aside and put in sheets that she had from school plus some other handouts I had lying around. A few nights a week, I take them out, put them on the table and have her do one sheet from each subject. This routine, takes us no more than ½ hour depending on her willingness. At the end of this ½ hour, I feel good that she was able to get some learning in and she feels good at having completed some activities. Perhaps this is something you would like to try to? Of course, make it your own and tailor it to your child’s learning needs and capabilities. Affordable summer resources to keep your child engaged I also wanted to let you know about some other places where you can find engaging, and affordable resources that you can use to keep your child learning and entertained all summer. These resources have worked for my family and many others I know. Please check them out, and comment below if you have any others to share with the community! School resources You know those apps that your child does their homework on? Some schools will allow your child to still have access to those apps even in the summer. Yes, it’s still technically screen time, but it’s also a type of learning. Perhaps this is the kind of electronic you can have your child engage in while you’re working from home to keep them entertained. Books If you don't have access to those apps or you just really don't want to go down that road, then a learning book from your local bookstore can be an option. Some learning books will have incentives, like stickers, to help keep your child motivated to complete each page. Find a book on a topic that your child is interested in and use that as your learning material – do they like animals? Space? Literature? Community resources Most cities and towns have tons of community resources for parents and their children during the summer. The local library is a great one; most offer summer reading programs for children. Township community centers and local parks may also have special learning and extracurricular programs. Many cities, like NYC, have school lunch programs that can help with both providing a meal and getting your child around other children to play with which can help with socialization. You can look online for programs that are offered by your city or county. You might be surprised at what you find! Your own resources On top of all of that, there are also so many other enriching activities you can do with your child that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money. Go for a hike or walk at your local nature preserve. Go play in the sprinklers or fountain at the park. Do some arts and crafts projects or set your child up to do some solo coloring/reading/playdoh, etc. There are also lots of STEM-related activities that keep them learning in a playful way – I’m thinking of things like Magnatiles, building blocks, Legos, etc. There are so many options! The important thing is to keep a routine of some sort, and fill it with predictable, fun, and enriching activities like the ones I’ve listed above. You don’t need to be as strict about the schedule as you are during the school year, but having some sort of schedule/routine can be helpful to keep the body moving and the brain stimulated for both you and your child. If you need some help setting up a schedule for your child, check out my other blog post! Parenting support and workshops Are you in need of other types of support/education around parenting? Check out my latest workshop and course offerings here. If you are a therapist looking for more information to expand your knowledge and help your client, then check out my next workshop on August 24th. I’ll be hosting a CE workshop for mental health professionals in North Brunswick. More information coming in the next week or so, so be sure to sign up for the Mailing list if you are not already on it. Hope you have a great start to your summer! Thanks for reading.
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 Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano If you’ve been on child development websites or scrolled “ParentTok” accounts on social media recently, you’ve probably heard terminology with the word “regulation” — terms like self-regulation, dysregulation, and co-regulation. But you might wonder, what do these words mean? Do they all mean basically the same thing, or are they different?
I get it — before I was trained as a play therapist, I was definitely confused when I heard words like these. I kind of knew what they meant, but not exactly. To be honest, I felt like they were out of my wheelhouse. Let’s be real here; in my Puerto Rican/Nuyorican upbringing, no one was using words like “regulation” back when I was raised, and I think the same goes for many of you as well. But now that I’ve learned, I’m able to use these concepts to help my clients as well as my own family. In today’s blog, I want to talk about these 3 very important terms — dysregulation, self-regulation, and co-regulation — and why they matter to us as parents. I’ll go over a brief definition of each before getting into how you can recognize and help your child achieve them. What is “regulation”? It might be helpful to start with the part of these words that they have in common: “regulation.” All 3 of these terms contain “regulation,” but what does that mean? To put it as simply as possible, regulation is the ability to control something. For example, an organization might have regulations for employee behavior. There might be regulations for the standard sizes of car seats. A parent might regulate their child’s internet use. In the field of mental health, we typically apply the word regulation to emotions, thoughts, or behaviors. For example, we might help regulate our infant’s fear by holding or rocking them. You regulate your behaviors every time you display impulse control — you may stick to a budget even when you want to purchase something, you resist the urge to raise your voice or the urge to have one more piece of chocolate. The ability to regulate emotions and behaviors is generally seen as one of the most important things for psychological well-being. Dysregulation Dysregulation is the opposite of regulation. When you’re dysregulated, you’ve lost control over your emotions and behaviors. Adults who are dysregulated might shout, have angry outbursts, or not be able to stop crying. We all get dysregulated sometimes, but mental health conditions like depression or ADHD can cause some people to be chronically dysregulated. Children are still learning how to regulate their emotions, so they tend to get more dysregulated more often. This is normal and developmentally appropriate – they haven’t mastered the skill of regulation yet! Your child might be more likely to be dysregulated when they haven’t had their basic needs met — like when they’re hungry, tired, or sick. Some signs that your child might be dysregulated include:
Self-regulation Self-regulation is the ability to regulate your own emotions and behaviors. Most adults do this to some extent, although we can still have trouble sometimes. For example, you might go for a run when you’re feeling stressed, or call a friend when you’re feeling sad. Then there are also the unhealthy ways we self-regulate, like drinking or using drugs to try to feel better. You might think that young children don’t know how to self-regulate yet, but actually, even infants self-regulate in some ways. For example, many babies and toddlers try to soothe themselves by sucking on their hands and/or thumbs. A young child, or even an infant, might turn away from something that’s bothering them (like bright lights) or even turn towards you for comfort. As toddlers get older, they’re able to self-regulate in more complex ways. They might develop a little more impulse control over their behaviors, and be able to think before they act. You can also teach them new social-emotional techniques for self-regulation, like deep belly breathing or stretching. Some other ways that young children can self-regulate are:
The best thing about self-regulation is that it’s a skill you can teach your children just like any other. If they’re in school, they may even already have learned techniques in classroom SEL (socio-emotional learning) lessons. Just like you’d teach them skills like how to brush their own teeth or put their toys away, you can teach them self-regulation skills. Mindfulness is a good one to start with; there are lots of resources online and at the library that can give you ideas of how to teach children how to pause and breathe when they’re upset. Co-regulation Of course, your child won’t always be able to regulate their own emotions – they still need you to support them! This is where co-regulation comes in. Self-regulation is when your child is able to soothe themselves on their own. Co-regulation is when you support your child in regulating their emotions. Co-regulation is so important for young children. First of all, it can create bonding and attachment between you and your child. It’s a way to consistently respond to your child’s emotional needs and help them feel secure. It also helps your child deal with big, painful feelings before they’re able to do this for themselves. Co-regulation teaches children important regulation skills and provides them with comfort when they don’t know how to comfort themselves. Co-regulation can be as simple as offering a hug or a snuggle when your child is crying. Some other creative ways that you can co-regulate with your child include:
Takeaway & online parenting workshop! The terminology can get confusing, but at the end of the day, it’s just about being able to notice signs that your child is having trouble managing their own emotions — they are dysregulated — and supporting them and helping them use skills to self-soothe or calm themselves down (self-regulation and/or co-regulation). Knowing these terms can help you understand your child’s tantrums and intervene quickly. I know how challenging parenting a young child can be, especially without guidance which is why I continue to offer in-person and virtual parenting workshops for parents of children aged 3 to 8! My next workshop is a popular one and will be held on May 21st, where I’ll be walking you some key developmental milestones you should be aware of in order to help your child with their meltdowns. I’ll talk about concepts like dysregulation and how to use this knowledge to make your parenting journey easier. I’m also offering an in-person training for therapists on June 15th, where we’ll talk about how to help clients improve co-regulation between parents and children. Sign up today before the deadline. Whether you’re a parent or a therapist (or both!), I hope to see you at one of my workshops. Thanks for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. |
This Site is not intended to provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by individuals in search of general information of interest pertaining to anxiety, depression and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.