• Home
  • About Me
  • Services
    • Therapy for Adults
    • Therapy for Children >
      • Individual Play Therapy
      • Family Play Therapy
    • Continuing Education Trainings >
      • History and Play Therapy Training
    • Parent Recordings & Workshops
    • Video Counseling
  • Location & Hours
  • Fees
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • Privacy Practices Notice
  • Virtual Book Club for Healthcare & Wellness Practiioners
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Services
    • Therapy for Adults
    • Therapy for Children >
      • Individual Play Therapy
      • Family Play Therapy
    • Continuing Education Trainings >
      • History and Play Therapy Training
    • Parent Recordings & Workshops
    • Video Counseling
  • Location & Hours
  • Fees
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • Privacy Practices Notice
  • Virtual Book Club for Healthcare & Wellness Practiioners
Christine M. Valentín, LCSW, LLC
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Services
    • Therapy for Adults
    • Therapy for Children >
      • Individual Play Therapy
      • Family Play Therapy
    • Continuing Education Trainings >
      • History and Play Therapy Training
    • Parent Recordings & Workshops
    • Video Counseling
  • Location & Hours
  • Fees
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • Privacy Practices Notice
  • Virtual Book Club for Healthcare & Wellness Practiioners
Back to Blog

Dysregulation, Self-Regulation, and Co-Regulation: What’s the Difference, and Why Does It Matter for Parents?

5/8/2024

 
PicturePhoto by Juan Pablo Serrano
If you’ve been on child development websites or scrolled “ParentTok” accounts on social media recently, you’ve probably heard terminology with the word “regulation” — terms like self-regulation, dysregulation, and co-regulation. But you might wonder, what do these words mean? Do they all mean basically the same thing, or are they different?

I get it — before I was trained as a play therapist, I was definitely confused when I heard words like these. I kind of knew what they meant, but not exactly. To be honest, I felt like they were out of my wheelhouse. Let’s be real here; in my Puerto Rican/Nuyorican upbringing, no one was using words like “regulation” back when I was raised, and I think the same goes for many of you as well. But now that I’ve learned, I’m able to use these concepts to help my clients as well as my own family. 

In today’s blog, I want to talk about these 3 very important terms — dysregulation, self-regulation, and co-regulation — and why they matter to us as parents. I’ll go over a brief definition of each before getting into how you can recognize and help your child achieve them.
What is “regulation”? It might be helpful to start with the part of these words that they have in common: “regulation.” All 3 of these terms contain “regulation,” but what does that mean?

To put it as simply as possible, regulation is the ability to control something. For example, an organization might have regulations for employee behavior. There might be regulations for the standard sizes of car seats. A parent might regulate their child’s internet use.

In the field of mental health, we typically apply the word regulation to emotions, thoughts, or behaviors. For example, we might help regulate our infant’s fear by holding or rocking them. You regulate your behaviors every time you display impulse control — you may stick to a budget even when you want to purchase something, you resist the urge to raise your voice or the urge to have one more piece of chocolate. 

The ability to regulate emotions and behaviors is generally seen as one of the most important things for psychological well-being. 

Dysregulation
Dysregulation is the opposite of regulation. When you’re dysregulated, you’ve lost control over your emotions and behaviors. Adults who are dysregulated might shout, have angry outbursts, or not be able to stop crying. We all get dysregulated sometimes, but mental health conditions like depression or ADHD can cause some people to be chronically dysregulated.

Children are still learning how to regulate their emotions, so they tend to get more dysregulated more often. This is normal and developmentally appropriate – they haven’t mastered the skill of regulation yet! Your child might be more likely to be dysregulated when they haven’t had their basic needs met — like when they’re hungry, tired, or sick.

Some signs that your child might be dysregulated include:

  • They're having a harder time staying focused or paying attention.
  • You might notice they're getting more easily irritated or having mood swings.
  • When upset, their emotional reactions seem stronger, like getting really angry or frustrated.
  • After getting upset, it's taking them longer to calm down.
  • You might see changes in their behavior, like withdrawing or acting out.
  • Sometimes they complain about physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomach aches.
  • They might seek more reassurance from you or become clingier.
  • Transitions or changes in routine seem harder for them to handle.
  • They’re crying a lot or having tantrums.

Self-regulation
Self-regulation is the ability to regulate your own emotions and behaviors. Most adults do this to some extent, although we can still have trouble sometimes. For example, you might go for a run when you’re feeling stressed, or call a friend when you’re feeling sad. Then there are also the unhealthy ways we self-regulate, like drinking or using drugs to try to feel better.

You might think that young children don’t know how to self-regulate yet, but actually, even infants self-regulate in some ways. For example, many babies and toddlers try to soothe themselves by sucking on their hands and/or thumbs. A young child, or even an infant, might turn away from something that’s bothering them (like bright lights) or even turn towards you for comfort.

As toddlers get older, they’re able to self-regulate in more complex ways. They might develop a little more impulse control over their behaviors, and be able to think before they act. You can also teach them new social-emotional techniques for self-regulation, like deep belly breathing or stretching.

Some other ways that young children can self-regulate are:

  • Engaging in rhythmic activities like rocking back and forth or swaying side to side to comfort themselves.
  • Engaging in repetitive behaviors such as tapping fingers or bouncing to self-soothe (this is sometimes called “stimming”)
  • Creating their own safe spaces or cozy corners where they can retreat to when feeling overwhelmed.
  • Using sensory tools like fidget toys or stress balls to help regulate their emotions.
  • Seeking out familiar routines or rituals that provide a sense of security and predictability.
  • Expressing their emotions through creative outlets like drawing, coloring, or imaginative play.
  • Seeking out social interaction with peers or caregivers for comfort and support during times of distress.
  • Engaging in physical activities like running, jumping, or dancing to release pent-up energy and tension

The best thing about self-regulation is that it’s a skill you can teach your children just like any other.

If they’re in school, they may even already have learned techniques in classroom SEL (socio-emotional learning) lessons. Just like you’d teach them skills like how to brush their own teeth or put their toys away, you can teach them self-regulation skills. Mindfulness is a good one to start with; there are lots of resources online and at the library that can give you ideas of how to teach children how to pause and breathe when they’re upset.


Co-regulation
Of course, your child won’t always be able to regulate their own emotions – they still need you to support them! This is where co-regulation comes in. Self-regulation is when your child is able to soothe themselves on their own. Co-regulation is when you support your child in regulating their emotions.

Co-regulation is so important for young children. First of all, it can create bonding and attachment between you and your child. It’s a way to consistently respond to your child’s emotional needs and help them feel secure. It also helps your child deal with big, painful feelings before they’re able to do this for themselves. Co-regulation teaches children important regulation skills and provides them with comfort when they don’t know how to comfort themselves.

Co-regulation can be as simple as offering a hug or a snuggle when your child is crying. Some other creative ways that you can co-regulate with your child include:

  • Create a "calm down kit" together with your child, filled with items like stress balls, sensory toys, or a favorite stuffed animal, that they can use when feeling overwhelmed.
  • Build a cozy fort or tent together using blankets and cushions, and retreat inside with your child for some quiet time and relaxation.
  • Start a "feelings journal" where your child can draw or write about their emotions, and take turns sharing and discussing each other's entries.
  • Make a "calm down jar" filled with glitter and water, and shake it together while taking deep breaths to watch the glitter settle as a visual representation of calming down. (P.S. I personally am not a fan of glitter for many reasons so know your limit. I highlight it here because I know many other therapists who really like this kind of activity) 
  • Create a "breathing buddy" by placing a stuffed animal on your child's belly and encouraging them to watch it rise and fall as they take deep breaths together.
  • Establish a special bedtime routine that includes relaxation techniques like reading a calming book, practicing gentle stretches, or listening to soothing music together.

Takeaway & online parenting workshop!
The terminology can get confusing, but at the end of the day, it’s just about being able to notice signs that your child is having trouble managing their own emotions — they are dysregulated — and supporting them and helping them use skills to self-soothe or calm themselves down (self-regulation and/or co-regulation). Knowing these terms can help you understand your child’s tantrums and intervene quickly.

I know how challenging parenting a young child can be, especially without guidance which is why I continue to offer in-person and virtual parenting workshops for parents of children aged 3 to 8!

My next workshop is a popular one and will be held on May 21st, where I’ll be walking you some key developmental milestones you should be aware of in order to help your child with their meltdowns. I’ll talk about concepts like dysregulation and how to use this knowledge to make your parenting journey easier.

I’m also offering an in-person training for therapists on June 15th, where we’ll talk about how to help clients improve co-regulation between parents and children. Sign up today before the deadline.

Whether you’re a parent or a therapist (or both!), I hope to see you at one of my workshops. Thanks for reading!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14  years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

The Connection Between Tantrums and the Four Fundamental Needs of Every Child

4/12/2024

 
PicturePhoto by Ketut Subiyanto

A common issue that many parents of young children (3 to 8) seek help from me with is tantrums. Every child has them, but that doesn’t make them any less frustrating in the moment. 

This can especially be true when our child is old enough to use words to express their thoughts and feelings. We think, well, if they needed something, then they’d let me know.

Since, however, this is often not the case for young children, it can cause us to mistakenly believe that there’s no real need behind the tantrum and our child is just making life difficult for us. 


In other cases, our children may use words and tell us what is wrong, but, sometimes what they say isn’t really what the issue is - especially if they are not fully equipped to tell us what they need and when they need it.

A child being able to express their needs is often much more complex than just using words. Young children are still learning how their bodies work which means they don’t always understand the signals coming from their bodies, what they mean and how to verbalize it.


This is when they turn to us for help and sometimes, that helps comes in the form of a tantrum. When it does, it can be tricky to try to figure out what they’re trying to tell us!

What often helps parents I work with, is a reminder about some of the basic needs their growing children has. Below 
are a few of the basic needs of all children and even for us as adult.

When your child is having an emotional outburst or meltdown, run through them in your mind and see if they apply. The solution to reducing their tantrum might be simpler than you think!


Hunger
Some children are able to recognize that a rumbly tummy = hunger. But this isn’t always the case. Your child may be too young to notice and to communicate hunger signals. Children who are having tummy problems can also have a hard time differentiating between being hungry and having an upset tummy. 

Instead of talking with us, we may then see a tantrum.
If your child is having a tantrum ask yourself, “When was the last time they ate, and could an unmet hunger need be at the root of their tantrum?” 


Thirst
Water is a basic human need for survival! But even as adults, we often misread thirst signals, so it’s not surprising that younger children often don’t realize they’re thirsty until they’re absolutely parched. And, being too thirsty can cause meltdowns, too.

Just like with hunger, ask yourself when was the last time they had something to drink. Having a drink handy at all times (i.e. water bottles and juice boxes) can allow you to offer it to your child regularly instead of waiting for them to tell you that they’re thirsty.

Support through illness
As parents we know that when our child is not feeling well, they can get cranky, irritable and have tantrums in one form or another. Supporting a child through an illness can look different for many of us. I know for me, I automatically go into anxious mode at the thought of getting sick myself and being out of work. 

The ability to support my child, as well as myself, is vital when we are dealing with the basic need of nurture. Prioritize their recovery vs trying to stick to the “standards” you have about their daily structure and nutrition. 

For example, in my household, there’s a running joke that my daughter loves it when she is sick. Why? Because this is when I let go of the "should's" - she shouldn’t be watching too much tv; she shouldn’t be eating too much of x, y and z foods. 

Instead, I prioritize her rest, hydration, and nutrition. Meaning, when she’s sick, she gets to watch TV for hours and drink lots of juice (i.e. not watered down). Sore throat? She gets ice cream!

Would a nutritionist or her pediatrician agree with this method? Don’t know and honestly, I don’t care. At this point, I do what works for me and my family. Rest, isolation (so everybody else doesn’t get sick! 😛) and hydration! These are the basic needs I take care of to prevent meltdowns.

Connection with you
​
Lastly, children need to feel connected with you – it’s as basic a need as food or water. But we all know how hard it can be to pencil in one-on-one time into our schedules. This is especially true when we have more than one child, we’re a single parent, or there’s just a lot going on. Not only is there not enough time for connection some days, but often as parents, we’re simply too drained.

When we can figure out how to make time for one-on-one connection, however, it can pay off tremendously.

Now, I’m not saying you have to carve out hours of your afternoon to do special activities together every day. All your child needs is to feel connected with you, which really means capitalizing on the time that you and your child already spend together.


For example, you can meet their need for connection while you’re walking/driving to or from school and playing games like I Spy, or when you’re eating breakfast or preparing their lunch and talking about a show/program they enjoy watching.

And connection isn’t just about having long, deep conversations – you can also connect nonverbally. Make eye contact and smile; Position your body in a way that lets them know, “You have my full attention!”; Give them a gentle touch on their back to let them know you are aware of their presence and love them.


Takeaway & online workshop!
Thinking about these things when your child is having a tantrum can feel trivial or “silly” – but they’re often the culprit, and we can help our children a lot by paying attention to these needs.

Being mindful of the last time your child has eaten, had a drink, or slept – and if they might have a cold coming on can be extremely helpful.


While I know this can seem too basic and that life is sometimes much more intricate than tending to these needs, know that being mindful of such things often gets lost in the day to day responsibilities. Plus, as our child grow, we rely more heavily on their ability to verbalize their troubles. 

Remembering the basics will allow us to make a tangible change if we’re aware of it. And when we are made away of it and implement those changes, it can make our lives a whole lot easier! But, I understand how parenting life can be so overwhelming and implementing a change can be daunting without the right guidance. 


This is why I've recently expanded my services to include in-person and virtual workshops to educate and remind parents about this!

If you are looking for some first-hand tips and feedback on how you can better support your child's emotional well-being and learn how to make the most out of one on one time, then consider attending my next in-person parent workshop on 4/30!

I also am hosting my popular virtual workshop on April 16th about tantrums, where I’ll review what you need to know about your child's development and how to help your 3 to 8 child with tantrums and meltdowns.

I hope to see you, whether it’s in-person or online. Thanks so much for reading!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14  years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

Does Your Child Have a Sensory Sensitivity? 4 Things Your Child May Be Sensitive To, and How To Help Them

3/7/2024

 
photo/loving-mother-hugging-black-son-6624477/PicturePhoto by Keira Burton
Do you feel that your child is very sensitive? And for purposes of this post, I don’t necessarily mean sensitive to emotions. I’m talking more about sensory sensitivity, or a heightened awareness of certain external stimuli. This might look like getting frustrated in loud spaces or not liking the feel of certain clothes on their skin.

If your child is sensitive in this way, they’re not alone. Sensory sensitivity is a super common phenomenon among younger children.

Sensory sensitivities are more common in neurodivergent children, like those with autism or ADHD – although some neurodivergent children don’t have any issues. In addition, these children aren’t the only ones who are sensitive to certain stimuli. It’s estimated that up to 16.5% of the general population lives with some sort of sensory processing challenges – meaning that it’s very normal and common!

In fact, I would say that most children are sensitive to something. For example, they might hear a loud motorcycle zooming by and cover their ears, or not want to touch something because it feels “icky.” It’s completely normal to be sensitive to some things, both for children and adults.

Just because your child is sensitive to certain sensory inputs does not mean that they have a disorder (like sensory processing disorder). Sensory sensitivities vary across individual children. Some children may be sensitive to certain stimuli, while others may not (or might be sensitive to different stimuli). 

There is a point at which these hypersensitivities could fit the bill for a diagnosis and extra support, so it’s important to talk to your child's doctor and/or a mental health provider if you’re concerned. But, in general, if it isn’t impairing their functioning (like their learning at school or their ability to make friends), then it’s probably within the “normal” range.

In today’s blog, I’m going to go over 4 things that you may not have known your child is sensitive to. I’ll also give you some tips you can use to help your child when they’re upset about these things.

Sensory sensitivities your child may have
4 different stimuli that your little one might be sensitive to can include: 

1) Sounds
Most children are sensitive to some sounds, especially those that imply danger. For example, your child might be afraid of the sound of thunder or cover their ears when they hear shouting. 

Think for a moment about when you are watching a horror movie or a tense TV show. When you pay close attention, you’ll notice there are sounds that tell us that danger is coming before we actually see it appear on-screen. Like the music ramping or changing melody or even hearing footsteps. As adults, it’s possible we may have learned to tune this out – but children can pick up on these “scary” sounds a lot easier than we can.

Some of the things you may notice your child do when they are hyper aware of a sound can include 
suddenly covering their ears, running away, or telling you that they feel scared. They might also ask you to turn the TV off (or turn on the lights) before anything really scary jumps out at them on screen. They might even start having a tantrum.

If you find yourself feeling confused in the moment (because the sounds don’t bother you), take it as a sign that your child is picking up on sounds that imply danger is coming and is probably scared. 


2)Temperature
Temperature is a big one for young children, and you may have noticed that they seem to have a different internal thermometer altogether sometimes. When you feel nice and toasty, they may tell you that they feel cold. Or you might feel chilly on a cloudy day, only for them to tell you that they want to jump in the pool. Strong reactions or insistence to have things their way when it comes to temperature of water, food, etc., can you be an indication they are sensitive.

3)Light
Some children are sensitive to light. This may be light in general – for example, they may become very upset when the lights come on as they’re waking up – or only certain types of lights, such as the flashing lights of a police siren/ambulance.

You might see them squinting or closing their eyes; they might ask you to turn the source of the lights off. If the light source continues to bother them, you may also notice a tantrum.

4)Texture
Many children are also sensitive to textures, whether it’s the texture of their clothes or different foods. Even if they love the taste of the food, they might hate the texture – which can be confusing sometimes for us as adults.

I remember, as a child, I hated a hot cereal called Farina. My Abuela would make it most mornings, with cinnamon and milk (nice and sweet) and while my siblings loved it — I just could not get over the texture! To this day, I can’t bring myself to eat it despite how good it smells. ;)

In the same way, your child might be resistant to certain foods because they’re sensitive to texture, not because they don’t like the taste. And that’s typically not something that they can simply “get over” and for those who are non-verbal, something they can’t even articulate. 

How to help your child with sensory sensitivities

Sensory sensitivities can be so hard to deal with because it often feels like they come out of nowhere. But in reality, it’s likely that your child is giving you signs that they’re uncomfortable or overstimulated way before the meltdown/tantrum happens.

1) Observe and Pay Attention 
Try to observe and listen to what your child is communicating, both verbally and non-verbally, and honor their needs the best you can. This often involves letting go of our own agenda, vision, or – often – need for perfection, and simply meeting our children where they’re at.

I completely understand that this is often easier said than done. Verbally, it’s pretty simple, but you may not pick up right away on the fact that they’re saying these things because of sensory sensitivities. For example, a toddler might say things like, “I don’t like it,” or “Yucky,” or “I don’t want to wear it.” 

These statements confuse us sometimes as parents, especially when it’s about something they’ve done a million times before (for example, if they suddenly tell you they don’t want to wear something that they’ve already worn). But your child may be trying to tell you that they’re overwhelmed with the sensory stimuli.

2) Pay attention to non-verbal cues
Flailing, squirming, or scratching are a few examples of non-verbal cues. You might also notice your child turn away from certain stimuli – for example, covering their ears or closing their eyes. These are all signs that they may be sensitive to something in their environment.


3) Honor what they need
When we do pick up on the fact that our child is sensitive to certain sensory input, it’s important to honor where they’re at – even if we don’t necessarily understand. Here’s an example. My daughter absolutely
hates jeans. She always has. The minute that denim texture hits her skin, she flails it off.  


But, I love how jeans look and I love to see her dressed in "cute" jumpers and a jean jacket. And, while I could push my own agenda and "mandate" her to wear the jeans for our family portrait, not only would I be upsetting her, but I’d be signing myself up for hours of tantrums and overall dysregulation for both her and myself.

So...I gave up on jeans and I make sure to tell my relatives not to buy her anything jean material.  For me, it’s worth it.


4) Your Child Is Not Alone

I’ve heard similar stories from the parents I work with and understand that each child is unique and has their own needs.

I recall one mom I spoke with who told me how her son would get really upset every morning when it was time to wake up. Feeling perplexed and annoyed by his intense, angry reaction every morning, she put her observation hat on and figured out that this reaction was set off whenever she turned on the bedroom lights. While her son did request she did not turn on the lights, it was dismissed because she didn't realize how much of a sensitivity it was for him. Once she and her child figured out how to modify the morning routine, mornings became much smoother for the both of them.


Another parent I know uses headphones to help ease her child’s noise sensitivities at large gatherings. Does a pair of big headphones look “cute” with her dress? Absolutely not. Maybe people will even judge or critique. But, the headphones help her child cope better in loud spaces which means the parents can enjoy themselves and not have to sacrifice their fun time and worry about their child being uncomfortable.

Sometimes, being able to put aside our own parenting goals/agendas and simply attuning to what our child’s needs can make the whole parenting experience a lot easier. 

That’s all I got for this month but if you want more insight on how to help your little one, check out my other blogs or join me at one of my online parenting workshops!

On March 20th, I’ll be hosting a virtual workshop on how to help your child with meltdowns and other behaviors. This workshop is specifically designed for parents of children aged 3 to 8 who want to learn how to manage a demanding or bossy child, decrease opposition, and reduce aggression. You can sign up here. 

Hope to see you there! Thanks for reading!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14  years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

7 Games that Can Help You Build A Closer Relationship with Your Child

2/9/2024

 
PicturePhoto by RDNE Stock project
Love, according to the Oxford dictionary, is "an intense feeling of deep affection." Two years ago, I featured a 3 part series related to how parents and children and enjoy quality time with each other through various simple, interactive games. Games that don't require you to purchase anything and that you can even do while waiting on the long supermarket line. 

Below is a summary of that 3 part series, including the games that I most often recommend to the parents I work with who have children between 2-8 years old. 

Games that Include Making Eye Contact- 

Looking into your child's eyes is a form of non-verbal communication that is intimate because it allows us to be present with one another. A few eye contact games that I often recommend in my practice include: 

  • Copy My Face- this is a game where you and your child will take turns making funny faces. The sillier the face the better as it affords an opportunity connect via laughter. It also can give you a chance to see just how skilled your child can be at making a variety of faces.  
​
  • No Blinking Contest - in this game, you and your child will stare at each other's eyes and see who lasts the longest without blinking. Depending on the age of the child, I will sometimes let it slide if there is a slight blink when we are first getting started. And, in case you missed my previous blog post, here's a reminder - these games are not about the parent winning but instead about giving the child an opportunity to master a skill and have fun while doing so. 
 
  • Last, but certainly not least, Peek-A-Boo is a classic infant/toddler game that makes "disappearing behind hands" fun and intriguing for young children. It creates suspense and can lead to spontaneous bursts of giggling during the moments of suspense. 

Games that Include Touch- 
Games that involve touch are important for a child and for us as human beings because research has shown how infants actually thrive when touched and how nurturing touch allows us to feel connected and loved.

Below are a few games/activities that involve touch.

  • Ms. Mary Mack - do you remember playing this one? This can be a fun game for a child 3 and older. While the hand motions can be a little tricky for the younger ones, try modifying it by going slower and maybe not crossing your hands. Think Patty Cake style. 
 
  • Pat-A-Cake - this a a classic song that is played with babies as young as infancy and can be modified for older kids by speeding it up and making it more challenging. 
 
  • Rock, Paper, Scissors- this game is great for kids 7+ who get the concept. This game doesn't really facilitate touching each other but it does help two people stand close to each other and establish eye contact. You can bring touch into it by giving a high five, fist pump or hug to the winner.   
 
  • Down, Down Baby - this one is a personal favorite of mine from childhood. It can be played with two people or with a group. The singing, rhythm, movement and the challenge of remembering the moves can make for a fun time full of laughs. 

Activities that Include Verbal Affirmation- 
For those of you familiar with the 5 love languages, the concept behind words of affirmation is to verbally express how much we love and appreciate your loved one.

For kids, it can look a bit different depending on the age but here are a few suggestions that can be used throughout your daily routine. 


1). Write a note/draw a picture - in case you've missed it, food marketers now sell snacks with wrappers you can write on. See what I'm referring to here. These opportunities to write or draw a picture for your child while you are away from them can reassure them that even though you are apart, you are still thinking about them. Don't want to buy these kinds of items? I hear ya! Use post-it notes or good old-fashioned paper and tape. It's not about the item vs the note/drawing. 

2). ​State what you love about them - during mealtime or bedtime, finish the following statement:

I love your________ (eyes, ears, smile, laugh) because _________ (your eyes sparkle so bright, your ears hear so well, your smile lights up a room, your laugh is so contagious).

The purpose behind making such a statement is to highlight the greatness of your child. Avoid commenting on what they are wearing or how their hair looks. Instead, focus on who they are.

This can take some practice to get used to doing but with practice it is doable. If you find yourself struggling with this one, simply state what you notice about them. For example, I love your brown eyes., I love your big smile., I love your loud laugh. 


3). Sing a Song - for some parents, it  can be hard to verbally express their love directly. This is where singing and dancing can come in. Under the guise of the lyrics in the song, a parent/guardian can lip-sync the words of the song to the child. The key to doing this is to make sure you are looking and pointing to your child so they know you are "singing" to them. Depending on your child's age, a lullaby can also help; Think, Twinkle, twinkle little star. 

Non-verbal Cues to be aware of with the games mentioned: 

For eye contact games/activities: Some children can be uncomfortable making eye contact due to various issues. If you find your child is not engaging in the games I mentioned, don't push the issue. Just work around it if possible or if you believe it is better, don't play these games at all. 

For physical touch games/activities :  some children are sensitive to touch. For some, touch can be too ticklish or painful which can dysregulate them.  For others, the proximity of having someone close to them may be triggering.

If you find your child is not playing along and instead tries to hit you or to turn it into a different game, it could be a sign that they are uncomfortable and it may be best to switch up the game or not play at all.  


For activities that involve affirming your child: being able to verbally express yourself as a parent/guardian requires your patience and insight into knowing what you are capable of giving. It will also require you to not expect anything in return from your child.

Words of affirmation are meant to celebrate your child's greatness without expecting anything in return. If you expect our child to reciprocate what you are saying, then it will change the nature of the interaction from one of unconditional love to conditional love. 

For some additional tips on how to play games with your child, check out this blog post I wrote. 


Thank you for reading and I wish you and your loved one a Happy Valentine's Day! 

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  To check out her latest workshops or courses, click here. 


0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

Death, Divorce, and Loss: How to Discuss Difficult Topics with Children, and Why It’s So Hard

1/8/2024

 
*A Personal Note from Me to You*
​

As I write this post, I realize it may be difficult for some of my readers to read and/or to process as I myself am noticing a sad response my body is experiencing as I write these words. 

And, while I can simply discard this post and talk about things that won’t cause me or you to feel “some kind of way”, I would be doing a disservice to the many children who need us, as parents, to learn how to talk about tough and uncomfortable topics. 
​

Therefore, please be mindful of your feelings as you read the words on my blog this month and if you need to take a break from reading it, go ahead. It will be here when you are ready. 🙂

Death, Divorce, and Loss: How to Discuss Difficult
​Topics with Children, and Why It’s So Hard

As much as we may want it to be, life for our little ones isn’t always perfect. The experience of hardships like divorce, death of a loved one, discrimination, inappropriate touch, etc., is hard to cope with at any age. But, when it is something we find ourselves having to talk about with our young children, we (parents) often can struggle with knowing how and what to say.

Today, we’ll discuss why it can be so hard to talk to our children about these difficult topics, the importance of being mindful of your needs and what you can do to optimize a conversation with your child.


Why is it so much harder with children to talk about difficult topics? 

While some of us are able to discuss these topics with our friends and adult family members with little to no problem – when it comes to broaching the subject with our children, we can feel stuck. 

Why? Well, there are a few reasons:

1). We were never taught how

Often, it’s not about the child’s discomfort discussing these topics vs our own. Many of us simply weren’t taught how to talk about these things, especially topics like death. 

We may have grown up in families where mentioning the word death was avoided. Like when someone's death is referred to them as having "gone to sleep." In other families, death is talked about openly on certain days – like el Dia de los Muertos for many Latin American cultures – but left unaddressed on other days.

All that to say, many of us may have not had role models when it comes to addressing these hard topics with our children in a direct and concrete way.

Death is something, understandably so, that many adults don’t feel comfortable talking about due to the finality of it. This can then create the desire to shield our children from that feeling out of love, compassion and fear. 

2) It brings up our own grief

Aside from not knowing how to talk about these topics, a lot of times we are still grieving ourselves. This is especially true in situations of divorce and death where there can be multiple conflicting emotions involved.

Let's take divorce/separation as an example. Talking with your child about a separation/divorce without a doubt will bring up some grief because at the end of the day, divorce is not just the loss of a relationship but also the loss of the hopes and dreams for a particular union.

For a child, a divorce/separation is the loss of a united presence. A presence they may have known for most/all of their life. A presence that they are likely just learning will no longer be there whereas the parents have probably had more time to adjust to the idea. 

Therefore, talking with your child about this can be even more complicated because it will be challenging to hold space for their new loss as well as your own. 

3). Children have unpredictable responses

Depending on the child’s age, we may not be prepared for the responses they will give us when we share “life-changing” news. Young children especially can be “matter of fact” when it comes to things like loss. And sometimes, their responses will come when we least expect it. 

I’ll never forget the day my family and I were walking with my 4 year old niece, when we saw a dog that looked just like our family pet -Mason - who had recently died.

As we reminisced about our beloved dog and how much we missed him, my niece blatantly blurted out, “Mason is dead” and continued walking as if nothing. We adults, after picking up our jaws, were shocked and confused.  😲 😕

Shocked at the way she seemed “fine” while all of us adults were not fine. It wasn't until later, I learned that her stating this so matter-of-factly was not a reflection of her lack of empathy or sadness but merely a factual understanding of her world at 4 years old.


4) We want our children to be happy

Lastly, perhaps the most “natural” reason why it’s so difficult for us to talk about these things is because we want to protect our children. While we know that the world is not all "rainbows and butterflies" and we can’t protect our children from "bad news" forever – we do strive to protect them from it for as long as possible.

This means that when something painful happens, you might be naturally inclined to avoid the topic with your child. Parents who want to delay telling their children about someone dying or about divorce/separation don’t have malicious intentions – they’re simply trying to protect their child from getting hurt and prevent stirring up their feelings of discomfort.

So, What Can You Do?

Talking with a young, “innocent” child about loss is never going to be easy. I do wish there were some concrete statements I could offer you that would make everything go over smoothly- sort of like those ½ hour shows we used to watch back in the day where everyone is fine by the end of the episode. And, while that is not reality, there are some things I want you to keep in mind that can help you get through these conversations with more preparation and ease.


1) Understand your expectations and triggers

First, it’s most important that you, yourself, are in a good state of mind to talk about whatever topic is troubling for you. If you’re emotionally flooded - meaning you are overwhelmed- then you probably won’t be able to give your child the attention and tailored responses they need.

Understanding the expectations you have for the conversation you are going to talk about is also important. If you are talking about a loved one who has died and are still actively grieving, it is important to know that based on your child's age they may not have the same emotions you do. Knowing this can help prevent unnecessary confusion and anger. 

Understanding your triggers is also vital. For example, if you are talking to your child about an upcoming separation/divorce and instead of sadness from your child, you instead get a child who expresses a desire to be with the other parent -this can not only catch you off guard but also leave you feeling like you have to be on the defense.  

2) Know what works for you and your child

We all process difficult conversations in different ways. Understanding what environment and time of day is ideal for you and your child can help with talking about difficult topics. In other words, when are you the best version of yourself?

For example, I’m not a morning person. Attempt to talk to me before I brush my teeth and have my coffee and we have a problem. ;) Bedtime - also not a great time to bring up heavy conversation for me. My family knows this because I know it. 

Figuring out when you are your best self entails knowing when you are most patient and energetic. Knowing this about your child is also key to making sure you are both ready for a conversation. With children in particular, I would recommend not having tough conversations when they are hungry, tired or sick. 

Where you have these conversations is also important. Do you talk and process things best when you are going for a walk, in the car for a long ride? Depending on your child’s age, the setting can be helpful in making them feel safe. 

When choosing a setting to talk with your child, aim for one that gives you and your child the ability to sit/lay in your lap, cuddle, turn to a stuffie they like, etc. Such options/“creature comforts” can allow a child to soothe any dysregulation they may experience. 

Have more than one child? Depending on their age, conversations about difficult topics may be best had with them separately so that you can address each child's needs and questions directly. A follow up conversation within a family setting can then be conducted. 

3) Learn about child development
​

Lastly, understand your child by learning what is typical brain, emotional and social development. This can give you insight into the best ways to approach heavy topics with them.

I think back to the days when I went to my daughter's pediatric appointments and up until about the age of 4 I would get a printed sheet of normal child milestones. While it was mostly generic, I did find some relief in knowing I had some info to guide me as I was raising my first child.

At the age of 5, however, those print outs stopped. No more guidance. I was left to our yearly checkups and maybe reports from school about what is normal and what is not. And while I love the internet, I also recognize how it can be a wealth of overwhelming information that often makes us parents feel like we are not doing a good enough job. 

Learning about typical child development - both brain and emotional- is something that needs to continue so that YOU can continue be the supportive parent you want to be. And, while you can do your research on the internet, I do recognize the need for many parents to find a reliable, go-to source for information on how to continue to support their child.

Therefore, on February 7th, if you haven’t already heard, I will be teaching parents more about what I've written today.

Join me for a virtual parenting workshop on February 7th to gain a better understanding of your child’s ability to understand concepts like loss and what to know about how to talk with them about difficult topics/events.

This virtual parenting workshop is geared toward parents who have children ages 3-8 and will answer questions related to the best way to talk about “tough stuff”, when to go into detail, when to stay vague, and how to cope with your own big emotions.

The workshop will be on Wednesday, February 7th from 12 to 1 PM – click here for more information and to register.

Hope to see you there, and Happy New Year!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 10 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

Holiday Parenting Tips: 5 Things to Be Mindful of During the Season

12/13/2023

 
PicturePhoto by Nicole Michalou
The holiday season is buzzing with excitement as we prepare for family gatherings, office or school parties, gift exchanges, and the inevitable indulgence in all things sweet. But for parents – especially of younger children – it’s not all joy and cheer. 

The holiday season tends to inevitably bring some stress alongside all of the festivities, and for many families, it can be one of the most stressful times of the year. This is totally normal – we’ve all felt it! – but there are things that we can be mindful of during the holiday season so that the celebrations are as stress and tantrum-free as possible for you this year.

In my last blog of the year, let’s discuss the stress of the holidays for parents of young children, and what to be mindful of so that every family member can have a Happy Holiday.

Why are the holidays stressful for parents?
While the holidays bring warmth and joy, they can also serve up a platter of stress, especially for parents. But what, exactly, can bring stress this time of year? Well, there are a number of things:

1. Pressure for parental perfection: We’ve seen the Pinterest boards and the mommy influencer accounts, and – let’s face it – they can make us all feel terrible about our own homes. The societal expectation for perfect holiday moments can weigh heavily on parents. Striving to create the ideal festive experience for children, coupled with the pressure of social media, can often lead to feelings of inadequacy and stress.

2. The responsibility juggling act: Parents are typically the architects of celebrations like Christmas or Hanukkah. Not only do we need to figure out balancing work, family, and the added responsibilities of creating magical moments, but the pressure to coordinate festivities while maintaining daily routines can become overwhelming. 

3. Strain on the wallet: Parents can also bear the financial burden of gift-giving, decorations, hosting the family meal as well as seasonal activities. Navigating the desire to provide memorable experiences for your children while staying within budget can also add an extra layer of stress for many of us.

4. Family conflict: While family gatherings are a hallmark of the season, they can also be a source of tension – especially if your family isn’t exactly the peaceful type. Navigating different parenting styles, traditions and obligations, and past trauma and difficulties in families can be really stressful, exhausting and anxiety-producing.

5. Tantrums: For most children, the December holidays also come along with a school break. While they’re can be super excited about this, for you as a parent, it can become overwhelmingly stressful. Between managing work schedules, the children being off from school plus trying to enjoy the holiday celebrations, chances are your child has fallen out of their regular routine. This  can mean more tantrums and opposition.

What parents should keep in mind during the holidays
With all the aforementioned stressors that come with the holidays, it doesn't mean life has to be total chaos for the month of December. If you have a young child at home, here are some things to keep in mind for the merriest and least stressful season possible.

Stick to routines
Even amid the holiday hustle, try to maintain your usual morning, afternoon, and evening routines. For the little ones – especially children under 4 years old – consistency is key. Strive to adhere to their normal meal times, and don't forget the importance of carrying snacks with you on those busy days filled with errands and visits. 

Sleep routines are also one of the most important to keep up with. I know it is hard, but try not to let your child skip naps (if they still nap) – and honor their usual bedtime. This applies even to the nights you are celebrating, particularly if you are celebrating for more than one night in a row. 

A well-rested child is less likely to unleash holiday-induced tantrums or be emotional roller coasters.

And getting your child to sleep can help reduce your own stress as a parent, too – personally, I make sure my young one hits the hay within a one to two hour time frame around her usual bedtime. Doing so, then grants me my precious “me time” which is needed even moreso around the holiday season.
 

Stay hydrated and nourished
This isn’t something that many of us think about when it comes to minimizing holiday stress, but it can go a long way. Make sure you and your child(ren) are hydrated and don't get to the point of being hangry! Thirsty or hungry kids are cranky kids. Especially on holiday outings, make sure there’s a sippy cup or water bottle on hand as well as some food to ensure your child is nourished and hydrated. 

Downtime is vital!
As parents, we can sometimes get nervous about “downtime” – periods of time during the day when there is nothing scheduled. Our society can make us feel like we need to have a plan for every minute of our child’s day, especially when they’re on a break from school.

But downtime actually allows for unstructured play, which is beneficial for your child’s development. Whether they choose to play with toys, with friends/cousins/neighbors, or just quietly spend time by themselves, it’s their time to recharge.

So avoid scheduling every minute, and don’t worry about your child having lots of downtime – it’s actually good for them!



1:1 time is important, too
​
During the holiday, we’re often running around and the December chaos can make it easy to forget that one-on-one time with your child is still as important as ever. Yes, your child is out of school, which can make it seem like they’re automatically spending more time with us at home. But, in reality, sometimes we get so consumed with shopping, wrapping, cooking, working, and on and on – that we end up just shuffling the children around. 

Set aside some valuable and dedicated one-on-one time to spend with your child.

Games are a great idea for spending focused time together; you can get a few ideas for what games play with your child that allow you to focus on each other on my blog (
here, here, and here!).



Take care of yourself

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself this holiday season. When we’re stressed and feeling pressured, we aren’t the best parents we can be – and this can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. 

Every tip I’ve given to help with your children, is also needed for you! So be sure to follow all those tips for yourself – take your own “downtime” to disconnect and unwind, get restful sleep, and stay hydrated!

Want more practical parenting tips for children aged 3 to 8? Save the date for my Winter Parent workshop, coming to you in February 2024!

Happy Holidays to all of you – it’s been an honor to walk the parenting journey with you this year. Enjoy the season with your family, and I will see you in 2024!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 10 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

What, Exactly, Does a Registered Play Therapist Do? 7 Answers to Common Questions

11/10/2023

 
PicturePhoto by Yan Krukau
For those of you who are not subscribers or followers, in October 2023, I was credentialed by the Association of Play Therapy as a Registered Play Therapist™ aka RPT™. (Yayyyy!) 

In an effort to spread the word about what a  Registered Play Therapist™ is and what play therapy is I am writing this blog. And, for those of you who may have heard of “play therapy” you may still have some questions about it. Or, maybe this is your first time ever hearing the term.

Below are some quick answers to what an RPT™ is, as well as other common questions parents have about how working with an RPT™ may help their family.

Q1: What does a Registered Play Therapist™ do?

RPTs use play therapy – a form of child therapy – to help children younger than 12 years old process their emotions and experiences in language that makes sense to the child: play. 


Just like you wouldn’t offer therapy in Spanish to someone who only speaks a little bit of English, you wouldn’t offer talk therapy to a child, especially if they are between the ages of 3-8. The main reason for this is that children, especially young children, don’t fully process and verbally communicate their emotions as effective as when they are playing. 

Play therapy is an evidence-based practice for children, which means that peer-reviewed research had and continues to strongly supports its effectiveness in helping children manage their emotions and other mental health challenges.

A Registered Play Therapist needs to go through a rigorous training and supervised experience  process so as to learn how to offer your child a safe sanctuary where your child’s language of play is deeply understood. We also learn about the certain toys and play interventions that strategically help children express their emotions, process experiences, and modify those behaviors that parents and even children themselves find overwhelming. 


Q2: What does a play therapy session look like?

The exact structure of a session varies according to the type of theory being used by the play therapist as well as where they're at in the therapy process. When it comes to what my play therapy sessions entail, here are the general basics: 

  • The initial session is all about helping you, the parent, get to know me and feel comfortable with me. This first session is dedicated to giving you space to tell me all about your child’s situation and get a feel for my style and energy. This session is usually conducted virtually to make it easy on the parent(s) to attend. It is also during this session that the parent(s) is informed more about play therapy and the type of theory/intervention I will likely use with their child during the beginning stages of therapy. How to prepare the child for their first visit to the playroom is also discussed.
 
  • After I’ve met with you, we'll then have your child meet with me, in person, in my playroom. The beginning stages of therapy will be all about developing a trusting relationship with your child. So I generally lean towards allowing the child to “call the shots” on whether or not they come into the playroom or stay in the waiting room, whether their parent comes with them and/or whether I get to play with them or not. The first session is really all about them becoming familiar with the therapy playroom and how it is different than regular playrooms at home/school. I typically will also read a book to the child about what Play therapy is and isn’t. 
​
  • During our sessions thereafter,  I’ll observe how the child plays and the themes that appear in their play to understand how I can support them. For example, I may observe them playing with a dollhouse to understand how they’re experiencing family dynamics. I’ll also use different play therapy techniques to help children work through whatever it is that they’re struggling with. For example, we may use art or kinetic sand to help them express their big emotions.

Q3: I’m worried that my child isn’t doing anything therapeutic, and is just “playing.” How do I know that play therapy is working?

This is a common question parents ask me, and I completely get it especially when you ask your child "What did you talk about or do in therapy" and they respond, "I just played." 

When you aren’t informed about what play therapy is and what its goals are, it’s only natural to think:
My child can play with toys at home. Why would I take them to a therapist’s office to do that?


Something to keep in mind is that play therapy isn’t just about playing – its about uses tools of play for therapeutic healing. 

Here's an analogy you may understand, if you have worked with your own therapist. By now after having worked with your own therapist, you should see how talking to your therapist isn’t the same as talking to your friends. While you’re technically “talking” to both, your psychotherapist intentionally uses these the conversations you have to help guide you on examining yourself,  to identify patterns, deepen self-awareness, challenge dysfunctional thoughts, and more. With your therapist, it really isn’t “just” talking.

Play therapy is like that. Yes, your child plays both at home and during therapy. But during play therapy, I’m using the tools of play to help your child meet their emotional and behavioral goals – whatever those may be.

Another phenomenon that is often occurring during play sessions, is the therapist is reflecting the child's likes and dislikes about the toys they are playing with which gives the child a sense of being seen and heard and helps build their self-esteem. 


In terms of how to tell if it’s working, that is going to involve more than just asking your child. RPTs are constantly observing the child’s behavior and measuring even the smallest amount of changes to see if there’s been progress. This progress is then discussed with parents in different ways depending on the therapist. 

During these discussions, we will know therapy is working when we see a decrease in the behaviors that brought your child into therapy (whether it’s tantrums, negative self-talk, separation anxiety, or something else) and an increase  in their ability to manage their own big emotions.

Q4: Do I (The Parent) Get to Meet With the Therapist Too? 
Yes! As far as I'm concerned, parents are the people who spend the most time with their child, and the person who’s most likely to be able to notice any changes within the child and at home.

Therefore, I don't consider myself an expert on your child, rather a knowledgeable professional about various issues related to children. Since you are the expert, I do require that a child’s parent(s) is involved in therapy too so that we can facilitate change faster than if I was just working with the child. 


Being involved in session, in my practice, entails meeting monthly. You will tell me what struggles and behaviors are happening at home and I will tell you what I observe in the playroom. I also help parents understand where the changes are happening, as well as help build their parenting skills so that at some point, I'm no longer needed because the parent and their child are managing well on their  own.

Q5: How long does play therapy last?
It’s understandable to want to know how long your child will need to be in play therapy. The truth is that I can’t answer this question before meeting with your child and understanding the dynamics of the situation. 

Generally, in my experience, it takes 4 to 8 sessions for a child to really trust me and show me their struggles through play. Usually, by this time, I have a good sense of what they need – as well as what you need as the parent. From there, I then give parents a better sense of how long therapy will last, provided no other issues come up but I can tell you there is no magic number.

For those who want so hard numbers, when doing play therapy, I typically see clients once a week and have worked with children for as little as 4 months to as long as 2 years. It really all depends on the child’s needs as well as other factors. 

Q6: What should I tell my child about play therapy? 

The truth is that – unfortunately – therapy still has a pretty high level of stigma attached to it, despite how far we’ve come in mental health awareness. Part of reducing that stigma is to tell your child about therapy just like you would tell them about any other health appointment. Short and sweet. 

I often encourage the parent(s) I work with to tell their child that coming to play therapy is like going to their pediatrician when they have a bad cold, only the play therapist will not give them any shots or medicine. Coming to play therapy is about figuring out how to manage the big emotions that sometimes take over and make the child feel bad. The therapist is there to help the child learn what is bothering them and how to deal with it. Tailored responses for what to say to your child is usually provide during our initial parent session. 

Q7: What if we don’t like the Play therapist?
Building a trusting relationship with your therapist is key to success, so this is a valid question. What happens if you, or your child, don’t like the play therapist?

This is why I offer parents to meet with me first and then I meet with the child. During this first meeting, you can get a sense for me and how I work and whether you think I would be a good fit for your child. Remember - you are the expert! 

If we move ahead with your child coming in to meet me, I will then spend time playing and building trust with your child. I can say that 99.9% of the time, children leave that first session with me asking when they can come back and talking about how they liked the playroom. Granted, I’m not everyone’s “cup of tea” but that is what makes therapy so special. It is all about connection. No connection = no trust = no progress. 


Overall, with my experience of working with various ages, connecting with children ages 3 to 8 has never been an issue for me because it’s where I thrive! But, if your child or you don’t connect with me or another therapist, then you definitely have the right to decide whether or not to move forward and if you are working with me, I'm more than happy to help find you someone you can connect with. 

Do you still have other questions about what a Registered Play Therapist™ does and what play therapy looks like? I’d love to hear from you – please shoot me an email!

Learn more about play therapy and online parent support groups!

I also offer a few different support groups and workshops for parents. Currently, I’m enrolling for my Single Moms Support Group for Women of Color, designed specifically for single moms who identify as a women of color and want to connect with other moms who understand the struggles of raising children in a single-parent household and want to raise their children differently than how they were raised. Learn more about this group here – seats are limited!

And, in February of 2024, I’ll also be running another Workshop – registration coming soon! 

I hope to see you at one of those places soon. As always, thank you for reading!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 10 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. 

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

Dealing With Tantrums as a Single Parent: Why Is It So Hard?

10/16/2023

 
PicturePhoto by August de Richelieu on Pexels
No parent enjoys dealing with temper tantrums. Especially when they happen in public. These meltdowns can be frustrating, embarrassing, and sometimes even infuriating. These feelings are totally valid for any parent. We’ve all felt it!

But when you’re a single parent, you might find these tantrums even more difficult to deal with. You might feel completely overwhelmed when this happens. You might see your coupled parent friends stay cool and collected during these meltdowns, and feel ashamed that you find it hard to.

Let me tell you something: there is nothing to be ashamed of. Tantrums are often – objectively – a lot harder to deal with when you’re parenting alone… just like most everything else is harder to deal with when you’re parenting alone. The frustration and potential insecurity you’re feeling is real. 

In today’s blog, I have some tips for all single parents out there who might be struggling with temper tantrums. But first, let’s talk more about this unique experience and why it’s so… hard to deal with!

4 reasons why tantrums are especially hard to deal with when you’re a single parent

There are some very specific reasons why tantrums are often harder to deal with when you’re a single parent than when you’re parenting as part of a team. Obviously, most parts of single parenting are more challenging, but tantrums can be especially upsetting because:


  1. You feel like your child has tantrums with you because they aren’t held to the same standards and rules when they’re with your ex. When your child returns from the other parent's (or another adult’s) house and has a tantrum because of this, it can feel like you’re constantly starting from square one. And that feeling of resentment and frustration toward your ex makes the whole experience a lot more challenging.
  2. You feel guilty for having to be the “bad cop”. Maybe your child returns from spending time with your ex or a grandparent who doesn’t hold them to the same standards. They have a temper tantrum when they come home because you do have firm boundaries and rules (something, by the way, that’s an important and necessary part of parenting!). It’s completely natural for you to feel guilty for not giving your child what they want, when they want – even if you know that that’s not really what children need. You shouldn’t ever have to feel guilty for doing what’s best for your child, but single parents can often feel this way.
  3. Your child says something that’s like a dagger to your heart. We’ve all been there. Your child might yell at you, “But dad/mom said I could!!”;“I hate being here. I want to go back to Grandma’s house!” or, the dreaded: “I hate you!”. Even though you know that your child is only saying these things because they’re upset, it can still be heartbreaking to hear. And, depending on where we are at emotionally, it can be hard to think logically about it. Especially when you’re a single parent who may already have doubts about your abilities (P.S. In case you need to hear it, you’re doing a great job. 🩶)
  4. You start to have doubts about your decision to be a single parent in the first place. For example, you may have gotten out of a toxic partnership/marriage, which led you to be a single parent. Although you might understand that this was the best decision for you and your child, in the heated moment of a tantrum you might start to think: Why did I do this to myself? This can add a layer of emotional pain to dealing with your child’s tantrums.

How to manage tantrums as a single parent

Tantrums are one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent, but these tips might help.

As a single parent, the way you manage your child’s tantrums can look a bit different than it does for co-parents. This is especially true if you feel like you’re being undermined by someone else (whether that’s your ex or another adult in your child’s life).

Don’t lose hope! Even if you feel like you’re starting over with your child again and again, the important thing is that you can meet your child’s needs in the moment while still protecting your sanity.

Understand what tantrums are
​

At their root, temper tantrums are your child’s way of expressing that their needs aren’t being met. It can be helpful to try to figure out what that need is. Of course, they think that their “need” is to get the new toy, more time at the park, more table time, and so on. But what they truly need deep down probably looks a lot different.

For example, do they need to be reassured of your love for them? Do they need to rest? Are they hungry or sad? Are they overwhelmed with the back and forth? Or maybe they’re trying to figure out where exactly your limits are, because they’ve experienced different adults having very different limits with them?

Whatever the underlying need is, try to address it – or at least see it. This can make tantrums feel a lot less personal.



Understand your own baggage

We all have baggage whether we know it or not. By baggage, I mean any past experiences or emotions that come up for us on our parenting journey. For example, many of us have baggage from the way we were parented. Or we might have leftover baggage from a former relationship with our child’s other parent. Or we might simply be insecure about our own ability to parent (we’ve all been there!).

Whatever these triggers are for you, understanding how they come up when your child is having a tantrum can go a long way. What are you bringing to the interaction? Just being aware of these things is very powerful.

For example, perhaps you feel (understandably) triggered when your child says that they’d rather be at their other parent’s house because “They let me do whatever I want!”. This baggage might lead you to feel totally helpless and angry, which can get in the way of really being able to deal with your child’s immediate emotional needs.

Be consistent

Unfortunately, you may not have much control over what happens in other places where your child spends time. But it’s important to stay consistent when your child is with you. Even if they’re having a temper tantrum, remind them of the rules. Consistency is predictability, and predictability is safety. Try not to feel guilty about it – understand this guilt as part of the “baggage” that you might be bringing to the interaction (see above!). 

To remind them of the rules you can try saying something like, “I hear and see that you’re angry that I’m saying no. Even though you might be allowed to do this at your dad’s/mom’s, the rules are different here. I love you and I’m here to help you feel more calm when you’re ready.”

Take a breath

I've talked about this before, and that’s because it really works. Breathing deeply, into your diaphragm, shuts down your body’s stress response. It helps you get out of fight-or-flight mode and think more clearly about how to respond to your child’s tantrum.

It’s really hard to do in the moment – a child’s temper tantrum is probably one of the most immediately stress-inducing things that parents can experience – but when we react while we’re in fight-or-flight, we can make decisions in the heat of the moment that aren’t reflective of the type of parent we want to be.

So, breathe into your belly for 4 counts. Hold your breath for 4. And exhale, slowly, for 4 counts. Try this a few times. You should notice feeling less agitated and hopefully more calm.

Not working? This is the hardest part because it may not work when you try it the first time so…Practice, Practice, Practice whenever you feel frustrated with anything, not just your child’s tantrums. With practice, you will get better. 


I’m here to help! Virtual support groups and programs for parents

Do you want to learn more about temper tantrums and how to handle them? I’m offering a FREE online workshop on Wednesday, October 18th for parents of children aged 3 to 8 who want to learn how to:

  • Decrease meltdowns and opposition
  • Manage bossy and demanding children
  • Reduce aggressive outbursts
  • And more!

Register here – I’d love to see you!

If you’re looking for more in-depth support, I also offer a virtual support group for Single Moms of Color. Space is limited, so get in touch with me today if you’re interested in joining us.

Thanks for reading, and see you next month.

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

What Do I Do When My Child Has a Tantrum – In Public?

9/14/2023

 
PicturePhoto by Nicola Barts
Every parent has been through it at some point or another. You're at the store or the park. Your child decides that they want something – or maybe they just want to leave. They’re upset. You've been working with them to help them express their feelings in a different way, but they're still learning and adjusting. And, in this moment, they’ve decided to express their feelings in the loudest, most noticeable way possible. :0

So what should you, as a parent, do when your child is having a public meltdown? Here are some of my thoughts that I’d like to share. 

Why are public tantrums so hard to deal with?

Emotional outbursts or tantrums are hard enough to deal with at home, but when you’re in public, it can become even more frustrating and harder to deal with.

For a toddler, having a tantrum may look like throwing themselves on the ground while kicking, screaming and crying. The good thing about having a little one is that – well, they’re little – so you're more than likely able to pick them up and move on before things get too out of hand.


For children 4 to 6 years old, their tantrums may look the same, but they're physically bigger. Meaning, their tantrums have a lot more umph and strength to them. It also means that it may be harder to pick them up or physically remove them from the situation. 


For school-age children between 7  and 9 they typically don’t throw themselves on the ground anymore, which is great! But, as you already know if you're a parent of a child this age, that doesn't mean they're not going to find a way to show you how upset they are. 

Their tantrums can look more like them crossing their arms, rolling their eyes, or using other non-verbal communication to let you know exactly who (they think) is in charge. Chances are, they will also have a “look” on their face.

And, because of their age, weight and height, you more than likely can't get them to budge. Let’s not also forget about the verbal statements that they are probably sending your way which can sound accusatory, insulting and straight up disrespectful. 


Often, parents tell me - and I've experienced it for myself, too – that the worst part of public tantrums isn't the child themselves. Yes, tantrums can be annoying and frustrating. But the worst part, for many parents, is the judgment you feel radiating off of everyone around you.


This judgment can be real or perceived. Meaning that sometimes, it's actually happening. People around you may be staring at you as you struggle with your child. They may even make unnecessary, and unkind, comments. Some may even try to help you -  rare but it can happens.


But sometimes, it's perceived judgment – meaning that you may be imagining judgment when it's not really there. And this is completely natural: All parents worry about how their parenting is viewed by other people. It doesn't help that everyone seems to have an opinion on parenting, whether they're parents themselves or not.


Whether it's real or perceived doesn't really matter. What matters is that you feel judged and maybe even helpless and hopeless. And that is what makes public tantrums even harder to deal with than they already are.

When you feel/perceive all those eyes on you, it starts to feel impossible to focus on what's going on in front of you: Your child needs your support and guidance.



It's also in these moments where you might feel an internal struggle going on. On one side, you feel the pressure of all of these eyes on you. You might feel an intense pressure to “get your child in line” because that's what you feel society expects of you as a parent. And in many cases, we often think about what our own parents would expect of us when disciplining our child.  


And on the other side, there's a part of you that realizes that’s not what your child needs. They don't need to be shut up and brought in line. They need you to help them manage their disappointment, sadness, crankiness, etc. And I’m sure, if you are a reader of my blog or a parent I work with, that you already know that. 


But, in these moments, it so hard to stay true to your values and wishes for your child, when you believe the world around you is judging you and all of those inner voices, that represent your stern upbringing, are telling you how to “handle” this situation.

I just want to say that this is all completely natural to feel; we all have been there and we’ve all felt the same way.

Steps to take when your child is having a public tantrum

Here's how to ride through those feelings and get embarrassment or shame out of the way so that you can tend to your child in the way they need.

Step 1: Take a breath
We've all been told to “Take a breath” when we've been upset, and we all know that this advice, in a heated moment, isn't really helpful. But try to remember that breathing truly is necessary in these moments to get grounded and centered.

It's actually all based in science.

Breathing regularly and deeply – into the diaphragm – regulates our nervous system. When you’re under all that pressure and your child is kicking and screaming, you're probably in your stress response, also known as fight-or-flight mode. 


This stress response can help us deal with things that require immediate attention – think powerful moms lifting cars off their children - but when you need to think rationally about how to respond, it can really get in the way.

Just by adjusting your breathing, you're able to shut the stress response down. Your sympathetic nervous system – the one that's responsible for releasing those stress hormones – realizes it isn’t needed. Breathing in this way induces the body’s relaxation response. This helps you think more clearly because your brain is no longer flooded with stress hormones.

If you're new to deep breathing, check out this YouTube video. I think it does a great job of explaining why it's important and guides you through a simple activity.


Step 2: Remember this is a child

Often, the fact that your child is causing a scene in public makes us feel so embarrassed that we completely forget that this is a child we’re dealing with.

Children get upset and have tantrums. That’s what they do.

They might be learning how to express their emotions using their words, but they're never going to get it in the same way that adults do. That's why they're children. That's why we're responsible for teaching them these important life skills.


Children’s brains are nowhere near reaching full development. Specifically, they haven't yet developed their pre-frontal cortex, which is the area of the brain that's responsible for self-control. In fact, the adult brain doesn't fully develop until age 25.

As self-aware as a child may be, it would be unfair to ever expect them to behave like an adult does. And, as we all know, even adults have trouble regulating their feelings sometimes.

So the next time this happens, try to remember that your child is behaving accordingly for their brain development.

If you are interested in learning more about brain development, here’s a great resource, available in both English and Spanish!

Step 3: Forget the haters 

Last but definitely not least, it’s important to address your own feelings of shame and maybe even guilt.

No one likes feeling judged in public, and there’s an extra layer of hurt and shame when your child is involved. But when your shame or guilt is leading the way, it’s hard to stay calm and centered.

Shame can sound like, “What kind of parent am I if I can’t control my own child?”

Guilt can sound like, “I’m such a bad parent. I knew I should have not brought my child out today but I did anyway.”


Try to also remember that if people are watching you struggle with your child, they’re most likely just curious about how you are going to handle the situation.

Should they look away and ignore you? Should they try to help? It’s hard to know exactly what to do when a child is upset.

I’m sure you have been out and about as a parent yourself and have seen another child tantrum too. Did your heart go out to that parent? Were you glad that wasn’t you? Were you also curious how they were going to handle it? Our own judgmental part may even show up if we believe we would be handling differently. 


The point is, what others think of you is not your problem because you know what, you probably won’t see them again.

What is your problem and what is important is your child and your own mental well-being.


For additional insight on how to manage behavior that you feel is manipulative, check out this blog I wrote. 

And, in case you haven’t heard, I’m going to be hosting a free online workshop to help parents of children aged 3 to 8. I'll address tantrums, talking back, and other behaviors that make parenting stressful and draining. Register here!

Virtual support groups for parents

The issues I mentioned above are common issues that all parents struggle with – but many parents don’t know that because they don’t have opportunities to talk openly about these feelings.

If you’d like a nonjudgmental space to discuss the joys and hardships of parenting, if you struggle with feelings of shame, or you’re simply looking for more support on your parenting journey, then check out my
online support groups. 


As always, thanks for reading. If you want to get realistic parenting advice delivered straight to your inbox, scroll down and subscribe!

​I would also love it if you shared this with another parent. 

0 Comments
Read More
Back to Blog

Helping Children Cope With Common Back-To-School Feelings: Tips for Parents

8/22/2023

 
PicturePhoto by RDNE Stock project
It’s back-to-school season for most of us parents, and that means a lot of things: changing routines, separation anxiety, overexcitement, and sleepiness.

Young children can go through so many different emotions when they’re going back to school. You might think it isn’t a big deal to them after their first year – but for most of our little ones, this couldn’t be further from the truth! Just like you are probably going through mixed emotions at this time of year – your child likely does, too.

In today’s blog, I want to talk about what children may feel when going back to school (and why), and how we, as parents, can support them in managing these big feelings.

Common feelings for elementary school children to experience include:

  • Anxiety - There are so many changes and new things to learn about on the first day of school. Who will be in my class? Who will my teacher/classmates be? Will my teacher/classmates be nice or mean? What if I don’t like them – or they don’t like me? These are just a few of the thoughts that children could be having, even if they can’t or don't quite verbalize it. And, to be honest, it’s completely understandable – as a parent to a 1st grader, I do have some of these same thoughts/concerns. Change is hard for all of us.
 
  • Fear - Sometimes anxiety could go a step further and become fear. Your child could be truly frightened about about the worries we mentioned above. They could also have legitimate fears about school violence or bullying. This can especially be true if they’ve had negative experiences in the past. 
​
  • Excitement - Many children feel anticipation or excitement leading up to the first day of school. They could be excited to see their friends or to meet their new teacher. Remember that feeling excited doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for other feelings, too; excitement and anxiety (or any other feeling) can coexist.
​
  • Exhaustion - Your child could also just feel physically and emotionally exhausted leading up to the first day of school. Their summer routines are changing, and their sleep schedules are probably changing too. Waking up early again is a challenge for many children and can lead to fatigue which can lead to opposition and resistance.

Anything that your child may be feeling right now is okay – there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to feel. 

How can you help your child(ren) cope with back-to-school feelings

There are healthy ways that you, as a parent, can help your child deal with any big feelings they might be having about going back to school. Your child is probably feeling a lot of different emotions at once, and you can help them to pick these big feelings apart and start identifying and naming them, one by one.

For example, if you notice that your child cries every time you talk about the first day of school, you might name and reflect the feeling for them: “I think that you’re maybe feeling scared and sad about school. Is that how you’re feeling?” Preschoolers might be too young for complex feelings words, but they can usually understand the basics like “scared” or “sad.”

Once you’ve helped them identify how they’re feeling, try some of these tips to help them get through it.

Helping your child with back-to-school anxiety and fear


If your child is feeling anxious about going back to school, try not to feel overwhelmed. So many of us, as parents, have been through separation anxiety and tantrums during drop on the first day (or weeks!) of school. It can be so painful to see your baby go through this, but there are some things you can do to help ease the anxiety leading up to the big day.

First, find ways to reassure your child in ways that aren’t invalidating. This can be a hard balance; the key is to validate their feelings. Don’t dismiss their feelings, but also don’t forget to communicate your confidence in them.

For example, don’t say: “Don’t be scared; there’s no reason to be.” Your child could experience this as invalidating.

Instead, recognize your child’s fear  by saying something like, “I know you’re so scared because you’re nervous about _____ (fill in the blank). A
nd that’s okay. These things can be scary sometimes. But you know what? I believe in you with all my heart. I know that you’re going to do the best you can and I believe you will end up having a great time and make lots of friends.” This validates while still communicating confidence.

You may also want to include your child in back-to-school shopping. Invite them to pick out something special – like a pencil box or an eraser – that they can take with them on their first day. In the therapy world, we call items like this transitional objects. Your child can’t be with you when they’re at school, but they will have this special item to connect them with you and the safety of home.

Helping your child with back-to-school exhaustion
The best way to deal with fatigue or exhaustion when going back to school is to start preparing for the routine changes before their first day. Instead of trying to get your child out of bed on time on their first day back at school, start building schedules and routines a week or two earlier. That way, when their first day comes around, they’ll already be used to the new schedule and – hopefully – not as exhausted.

For example, start your child on a bedtime routine if they’ve moved away from strict bedtimes during the summer break. Add lots of things into the routine that help them wind down; activities like snack-time, changing into their pj's, brushing their teeth and reading a book together or telling stories to each other while in bed. These are just a few activities before bedtime that send the signal it is time to wind down. 

For more tips on creating a schedule for your child, check out my other blog post. 

Getting back into routines will not only help with exhaustion and sleepiness, but it can also help reduce anxiety. Routines build stability and predictability; when children know what to expect, they feel safe.

What if my child just seems excited?
Many children feel excited to go back to school. There’s a lot to be excited about, from seeing their friends again to learning about their favorite subjects.

If your child is excited for the first day of school, celebrate and lean into it! Enjoy the anticipation and share the excitement with your child. 

Sometimes, though, too much excitement can start to get annoying – as all parents of young children know! For example, maybe your child asks you repeatedly and constantly, “How many more days until the first day of school?” If you find yourself getting annoyed by the incessant and repetitive questioning – totally understandable. My recommendation, try to turn it into a teachable moment.

For example, you could get a visual countdown of days – or even a calendar, depending on how old your child is – and teach your child how to use it to find their own answer to their question.

Online support groups for parents in New Jersey and New York
Sometimes the tips I mention above just don't work out the way they should and parents often find themselves needing more support. If you find yourself struggling with back-to-school or any part of parenting, I have many different support options that can help. 

For dads, I facilitate a virtual support group for fathers who live in New Jersey or New York and who have children newborn-8 year old's. Our next meeting is schedule for Friday, Sept 15 at 10 am. To learn more click here. To let me know you are interested, send me an email at [email protected] 

I also facilitate a Single Moms support group for women of Color. I have one more spot left in the Mom’s group so contact me today if you are interested! Our next meeting is September 16th at 9:15 am. 

Lastly, I'm going to host a FREE online workshop in October for parents who want to learn how to manage their child's tantrums and meltdowns. To learn more and sign up  click here. 


Thank you for reading and I wish you all a successful and stress-free back-to-school!

0 Comments
Read More
<<Previous
Forward>>
This Site is not intended to provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by individuals in search of general information of interest pertaining to anxiety, depression and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.
Photos from soekfoto, Thales, Pawel Pacholec, lisabirtch, Mickey JT, Muffet, apparena, aresauburn™, Minette Layne, die.tine, A Gude, stephcarter, Kathy McGraw, srqpix, sun sand & sea, photogirl7.1, W J (Bill) Harrison, srluke, catlovers, bernhard.friess, redagainPatti, soekfoto, tdlucas5000