Death, Divorce, and Loss: How to Discuss Difficult Topics with Children, and Why It’s So Hard

*A Personal Note from Me to You*
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As I write this post, I realize it may be difficult for some of my readers to read and/or to process as I myself am noticing a sad response my body is experiencing as I write these words. 

And, while I can simply discard this post and talk about things that won’t cause me or you to feel “some kind of way”, I would be doing a disservice to the many children who need us, as parents, to learn how to talk about tough and uncomfortable topics. 
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Therefore, please be mindful of your feelings as you read the words on my blog this month and if you need to take a break from reading it, go ahead. It will be here when you are ready. 🙂

Death, Divorce, and Loss: How to Discuss Difficult
​Topics with Children, and Why It’s So Hard

As much as we may want it to be, life for our little ones isn’t always perfect. The experience of hardships like divorce, death of a loved one, discrimination, inappropriate touch, etc., is hard to cope with at any age. But, when it is something we find ourselves having to talk about with our young children, we (parents) often can struggle with knowing how and what to say.

Today, we’ll discuss why it can be so hard to talk to our children about these difficult topics, the importance of being mindful of your needs and what you can do to optimize a conversation with your child.


Why is it so much harder with children to talk about difficult topics? 

While some of us are able to discuss these topics with our friends and adult family members with little to no problem – when it comes to broaching the subject with our children, we can feel stuck. 

Why? Well, there are a few reasons:

1). We were never taught how

Often, it’s not about the child’s discomfort discussing these topics vs our own. Many of us simply weren’t taught how to talk about these things, especially topics like death. 

We may have grown up in families where mentioning the word death was avoided. Like when someone's death is referred to them as having "gone to sleep." In other families, death is talked about openly on certain days – like el Dia de los Muertos for many Latin American cultures – but left unaddressed on other days.

All that to say, many of us may have not had role models when it comes to addressing these hard topics with our children in a direct and concrete way.

Death is something, understandably so, that many adults don’t feel comfortable talking about due to the finality of it. This can then create the desire to shield our children from that feeling out of love, compassion and fear. 

2) It brings up our own grief

Aside from not knowing how to talk about these topics, a lot of times we are still grieving ourselves. This is especially true in situations of divorce and death where there can be multiple conflicting emotions involved.

Let's take divorce/separation as an example. Talking with your child about a separation/divorce without a doubt will bring up some grief because at the end of the day, divorce is not just the loss of a relationship but also the loss of the hopes and dreams for a particular union.

For a child, a divorce/separation is the loss of a united presence. A presence they may have known for most/all of their life. A presence that they are likely just learning will no longer be there whereas the parents have probably had more time to adjust to the idea. 

Therefore, talking with your child about this can be even more complicated because it will be challenging to hold space for their new loss as well as your own. 

3). Children have unpredictable responses

Depending on the child’s age, we may not be prepared for the responses they will give us when we share “life-changing” news. Young children especially can be “matter of fact” when it comes to things like loss. And sometimes, their responses will come when we least expect it. 

I’ll never forget the day my family and I were walking with my 4 year old niece, when we saw a dog that looked just like our family pet -Mason - who had recently died.

As we reminisced about our beloved dog and how much we missed him, my niece blatantly blurted out, “Mason is dead” and continued walking as if nothing. We adults, after picking up our jaws, were shocked and confused.  😲 😕

Shocked at the way she seemed “fine” while all of us adults were not fine. It wasn't until later, I learned that her stating this so matter-of-factly was not a reflection of her lack of empathy or sadness but merely a factual understanding of her world at 4 years old.


4) We want our children to be happy

Lastly, perhaps the most “natural” reason why it’s so difficult for us to talk about these things is because we want to protect our children. While we know that the world is not all "rainbows and butterflies" and we can’t protect our children from "bad news" forever – we do strive to protect them from it for as long as possible.

This means that when something painful happens, you might be naturally inclined to avoid the topic with your child. Parents who want to delay telling their children about someone dying or about divorce/separation don’t have malicious intentions – they’re simply trying to protect their child from getting hurt and prevent stirring up their feelings of discomfort.

So, What Can You Do?

Talking with a young, “innocent” child about loss is never going to be easy. I do wish there were some concrete statements I could offer you that would make everything go over smoothly- sort of like those ½ hour shows we used to watch back in the day where everyone is fine by the end of the episode. And, while that is not reality, there are some things I want you to keep in mind that can help you get through these conversations with more preparation and ease.


1) Understand your expectations and triggers

First, it’s most important that you, yourself, are in a good state of mind to talk about whatever topic is troubling for you. If you’re emotionally flooded - meaning you are overwhelmed- then you probably won’t be able to give your child the attention and tailored responses they need.

Understanding the expectations you have for the conversation you are going to talk about is also important. If you are talking about a loved one who has died and are still actively grieving, it is important to know that based on your child's age they may not have the same emotions you do. Knowing this can help prevent unnecessary confusion and anger. 

Understanding your triggers is also vital. For example, if you are talking to your child about an upcoming separation/divorce and instead of sadness from your child, you instead get a child who expresses a desire to be with the other parent -this can not only catch you off guard but also leave you feeling like you have to be on the defense.  

2) Know what works for you and your child

We all process difficult conversations in different ways. Understanding what environment and time of day is ideal for you and your child can help with talking about difficult topics. In other words, when are you the best version of yourself?

For example, I’m not a morning person. Attempt to talk to me before I brush my teeth and have my coffee and we have a problem. ;) Bedtime - also not a great time to bring up heavy conversation for me. My family knows this because I know it. 

Figuring out when you are your best self entails knowing when you are most patient and energetic. Knowing this about your child is also key to making sure you are both ready for a conversation. With children in particular, I would recommend not having tough conversations when they are hungry, tired or sick. 

Where you have these conversations is also important. Do you talk and process things best when you are going for a walk, in the car for a long ride? Depending on your child’s age, the setting can be helpful in making them feel safe. 

When choosing a setting to talk with your child, aim for one that gives you and your child the ability to sit/lay in your lap, cuddle, turn to a stuffie they like, etc. Such options/“creature comforts” can allow a child to soothe any dysregulation they may experience. 

Have more than one child? Depending on their age, conversations about difficult topics may be best had with them separately so that you can address each child's needs and questions directly. A follow up conversation within a family setting can then be conducted. 

3) Learn about child development
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Lastly, understand your child by learning what is typical brain, emotional and social development. This can give you insight into the best ways to approach heavy topics with them.

I think back to the days when I went to my daughter's pediatric appointments and up until about the age of 4 I would get a printed sheet of normal child milestones. While it was mostly generic, I did find some relief in knowing I had some info to guide me as I was raising my first child.

At the age of 5, however, those print outs stopped. No more guidance. I was left to our yearly checkups and maybe reports from school about what is normal and what is not. And while I love the internet, I also recognize how it can be a wealth of overwhelming information that often makes us parents feel like we are not doing a good enough job. 

Learning about typical child development - both brain and emotional- is something that needs to continue so that YOU can continue be the supportive parent you want to be. And, while you can do your research on the internet, I do recognize the need for many parents to find a reliable, go-to source for information on how to continue to support their child.

Therefore, on February 7th, if you haven’t already heard, I will be teaching parents more about what I've written today.

Join me for a virtual parenting workshop on February 7th to gain a better understanding of your child’s ability to understand concepts like loss and what to know about how to talk with them about difficult topics/events.

This virtual parenting workshop is geared toward parents who have children ages 3-8 and will answer questions related to the best way to talk about “tough stuff”, when to go into detail, when to stay vague, and how to cope with your own big emotions.

The workshop will be on Wednesday, February 7th from 12 to 1 PM – click here for more information and to register.

Hope to see you there, and Happy New Year!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 10 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.