Love, according to the Oxford dictionary, is "an intense feeling of deep affection." Two years ago, I featured a 3 part series related to how parents and children and enjoy quality time with each other through various simple, interactive games. Games that don't require you to purchase anything and that you can even do while waiting on the long supermarket line. 

Below is a summary of that 3 part series, including the games that I most often recommend to the parents I work with who have children between 2-8 years old. 

Games that Include Making Eye Contact- 
Looking into your child's eyes is a form of non-verbal communication that is intimate because it allows us to be present with one another. A few eye contact games that I often recommend in my practice include: 

• Copy My Face- this is a game where you and your child will take turns making funny faces. The sillier the face the better as it affords an opportunity connect via laughter. It also can give you a chance to see just how skilled your child can be at making a variety of faces.  

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• No Blinking Contest - in this game, you and your child will stare at each other's eyes and see who lasts the longest without blinking. Depending on the age of the child, I will sometimes let it slide if there is a slight blink when we are first getting started. And, in case you missed my previous blog post, here's a reminder - these games are not about the parent winning but instead about giving the child an opportunity to master a skill and have fun while doing so. 

 

• Last, but certainly not least, Peek-A-Boo is a classic infant/toddler game that makes "disappearing behind hands" fun and intriguing for young children. It creates suspense and can lead to spontaneous bursts of giggling during the moments of suspense. 

Games that Include Touch- 
Games that involve touch are important for a child and for us as human beings because research has shown how infants actually thrive when touched and how nurturing touch allows us to feel connected and loved.

Below are a few games/activities that involve touch.

• Ms. Mary Mack - do you remember playing this one? This can be a fun game for a child 3 and older. While the hand motions can be a little tricky for the younger ones, try modifying it by going slower and maybe not crossing your hands. Think Patty Cake style. 

 

• Pat-A-Cake - this a a classic song that is played with babies as young as infancy and can be modified for older kids by speeding it up and making it more challenging. 

 

• Rock, Paper, Scissors- this game is great for kids 7+ who get the concept. This game doesn't really facilitate touching each other but it does help two people stand close to each other and establish eye contact. You can bring touch into it by giving a high five, fist pump or hug to the winner.   

 

• Down, Down Baby - this one is a personal favorite of mine from childhood. It can be played with two people or with a group. The singing, rhythm, movement and the challenge of remembering the moves can make for a fun time full of laughs. 

Activities that Include Verbal Affirmation- 
For those of you familiar with the 5 love languages, the concept behind words of affirmation is to verbally express how much we love and appreciate your loved one.

For kids, it can look a bit different depending on the age but here are a few suggestions that can be used throughout your daily routine. 

1). Write a note/draw a picture - in case you've missed it, food marketers now sell snacks with wrappers you can write on. See what I'm referring to here. These opportunities to write or draw a picture for your child while you are away from them can reassure them that even though you are apart, you are still thinking about them. Don't want to buy these kinds of items? I hear ya! Use post-it notes or good old-fashioned paper and tape. It's not about the item vs the note/drawing. 

2). ​State what you love about them - during mealtime or bedtime, finish the following statement:

I love your________ (eyes, ears, smile, laugh) because _________ (your eyes sparkle so bright, your ears hear so well, your smile lights up a room, your laugh is so contagious).

The purpose behind making such a statement is to highlight the greatness of your child. Avoid commenting on what they are wearing or how their hair looks. Instead, focus on who they are.

This can take some practice to get used to doing but with practice it is doable. If you find yourself struggling with this one, simply state what you notice about them. For example, I love your brown eyes., I love your big smile., I love your loud laugh. 

3). Sing a Song - for some parents, it  can be hard to verbally express their love directly. This is where singing and dancing can come in. Under the guise of the lyrics in the song, a parent/guardian can lip-sync the words of the song to the child. The key to doing this is to make sure you are looking and pointing to your child so they know you are "singing" to them. Depending on your child's age, a lullaby can also help; Think, Twinkle, twinkle little star. 

Non-verbal Cues to be aware of with the games mentioned: 

For eye contact games/activities: Some children can be uncomfortable making eye contact due to various issues. If you find your child is not engaging in the games I mentioned, don't push the issue. Just work around it if possible or if you believe it is better, don't play these games at all. 

For physical touch games/activities :  some children are sensitive to touch. For some, touch can be too ticklish or painful which can dysregulate them.  For others, the proximity of having someone close to them may be triggering.

If you find your child is not playing along and instead tries to hit you or to turn it into a different game, it could be a sign that they are uncomfortable and it may be best to switch up the game or not play at all.  

For activities that involve affirming your child: being able to verbally express yourself as a parent/guardian requires your patience and insight into knowing what you are capable of giving. It will also require you to not expect anything in return from your child.

Words of affirmation are meant to celebrate your child's greatness without expecting anything in return. If you expect our child to reciprocate what you are saying, then it will change the nature of the interaction from one of unconditional love to conditional love. 

For some additional tips on how to play games with your child, check out this blog post I wrote. 

Thank you for reading and I wish you and your loved one a Happy Valentine's Day! 

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  To check out her latest workshops or courses, click here. 

As much as we may want it to be, life for our little ones isn’t always perfect. The experience of hardships like divorce, death of a loved one, discrimination, inappropriate touch, etc., is hard to cope with at any age. But, when it is something we find ourselves having to talk about with our young children, we (parents) often can struggle with knowing how and what to say.

Today, we’ll discuss why it can be so hard to talk to our children about these difficult topics, the importance of being mindful of your needs and what you can do to optimize a conversation with your child.


Why is it so much harder with children to talk about difficult topics? 

While some of us are able to discuss these topics with our friends and adult family members with little to no problem – when it comes to broaching the subject with our children, we can feel stuck. 

Why? Well, there are a few reasons:

1). We were never taught how

Often, it’s not about the child’s discomfort discussing these topics vs our own. Many of us simply weren’t taught how to talk about these things, especially topics like death. 

We may have grown up in families where mentioning the word death was avoided. Like when someone's death is referred to them as having "gone to sleep." In other families, death is talked about openly on certain days – like el Dia de los Muertos for many Latin American cultures – but left unaddressed on other days.

All that to say, many of us may have not had role models when it comes to addressing these hard topics with our children in a direct and concrete way.

Death is something, understandably so, that many adults don’t feel comfortable talking about due to the finality of it. This can then create the desire to shield our children from that feeling out of love, compassion and fear. 

2) It brings up our own grief

Aside from not knowing how to talk about these topics, a lot of times we are still grieving ourselves. This is especially true in situations of divorce and death where there can be multiple conflicting emotions involved.

Let's take divorce/separation as an example. Talking with your child about a separation/divorce without a doubt will bring up some grief because at the end of the day, divorce is not just the loss of a relationship but also the loss of the hopes and dreams for a particular union.

For a child, a divorce/separation is the loss of a united presence. A presence they may have known for most/all of their life. A presence that they are likely just learning will no longer be there whereas the parents have probably had more time to adjust to the idea. 

Therefore, talking with your child about this can be even more complicated because it will be challenging to hold space for their new loss as well as your own. 

3). Children have unpredictable responses

Depending on the child’s age, we may not be prepared for the responses they will give us when we share “life-changing” news. Young children especially can be “matter of fact” when it comes to things like loss. And sometimes, their responses will come when we least expect it. 

I’ll never forget the day my family and I were walking with my 4 year old niece, when we saw a dog that looked just like our family pet -Mason - who had recently died.

As we reminisced about our beloved dog and how much we missed him, my niece blatantly blurted out, “Mason is dead” and continued walking as if nothing. We adults, after picking up our jaws, were shocked and confused.  😲 😕

Shocked at the way she seemed “fine” while all of us adults were not fine. It wasn't until later, I learned that her stating this so matter-of-factly was not a reflection of her lack of empathy or sadness but merely a factual understanding of her world at 4 years old.


4) We want our children to be happy

Lastly, perhaps the most “natural” reason why it’s so difficult for us to talk about these things is because we want to protect our children. While we know that the world is not all "rainbows and butterflies" and we can’t protect our children from "bad news" forever – we do strive to protect them from it for as long as possible.

This means that when something painful happens, you might be naturally inclined to avoid the topic with your child. Parents who want to delay telling their children about someone dying or about divorce/separation don’t have malicious intentions – they’re simply trying to protect their child from getting hurt and prevent stirring up their feelings of discomfort.

So, What Can You Do?

Talking with a young, “innocent” child about loss is never going to be easy. I do wish there were some concrete statements I could offer you that would make everything go over smoothly- sort of like those ½ hour shows we used to watch back in the day where everyone is fine by the end of the episode. And, while that is not reality, there are some things I want you to keep in mind that can help you get through these conversations with more preparation and ease.


1) Understand your expectations and triggers

First, it’s most important that you, yourself, are in a good state of mind to talk about whatever topic is troubling for you. If you’re emotionally flooded - meaning you are overwhelmed- then you probably won’t be able to give your child the attention and tailored responses they need.

Understanding the expectations you have for the conversation you are going to talk about is also important. If you are talking about a loved one who has died and are still actively grieving, it is important to know that based on your child's age they may not have the same emotions you do. Knowing this can help prevent unnecessary confusion and anger. 

Understanding your triggers is also vital. For example, if you are talking to your child about an upcoming separation/divorce and instead of sadness from your child, you instead get a child who expresses a desire to be with the other parent -this can not only catch you off guard but also leave you feeling like you have to be on the defense.  

2) Know what works for you and your child

We all process difficult conversations in different ways. Understanding what environment and time of day is ideal for you and your child can help with talking about difficult topics. In other words, when are you the best version of yourself?

For example, I’m not a morning person. Attempt to talk to me before I brush my teeth and have my coffee and we have a problem. ;) Bedtime - also not a great time to bring up heavy conversation for me. My family knows this because I know it. 

Figuring out when you are your best self entails knowing when you are most patient and energetic. Knowing this about your child is also key to making sure you are both ready for a conversation. With children in particular, I would recommend not having tough conversations when they are hungry, tired or sick. 

Where you have these conversations is also important. Do you talk and process things best when you are going for a walk, in the car for a long ride? Depending on your child’s age, the setting can be helpful in making them feel safe. 

When choosing a setting to talk with your child, aim for one that gives you and your child the ability to sit/lay in your lap, cuddle, turn to a stuffie they like, etc. Such options/“creature comforts” can allow a child to soothe any dysregulation they may experience. 

Have more than one child? Depending on their age, conversations about difficult topics may be best had with them separately so that you can address each child's needs and questions directly. A follow up conversation within a family setting can then be conducted. 

3) Learn about child development
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Lastly, understand your child by learning what is typical brain, emotional and social development. This can give you insight into the best ways to approach heavy topics with them.

I think back to the days when I went to my daughter's pediatric appointments and up until about the age of 4 I would get a printed sheet of normal child milestones. While it was mostly generic, I did find some relief in knowing I had some info to guide me as I was raising my first child.

At the age of 5, however, those print outs stopped. No more guidance. I was left to our yearly checkups and maybe reports from school about what is normal and what is not. And while I love the internet, I also recognize how it can be a wealth of overwhelming information that often makes us parents feel like we are not doing a good enough job. 

Learning about typical child development - both brain and emotional- is something that needs to continue so that YOU can continue be the supportive parent you want to be. And, while you can do your research on the internet, I do recognize the need for many parents to find a reliable, go-to source for information on how to continue to support their child.

Therefore, on February 7th, if you haven’t already heard, I will be teaching parents more about what I've written today.

Join me for a virtual parenting workshop on February 7th to gain a better understanding of your child’s ability to understand concepts like loss and what to know about how to talk with them about difficult topics/events.

This virtual parenting workshop is geared toward parents who have children ages 3-8 and will answer questions related to the best way to talk about “tough stuff”, when to go into detail, when to stay vague, and how to cope with your own big emotions.

The workshop will be on Wednesday, February 7th from 12 to 1 PM – click here for more information and to register.

Hope to see you there, and Happy New Year!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 10 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

For those of you who are not subscribers or followers, in October 2023, I was credentialed by the Association of Play Therapy as a Registered Play Therapist™ aka RPT™. (Yayyyy!) 

In an effort to spread the word about what a  Registered Play Therapist™ is and what play therapy is I am writing this blog. And, for those of you who may have heard of “play therapy” you may still have some questions about it. Or, maybe this is your first time ever hearing the term.

Below are some quick answers to what an RPT™ is, as well as other common questions parents have about how working with an RPT™ may help their family.

Q1: What does a Registered Play Therapist™ do?

RPTs use play therapy – a form of child therapy – to help children younger than 12 years old process their emotions and experiences in language that makes sense to the child: play. 

Just like you wouldn’t offer therapy in Spanish to someone who only speaks a little bit of English, you wouldn’t offer talk therapy to a child, especially if they are between the ages of 3-8. The main reason for this is that children, especially young children, don’t fully process and verbally communicate their emotions as effective as when they are playing. 

Play therapy is an evidence-based practice for children, which means that peer-reviewed research had and continues to strongly supports its effectiveness in helping children manage their emotions and other mental health challenges.

A Registered Play Therapist needs to go through a rigorous training and supervised experience  process so as to learn how to offer your child a safe sanctuary where your child’s language of play is deeply understood. We also learn about the certain toys and play interventions that strategically help children express their emotions, process experiences, and modify those behaviors that parents and even children themselves find overwhelming. 

Q2: What does a play therapy session look like?

The exact structure of a session varies according to the type of theory being used by the play therapist as well as where they're at in the therapy process. When it comes to what my play therapy sessions entail, here are the general basics: 

• The initial session is all about helping you, the parent, get to know me and feel comfortable with me. This first session is dedicated to giving you space to tell me all about your child’s situation and get a feel for my style and energy. This session is usually conducted virtually to make it easy on the parent(s) to attend. It is also during this session that the parent(s) is informed more about play therapy and the type of theory/intervention I will likely use with their child during the beginning stages of therapy. How to prepare the child for their first visit to the playroom is also discussed.

 

• After I’ve met with you, we'll then have your child meet with me, in person, in my playroom. The beginning stages of therapy will be all about developing a trusting relationship with your child. So I generally lean towards allowing the child to “call the shots” on whether or not they come into the playroom or stay in the waiting room, whether their parent comes with them and/or whether I get to play with them or not. The first session is really all about them becoming familiar with the therapy playroom and how it is different than regular playrooms at home/school. I typically will also read a book to the child about what Play therapy is and isn’t. 

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• During our sessions thereafter,  I’ll observe how the child plays and the themes that appear in their play to understand how I can support them. For example, I may observe them playing with a dollhouse to understand how they’re experiencing family dynamics. I’ll also use different play therapy techniques to help children work through whatever it is that they’re struggling with. For example, we may use art or kinetic sand to help them express their big emotions.

Q3: I’m worried that my child isn’t doing anything therapeutic, and is just “playing.” How do I know that play therapy is working?

This is a common question parents ask me, and I completely get it especially when you ask your child "What did you talk about or do in therapy" and they respond, "I just played." 

When you aren’t informed about what play therapy is and what its goals are, it’s only natural to think: My child can play with toys at home. Why would I take them to a therapist’s office to do that?

Something to keep in mind is that play therapy isn’t just about playing – its about uses tools of play for therapeutic healing. 

Here's an analogy you may understand, if you have worked with your own therapist. By now after having worked with your own therapist, you should see how talking to your therapist isn’t the same as talking to your friends. While you’re technically “talking” to both, your psychotherapist intentionally uses these the conversations you have to help guide you on examining yourself,  to identify patterns, deepen self-awareness, challenge dysfunctional thoughts, and more. With your therapist, it really isn’t “just” talking.

Play therapy is like that. Yes, your child plays both at home and during therapy. But during play therapy, I’m using the tools of play to help your child meet their emotional and behavioral goals – whatever those may be.

Another phenomenon that is often occurring during play sessions, is the therapist is reflecting the child's likes and dislikes about the toys they are playing with which gives the child a sense of being seen and heard and helps build their self-esteem. 

In terms of how to tell if it’s working, that is going to involve more than just asking your child. RPTs are constantly observing the child’s behavior and measuring even the smallest amount of changes to see if there’s been progress. This progress is then discussed with parents in different ways depending on the therapist. 

During these discussions, we will know therapy is working when we see a decrease in the behaviors that brought your child into therapy (whether it’s tantrums, negative self-talk, separation anxiety, or something else) and an increase  in their ability to manage their own big emotions.

Q4: Do I (The Parent) Get to Meet With the Therapist Too? 
Yes! As far as I'm concerned, parents are the people who spend the most time with their child, and the person who’s most likely to be able to notice any changes within the child and at home.

Therefore, I don't consider myself an expert on your child, rather a knowledgeable professional about various issues related to children. Since you are the expert, I do require that a child’s parent(s) is involved in therapy too so that we can facilitate change faster than if I was just working with the child. 

Being involved in session, in my practice, entails meeting monthly. You will tell me what struggles and behaviors are happening at home and I will tell you what I observe in the playroom. I also help parents understand where the changes are happening, as well as help build their parenting skills so that at some point, I'm no longer needed because the parent and their child are managing well on their  own.

Q5: How long does play therapy last?
It’s understandable to want to know how long your child will need to be in play therapy. The truth is that I can’t answer this question before meeting with your child and understanding the dynamics of the situation. 

Generally, in my experience, it takes 4 to 8 sessions for a child to really trust me and show me their struggles through play. Usually, by this time, I have a good sense of what they need – as well as what you need as the parent. From there, I then give parents a better sense of how long therapy will last, provided no other issues come up but I can tell you there is no magic number.

For those who want so hard numbers, when doing play therapy, I typically see clients once a week and have worked with children for as little as 4 months to as long as 2 years. It really all depends on the child’s needs as well as other factors. 

Q6: What should I tell my child about play therapy? 
The truth is that – unfortunately – therapy still has a pretty high level of stigma attached to it, despite how far we’ve come in mental health awareness. Part of reducing that stigma is to tell your child about therapy just like you would tell them about any other health appointment. Short and sweet. 

I often encourage the parent(s) I work with to tell their child that coming to play therapy is like going to their pediatrician when they have a bad cold, only the play therapist will not give them any shots or medicine. Coming to play therapy is about figuring out how to manage the big emotions that sometimes take over and make the child feel bad. The therapist is there to help the child learn what is bothering them and how to deal with it. Tailored responses for what to say to your child is usually provide during our initial parent session. 

Q7: What if we don’t like the Play therapist?
Building a trusting relationship with your therapist is key to success, so this is a valid question. What happens if you, or your child, don’t like the play therapist?

This is why I offer parents to meet with me first and then I meet with the child. During this first meeting, you can get a sense for me and how I work and whether you think I would be a good fit for your child. Remember - you are the expert! 

If we move ahead with your child coming in to meet me, I will then spend time playing and building trust with your child. I can say that 99.9% of the time, children leave that first session with me asking when they can come back and talking about how they liked the playroom. Granted, I’m not everyone’s “cup of tea” but that is what makes therapy so special. It is all about connection. No connection = no trust = no progress. 

Overall, with my experience of working with various ages, connecting with children ages 3 to 8 has never been an issue for me because it’s where I thrive! But, if your child or you don’t connect with me or another therapist, then you definitely have the right to decide whether or not to move forward and if you are working with me, I'm more than happy to help find you someone you can connect with. 

Do you still have other questions about what a Registered Play Therapist™ does and what play therapy looks like? I’d love to hear from you – please shoot me an email!

Learn more about play therapy and online parent support groups!

I also offer a few different support groups and workshops for parents. Currently, I’m enrolling for my Single Moms Support Group for Women of Color, designed specifically for single moms who identify as a women of color and want to connect with other moms who understand the struggles of raising children in a single-parent household and want to raise their children differently than how they were raised. Learn more about this group here – seats are limited!

And, in February of 2024, I’ll also be running another Workshop – registration coming soon! 

I hope to see you at one of those places soon. As always, thank you for reading!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 10 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. 

It’s back-to-school season for most of us parents, and that means a lot of things: changing routines, separation anxiety, overexcitement, and sleepiness.

Young children can go through so many different emotions when they’re going back to school. You might think it isn’t a big deal to them after their first year – but for most of our little ones, this couldn’t be further from the truth! Just like you are probably going through mixed emotions at this time of year – your child likely does, too.

In today’s blog, I want to talk about what children may feel when going back to school (and why), and how we, as parents, can support them in managing these big feelings.

Common feelings for elementary school children to experience include:

• Anxiety - There are so many changes and new things to learn about on the first day of school. Who will be in my class? Who will my teacher/classmates be? Will my teacher/classmates be nice or mean? What if I don’t like them – or they don’t like me? These are just a few of the thoughts that children could be having, even if they can’t or don't quite verbalize it. And, to be honest, it’s completely understandable – as a parent to a 1st grader, I do have some of these same thoughts/concerns. Change is hard for all of us.

 

• Fear - Sometimes anxiety could go a step further and become fear. Your child could be truly frightened about about the worries we mentioned above. They could also have legitimate fears about school violence or bullying. This can especially be true if they’ve had negative experiences in the past. 

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• Excitement - Many children feel anticipation or excitement leading up to the first day of school. They could be excited to see their friends or to meet their new teacher. Remember that feeling excited doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for other feelings, too; excitement and anxiety (or any other feeling) can coexist.

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• Exhaustion - Your child could also just feel physically and emotionally exhausted leading up to the first day of school. Their summer routines are changing, and their sleep schedules are probably changing too. Waking up early again is a challenge for many children and can lead to fatigue which can lead to opposition and resistance.

Anything that your child may be feeling right now is okay – there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to feel. 

How can you help your child(ren) cope with back-to-school feelings

There are healthy ways that you, as a parent, can help your child deal with any big feelings they might be having about going back to school. Your child is probably feeling a lot of different emotions at once, and you can help them to pick these big feelings apart and start identifying and naming them, one by one.

For example, if you notice that your child cries every time you talk about the first day of school, you might name and reflect the feeling for them: “I think that you’re maybe feeling scared and sad about school. Is that how you’re feeling?” Preschoolers might be too young for complex feelings words, but they can usually understand the basics like “scared” or “sad.”

Once you’ve helped them identify how they’re feeling, try some of these tips to help them get through it.

Helping your child with back-to-school anxiety and fear

If your child is feeling anxious about going back to school, try not to feel overwhelmed. So many of us, as parents, have been through separation anxiety and tantrums during drop on the first day (or weeks!) of school. It can be so painful to see your baby go through this, but there are some things you can do to help ease the anxiety leading up to the big day.

First, find ways to reassure your child in ways that aren’t invalidating. This can be a hard balance; the key is to validate their feelings. Don’t dismiss their feelings, but also don’t forget to communicate your confidence in them.

For example, don’t say: “Don’t be scared; there’s no reason to be.” Your child could experience this as invalidating.

Instead, recognize your child’s fear  by saying something like, “I know you’re so scared because you’re nervous about _____ (fill in the blank). And that’s okay. These things can be scary sometimes. But you know what? I believe in you with all my heart. I know that you’re going to do the best you can and I believe you will end up having a great time and make lots of friends.” This validates while still communicating confidence.

You may also want to include your child in back-to-school shopping. Invite them to pick out something special – like a pencil box or an eraser – that they can take with them on their first day. In the therapy world, we call items like this transitional objects. Your child can’t be with you when they’re at school, but they will have this special item to connect them with you and the safety of home.

Helping your child with back-to-school exhaustion
The best way to deal with fatigue or exhaustion when going back to school is to start preparing for the routine changes before their first day. Instead of trying to get your child out of bed on time on their first day back at school, start building schedules and routines a week or two earlier. That way, when their first day comes around, they’ll already be used to the new schedule and – hopefully – not as exhausted.

For example, start your child on a bedtime routine if they’ve moved away from strict bedtimes during the summer break. Add lots of things into the routine that help them wind down; activities like snack-time, changing into their pj's, brushing their teeth and reading a book together or telling stories to each other while in bed. These are just a few activities before bedtime that send the signal it is time to wind down. 

For more tips on creating a schedule for your child, check out my other blog post. 

Getting back into routines will not only help with exhaustion and sleepiness, but it can also help reduce anxiety. Routines build stability and predictability; when children know what to expect, they feel safe.

What if my child just seems excited?
Many children feel excited to go back to school. There’s a lot to be excited about, from seeing their friends again to learning about their favorite subjects.

If your child is excited for the first day of school, celebrate and lean into it! Enjoy the anticipation and share the excitement with your child. 

Sometimes, though, too much excitement can start to get annoying – as all parents of young children know! For example, maybe your child asks you repeatedly and constantly, “How many more days until the first day of school?” If you find yourself getting annoyed by the incessant and repetitive questioning – totally understandable. My recommendation, try to turn it into a teachable moment.

For example, you could get a visual countdown of days – or even a calendar, depending on how old your child is – and teach your child how to use it to find their own answer to their question.

Online support groups for parents in New Jersey and New York
Sometimes the tips I mention above just don't work out the way they should and parents often find themselves needing more support. If you find yourself struggling with back-to-school or any part of parenting, I have many different support options that can help. 

For dads, I facilitate a virtual support group for fathers who live in New Jersey or New York and who have children newborn-8 year old's. Our next meeting is schedule for Friday, Sept 15 at 10 am. To learn more click here. To let me know you are interested, send me an email at [email protected] 

I also facilitate a Single Moms support group for women of Color. I have one more spot left in the Mom’s group so contact me today if you are interested! Our next meeting is September 16th at 9:15 am. 

Lastly, I'm going to host a FREE online workshop in October for parents who want to learn how to manage their child's tantrums and meltdowns. To learn more and sign up  click here. 

Thank you for reading and I wish you all a successful and stress-free back-to-school!

Father’s Day is coming up, and I want to take the opportunity to talk to you about something that I think is really important: the struggles of fatherhood.

Many of my readers and clients already know that I’m all about mom empowerment. I know firsthand (through both my personal experiences and my work as a therapist) how hard it is to be a mom.

But, I also am very aware of how hard it is to be a dad. I think the difference is that society in general doesn’t talk about dads’ struggles nearly as much.

Add that to the fact that men in general are experiencing what experts call a “friendship recession” – having fewer friends plus being less emotionally connected to the ones they do have - and you end up with a lot of dads who are feeling insecure, isolated, and emotionally exhausted.

So, is there anything we can do about it? I can think of a few things that could help but first, let's get into common father struggles. 

What do Fathers struggle with?

There are so many things that the dads I work with have told me they struggle with, from big and painful emotions to the pragmatic struggle of juggling lots of different responsibilities. 

Insecurity -  many dads tell me that they feel insecure about parenthood – like they just aren’t “good enough,” no matter how much they try. In my experience, this is a common feeling among parents of any gender.

We tend to be our own biggest critics, and it’s easy to start spiraling about how you’re doing as a parent. "Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Do I even know what I’m doing at all?"

Although we all face such questions as parents, dads might especially struggle with these feelings because there isn’t a lot of emotional support out there. You may not have a supportive dad network that lets you know, “Hey, it’s okay. None of us really know what we’re doing.”

Isolation - Research shows that men in general, whether they’re fathers or not, tend to be more socially isolated than women. For fathers in particular, there are a few potential reasons for this. 

Men suffer from “toxic masculinity” - meaning you might not have been shown how to develop deep and intimate friendships as a man. For new dads, that could mean that you end up feeling lonely and isolated as you try to show up in the best way possible but lack the emotional guidance you need from other male figures.

You might not have deeper friendships outside of your family unit. Even if you do, the friends who aren’t fathers might not truly understand what you’re going through – and the ones who are dads might not know how to talk about it or even have time to talk about it.

Dads can also feel isolated within their own home as their partner/spouse spends a lot of time with your newborn during what is commonly called the “fourth trimester”.   

It is not uncommon for fathers to report feeling like an outsider when it comes to helping out their partner/spouse during the fourth trimester and even during the first year of the child's life. Factors that can contribute to this feeling can include:

• Your partner/spouse takes the lead on all your baby's needs and you are not being given a chance to help out in a way that connects with the baby. 

• Your partner/spouse is breastfeeding. Not being able to physically help during feeding time, especially if your partner/spouse is struggling with breastfeeding, can especially make some new dads feel helpless and insecure. 

Work-life balance - balancing parenthood and work is another thing that we tend to associate with the mom struggle. But one survey found that dads were actually more likely to report significant conflict between family and work.

For example, over 40% of dads agreed that “The demands of your family or personal relationships interfere with job-related activities,” compared with 33% of moms. 

Dads of young children (0 to 8) were also significantly more likely to feel that they weren’t spending enough time with their kids.

Many dads also say that, although we’ve come a long way in terms of equality and parenting, moms are still societally expected to be the one to step up to the plate when it comes to childrearing.

As moms, we are all-too-aware of this. But these types of stigmas and inequalities can be tough for dads in different ways – for example, they might be judged by their employer for taking time paternity leave and/or time off to take care of their sick child. 

Grieving the loss of your previous life - just like moms, dads often go through a period of grief for the lives they led before the baby came along. The birth of a child comes with so many changes. You might be spending a lot less time alone. You may no longer be able to engage in your hobbies. You might feel like you can’t contribute as much at work, and miss what that feels like. You both may also be grieving your previous childfree relationship or you find yourself the only one grieving that loss.

We talk so much about mom grief. But just because dads don’t go through the physical changes of pregnancy and childbirth doesn’t mean that they don’t grieve, too.

Undervalued and unseen - lastly, lots of dads feel undervalued as a parent because of the simple fact that they are male. This could look like feeling unappreciated for the things that you do contribute to parenting. But it could also mean that you feel like your potential or what you could be doing isn’t being taken advantage of.

The mother of your baby, and the other women around her, could also unknowingly be pushing you out of having an equal role in child rearing. Statements like, "he's a man, what does he know," or "Let the mom handle that." This can be especially true when it comes to responsibilities like changing your child's diaper and/or bath time. 

Dads are also expected to “toughen up” and deal with their problems on their own. Research actually shows that 1 in 5 men experience a mental health problem during pregnancy and/or the first 6 months of the baby’s life. But you wouldn’t know it, because nobody talks about this and the support that is out there is not usually given as much news. As a result, you might wind up feeling like your feelings aren’t valid.

What can help? Online support group for dads

First and foremost, as many of my clients know,– I don’t claim to have all of the answers. Clearly, a lot needs to change in our society so that both dads and moms can feel more appreciated and fulfilled in their roles.

But one thing I can help address is the isolation that you might be feeling as a dad. I firmly believe that dads need emotional support just as much as moms. That’s why I run a monthly, virtual father support group. 

In this support group for dads of kids aged 0 to 8, we address:

• how to juggle the demands of being a parent, a partner and/or managing work responsibilities

• how to cope with feeling like you are not doing a good enough job

• how you can be a great father even though you may not have a good role model yourself

Interested in learning more? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation or email me at [email protected] so we can see if you’re a good fit.

Aside from just promoting my group, I also want to let you know about other resources worth looking into. 

Fathering Together -  a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing knowledge and sharing resources about fatherhood. 

Postpartum Support International - an international organization geared to providing support in helping both new dads and moms.
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Thank you for reading and I wish you and your loved ones a very Happy Father’s Day!

In last month's blog post, I shared common reasons playing with our kids can be hard for many parents. Reasons like not having enough time, being too exhausted and in some cases, simply not enjoying little kids’ games were discussed. Missed that last blog post? Check it out here.

But, there’s another barrier I didn’t touch upon last month, which is: “Is my kid even having fun playing with me?”

So many parents – myself included at times – don’t know how to properly gauge whether their child is authentically having a good time.

Questions like, "Are they having fun playing with me?", "Do they even want to be playing this game right now?", "Are they bored?", are just a few of the questions that can arise when we are doubting our ability to engage our child. 

All of these worries are super common and normal for parents to have. I especially find this to be common among parents who are single parents and/or divorced. Today, I’m here to offer you some signs to look out for that will let you know your child is having fun playing with you. Tips on how to play with your child in a way that’s enjoyable for both of you will also be provided.


Signs that your child is having fun with you

First, I want to acknowledge the fact that while I'm trained to look out for these signs, I'm in no way an expert on your child and your relationship dynamic. I firmly believe that when parents are attuned to their child, they know them best and will instinctually know when their child is authentically having fun. So, do pay attention to your instinct. On the flip side, for some parents, it can be hard to pay attention to that instinct because they may have been taught to not trust it. Whether you are attuned or not, here are some signs to look out for. 

1) Your Child is laughing in an amazing, almost contagious way

Kids who are having a good time will often let out a deep belly laugh. You know the one – that silly, amazing laugh that sounds like pure joy. It’s that laugh that they’ve had since they were babies.

Researchers say that babies’ laughter is so infectious because it’s authentic. And our ability to recognize genuine laughter (vs. a “fake laugh”) is universal across nations and cultures.

So that’s what you’re looking for – that genuine belly laugh that lets you know that your child is having a great time. 

You may be wondering, can kids “fake laugh”? Yes, they can. Sometimes this laugh sounds like a nervous giggle or an exaggerated loud laugh.

In my practice, I've noticed that a fake laugh most commonly comes up when a parent is tickling a child and/or playing a competitive game. What starts out as genuine play and laughter can easily turn into a nervous laugh when the child is starting to feel uncomfortable and wants to stop playing but doesn't know how.

Being mindful of when your child's authentic belly laugh changes to a nervous giggle or almost yelling laugh can help you gauge when you may want to take a break and change to something else. 

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2) They are focused and not disconnecting 

Another sign that your child is having a truly good time playing with you is that they’re focused on the play and are not trying to distract you with their “antics.” 

Often in my play practice, I notice parents who are excited to play a new game/activity with their child only to be met with a child who either gets up and tries to play with something else or tries to annoy the parent by doing something silly.

This can look like poking the parent, using language that the parent doesn't approve of, moving away from the parent. etc.

I refer to such behavior as a disconnection. Such moments of disconnection can often be accompanied by a lot of giggling. 

Typically, when this happens, it is usually the child's way of letting us know that they are not enjoying themselves and want to move on to something else.

If your child is not doing this, then great! They are more than likely enjoying play time with you. If they are disconnecting, then move on to something else.  


3) They directly tell you they’re having fun and don't want to stop

Don’t underestimate the power of words. Kids will often tell you if they’re having a good time as well as when they’re bored. If your child tells you that they don’t want to play with something because it’s boring, believe them! 

If they also tell you how much fun they are having, believe them too! Sometimes parents can doubt how much fun a child is having because the type of activity/play they are doing doesn't fit into the parents' definition of fun. 

Kids don’t tend to lie about these things and by honoring their likes and dislikes it can make them feel more comfortable to return again for some more. 


Why isn’t my child having fun playing with me?

Now, let’s talk about the next burning question, which is: Why doesn’t it seem like my child is having fun? For some parents this can feel devastating but try not to take it personally. Instead, ty to understand that it may be more about what and how you’re playing.

Some of the most common reasons children don’t have fun when playing are:
 

• The activity is too advanced or challenging: if an activity is above your child's developmental level and they feel pressure to perform vs play, then they may see it more as a learning activity vs a play activity. 

 

• The adult is focusing more on competition than on fun and creativity: It’s hard for us, as adults, to remember that playing is about – and only about – having FUN! (Learn more here about the different types of play). The time you have set aside to play with your child, should not be about winning, following rules, teachable moments, or any of that. It should be about laughing, being silly and getting lost in time. 

 

• The adult is taking too much of a leading role: Children typically have more fun when they’re able to have input in how to play. In other words, if they want to change the rules of a game or make up imaginary, unrealistic stories, let them! As adults, sometimes we will focus on teaching social skills, science facts or straight up just taking over the play because we have our own play agenda. When this happens, a child can feel like they are not being accepted for who they are and how they want to express themselves. 

  

• The setting isn’t ideal for your child: Sometimes, children don’t have fun because the setting isn’t great for play – it may be too noisy, too crowded, too many toys lying around and distracting them, or they, themselves, might be hungry or tired.

While there are certainly other reasons your child may not enjoy playtime with you - like sound and touch sensitives, the important thing is to pay attention to your child's verbal and non-verbal signals. Doing so will help you identify patterns during their play and will ultimately allow you to address barriers that are coming up. 


The last thing I will leave you with is information about a Summer Camp I am hosting for parents this Summer. 

One of the things I love about my practice is being able to help parents and children learn how to play together in a loving and joyful way. Witnessing their moments of connection and hearing their genuine laughter brings a true sense of fulfillment to me. 

Due to my time limitations, unfortunately, I'm unable to help as many families as I would like to, so I've put together a "camp" for Parents in the hopes of helping more families.

This two-hour, four day, in-person workshop is aimed at helping parents learn how to play with their child and connect with other parents in the same boat.

Essentially, the Summer Camp for Parents will focus on helping parents of 3-8 year old's:
 

• learn about toys to help children manage big emotions

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• strategize and implement a playtime routine that prioritizes connecting and bonding vs prioritizing other adult things

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• identify barriers from their own childhood that may be blocking them from playing with their child the way they wish they could

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• identify ways to make ending playtime and transitioning to something else easier

 

• learn what kinds of play the adult likes and how it can be turned into a form of self-care  

I'm limiting this camp to four individuals so that I can provide tailored suggestions and have one on one time with each person as we play with various toys/tools.

Toys, light refreshments and snacks will also be provided. 

Get in touch with me for more information and to sign up!

Thank you as always for taking time to read this!