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 Photo by August de Richelieu on Pexels No parent enjoys dealing with temper tantrums. Especially when they happen in public. These meltdowns can be frustrating, embarrassing, and sometimes even infuriating. These feelings are totally valid for any parent. We’ve all felt it!
But when you’re a single parent, you might find these tantrums even more difficult to deal with. You might feel completely overwhelmed when this happens. You might see your coupled parent friends stay cool and collected during these meltdowns, and feel ashamed that you find it hard to. Let me tell you something: there is nothing to be ashamed of. Tantrums are often – objectively – a lot harder to deal with when you’re parenting alone… just like most everything else is harder to deal with when you’re parenting alone. The frustration and potential insecurity you’re feeling is real. In today’s blog, I have some tips for all single parents out there who might be struggling with temper tantrums. But first, let’s talk more about this unique experience and why it’s so… hard to deal with! 4 reasons why tantrums are especially hard to deal with when you’re a single parent There are some very specific reasons why tantrums are often harder to deal with when you’re a single parent than when you’re parenting as part of a team. Obviously, most parts of single parenting are more challenging, but tantrums can be especially upsetting because:
How to manage tantrums as a single parent Tantrums are one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent, but these tips might help. As a single parent, the way you manage your child’s tantrums can look a bit different than it does for co-parents. This is especially true if you feel like you’re being undermined by someone else (whether that’s your ex or another adult in your child’s life). Don’t lose hope! Even if you feel like you’re starting over with your child again and again, the important thing is that you can meet your child’s needs in the moment while still protecting your sanity. Understand what tantrums are At their root, temper tantrums are your child’s way of expressing that their needs aren’t being met. It can be helpful to try to figure out what that need is. Of course, they think that their “need” is to get the new toy, more time at the park, more table time, and so on. But what they truly need deep down probably looks a lot different. For example, do they need to be reassured of your love for them? Do they need to rest? Are they hungry or sad? Are they overwhelmed with the back and forth? Or maybe they’re trying to figure out where exactly your limits are, because they’ve experienced different adults having very different limits with them? Whatever the underlying need is, try to address it – or at least see it. This can make tantrums feel a lot less personal. Understand your own baggage We all have baggage whether we know it or not. By baggage, I mean any past experiences or emotions that come up for us on our parenting journey. For example, many of us have baggage from the way we were parented. Or we might have leftover baggage from a former relationship with our child’s other parent. Or we might simply be insecure about our own ability to parent (we’ve all been there!). Whatever these triggers are for you, understanding how they come up when your child is having a tantrum can go a long way. What are you bringing to the interaction? Just being aware of these things is very powerful. For example, perhaps you feel (understandably) triggered when your child says that they’d rather be at their other parent’s house because “They let me do whatever I want!”. This baggage might lead you to feel totally helpless and angry, which can get in the way of really being able to deal with your child’s immediate emotional needs. Be consistent Unfortunately, you may not have much control over what happens in other places where your child spends time. But it’s important to stay consistent when your child is with you. Even if they’re having a temper tantrum, remind them of the rules. Consistency is predictability, and predictability is safety. Try not to feel guilty about it – understand this guilt as part of the “baggage” that you might be bringing to the interaction (see above!). To remind them of the rules you can try saying something like, “I hear and see that you’re angry that I’m saying no. Even though you might be allowed to do this at your dad’s/mom’s, the rules are different here. I love you and I’m here to help you feel more calm when you’re ready.” Take a breath I've talked about this before, and that’s because it really works. Breathing deeply, into your diaphragm, shuts down your body’s stress response. It helps you get out of fight-or-flight mode and think more clearly about how to respond to your child’s tantrum. It’s really hard to do in the moment – a child’s temper tantrum is probably one of the most immediately stress-inducing things that parents can experience – but when we react while we’re in fight-or-flight, we can make decisions in the heat of the moment that aren’t reflective of the type of parent we want to be. So, breathe into your belly for 4 counts. Hold your breath for 4. And exhale, slowly, for 4 counts. Try this a few times. You should notice feeling less agitated and hopefully more calm. Not working? This is the hardest part because it may not work when you try it the first time so…Practice, Practice, Practice whenever you feel frustrated with anything, not just your child’s tantrums. With practice, you will get better. I’m here to help! Virtual support groups and programs for parents Do you want to learn more about temper tantrums and how to handle them? I’m offering a FREE online workshop on Wednesday, October 18th for parents of children aged 3 to 8 who want to learn how to:
Register here – I’d love to see you! If you’re looking for more in-depth support, I also offer a virtual support group for Single Moms of Color. Space is limited, so get in touch with me today if you’re interested in joining us. Thanks for reading, and see you next month.
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 Photo by Nicola Barts Every parent has been through it at some point or another. You're at the store or the park. Your child decides that they want something – or maybe they just want to leave. They’re upset. You've been working with them to help them express their feelings in a different way, but they're still learning and adjusting. And, in this moment, they’ve decided to express their feelings in the loudest, most noticeable way possible. :0 So what should you, as a parent, do when your child is having a public meltdown? Here are some of my thoughts that I’d like to share. Why are public tantrums so hard to deal with? Emotional outbursts or tantrums are hard enough to deal with at home, but when you’re in public, it can become even more frustrating and harder to deal with. For a toddler, having a tantrum may look like throwing themselves on the ground while kicking, screaming and crying. The good thing about having a little one is that – well, they’re little – so you're more than likely able to pick them up and move on before things get too out of hand. For children 4 to 6 years old, their tantrums may look the same, but they're physically bigger. Meaning, their tantrums have a lot more umph and strength to them. It also means that it may be harder to pick them up or physically remove them from the situation. For school-age children between 7 and 9 they typically don’t throw themselves on the ground anymore, which is great! But, as you already know if you're a parent of a child this age, that doesn't mean they're not going to find a way to show you how upset they are. Their tantrums can look more like them crossing their arms, rolling their eyes, or using other non-verbal communication to let you know exactly who (they think) is in charge. Chances are, they will also have a “look” on their face. And, because of their age, weight and height, you more than likely can't get them to budge. Let’s not also forget about the verbal statements that they are probably sending your way which can sound accusatory, insulting and straight up disrespectful. Often, parents tell me - and I've experienced it for myself, too – that the worst part of public tantrums isn't the child themselves. Yes, tantrums can be annoying and frustrating. But the worst part, for many parents, is the judgment you feel radiating off of everyone around you. This judgment can be real or perceived. Meaning that sometimes, it's actually happening. People around you may be staring at you as you struggle with your child. They may even make unnecessary, and unkind, comments. Some may even try to help you - rare but it can happens. But sometimes, it's perceived judgment – meaning that you may be imagining judgment when it's not really there. And this is completely natural: All parents worry about how their parenting is viewed by other people. It doesn't help that everyone seems to have an opinion on parenting, whether they're parents themselves or not. Whether it's real or perceived doesn't really matter. What matters is that you feel judged and maybe even helpless and hopeless. And that is what makes public tantrums even harder to deal with than they already are. When you feel/perceive all those eyes on you, it starts to feel impossible to focus on what's going on in front of you: Your child needs your support and guidance. It's also in these moments where you might feel an internal struggle going on. On one side, you feel the pressure of all of these eyes on you. You might feel an intense pressure to “get your child in line” because that's what you feel society expects of you as a parent. And in many cases, we often think about what our own parents would expect of us when disciplining our child. And on the other side, there's a part of you that realizes that’s not what your child needs. They don't need to be shut up and brought in line. They need you to help them manage their disappointment, sadness, crankiness, etc. And I’m sure, if you are a reader of my blog or a parent I work with, that you already know that. But, in these moments, it so hard to stay true to your values and wishes for your child, when you believe the world around you is judging you and all of those inner voices, that represent your stern upbringing, are telling you how to “handle” this situation. I just want to say that this is all completely natural to feel; we all have been there and we’ve all felt the same way. Steps to take when your child is having a public tantrum Here's how to ride through those feelings and get embarrassment or shame out of the way so that you can tend to your child in the way they need. Step 1: Take a breath We've all been told to “Take a breath” when we've been upset, and we all know that this advice, in a heated moment, isn't really helpful. But try to remember that breathing truly is necessary in these moments to get grounded and centered. It's actually all based in science. Breathing regularly and deeply – into the diaphragm – regulates our nervous system. When you’re under all that pressure and your child is kicking and screaming, you're probably in your stress response, also known as fight-or-flight mode. This stress response can help us deal with things that require immediate attention – think powerful moms lifting cars off their children - but when you need to think rationally about how to respond, it can really get in the way. Just by adjusting your breathing, you're able to shut the stress response down. Your sympathetic nervous system – the one that's responsible for releasing those stress hormones – realizes it isn’t needed. Breathing in this way induces the body’s relaxation response. This helps you think more clearly because your brain is no longer flooded with stress hormones. If you're new to deep breathing, check out this YouTube video. I think it does a great job of explaining why it's important and guides you through a simple activity. Step 2: Remember this is a child Often, the fact that your child is causing a scene in public makes us feel so embarrassed that we completely forget that this is a child we’re dealing with. Children get upset and have tantrums. That’s what they do. They might be learning how to express their emotions using their words, but they're never going to get it in the same way that adults do. That's why they're children. That's why we're responsible for teaching them these important life skills. Children’s brains are nowhere near reaching full development. Specifically, they haven't yet developed their pre-frontal cortex, which is the area of the brain that's responsible for self-control. In fact, the adult brain doesn't fully develop until age 25. As self-aware as a child may be, it would be unfair to ever expect them to behave like an adult does. And, as we all know, even adults have trouble regulating their feelings sometimes. So the next time this happens, try to remember that your child is behaving accordingly for their brain development. If you are interested in learning more about brain development, here’s a great resource, available in both English and Spanish! Step 3: Forget the haters Last but definitely not least, it’s important to address your own feelings of shame and maybe even guilt. No one likes feeling judged in public, and there’s an extra layer of hurt and shame when your child is involved. But when your shame or guilt is leading the way, it’s hard to stay calm and centered. Shame can sound like, “What kind of parent am I if I can’t control my own child?” Guilt can sound like, “I’m such a bad parent. I knew I should have not brought my child out today but I did anyway.” Try to also remember that if people are watching you struggle with your child, they’re most likely just curious about how you are going to handle the situation. Should they look away and ignore you? Should they try to help? It’s hard to know exactly what to do when a child is upset. I’m sure you have been out and about as a parent yourself and have seen another child tantrum too. Did your heart go out to that parent? Were you glad that wasn’t you? Were you also curious how they were going to handle it? Our own judgmental part may even show up if we believe we would be handling differently. The point is, what others think of you is not your problem because you know what, you probably won’t see them again. What is your problem and what is important is your child and your own mental well-being. For additional insight on how to manage behavior that you feel is manipulative, check out this blog I wrote. And, in case you haven’t heard, I’m going to be hosting a free online workshop to help parents of children aged 3 to 8. I'll address tantrums, talking back, and other behaviors that make parenting stressful and draining. Register here! Virtual support groups for parents The issues I mentioned above are common issues that all parents struggle with – but many parents don’t know that because they don’t have opportunities to talk openly about these feelings. If you’d like a nonjudgmental space to discuss the joys and hardships of parenting, if you struggle with feelings of shame, or you’re simply looking for more support on your parenting journey, then check out my online support groups. As always, thanks for reading. If you want to get realistic parenting advice delivered straight to your inbox, scroll down and subscribe! I would also love it if you shared this with another parent.
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 Photo by RDNE Stock project It’s back-to-school season for most of us parents, and that means a lot of things: changing routines, separation anxiety, overexcitement, and sleepiness.
Young children can go through so many different emotions when they’re going back to school. You might think it isn’t a big deal to them after their first year – but for most of our little ones, this couldn’t be further from the truth! Just like you are probably going through mixed emotions at this time of year – your child likely does, too. In today’s blog, I want to talk about what children may feel when going back to school (and why), and how we, as parents, can support them in managing these big feelings. Common feelings for elementary school children to experience include:
Anything that your child may be feeling right now is okay – there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to feel. How can you help your child(ren) cope with back-to-school feelings There are healthy ways that you, as a parent, can help your child deal with any big feelings they might be having about going back to school. Your child is probably feeling a lot of different emotions at once, and you can help them to pick these big feelings apart and start identifying and naming them, one by one. For example, if you notice that your child cries every time you talk about the first day of school, you might name and reflect the feeling for them: “I think that you’re maybe feeling scared and sad about school. Is that how you’re feeling?” Preschoolers might be too young for complex feelings words, but they can usually understand the basics like “scared” or “sad.” Once you’ve helped them identify how they’re feeling, try some of these tips to help them get through it. Helping your child with back-to-school anxiety and fear If your child is feeling anxious about going back to school, try not to feel overwhelmed. So many of us, as parents, have been through separation anxiety and tantrums during drop on the first day (or weeks!) of school. It can be so painful to see your baby go through this, but there are some things you can do to help ease the anxiety leading up to the big day. First, find ways to reassure your child in ways that aren’t invalidating. This can be a hard balance; the key is to validate their feelings. Don’t dismiss their feelings, but also don’t forget to communicate your confidence in them. For example, don’t say: “Don’t be scared; there’s no reason to be.” Your child could experience this as invalidating. Instead, recognize your child’s fear by saying something like, “I know you’re so scared because you’re nervous about _____ (fill in the blank). And that’s okay. These things can be scary sometimes. But you know what? I believe in you with all my heart. I know that you’re going to do the best you can and I believe you will end up having a great time and make lots of friends.” This validates while still communicating confidence. You may also want to include your child in back-to-school shopping. Invite them to pick out something special – like a pencil box or an eraser – that they can take with them on their first day. In the therapy world, we call items like this transitional objects. Your child can’t be with you when they’re at school, but they will have this special item to connect them with you and the safety of home. Helping your child with back-to-school exhaustion The best way to deal with fatigue or exhaustion when going back to school is to start preparing for the routine changes before their first day. Instead of trying to get your child out of bed on time on their first day back at school, start building schedules and routines a week or two earlier. That way, when their first day comes around, they’ll already be used to the new schedule and – hopefully – not as exhausted. For example, start your child on a bedtime routine if they’ve moved away from strict bedtimes during the summer break. Add lots of things into the routine that help them wind down; activities like snack-time, changing into their pj's, brushing their teeth and reading a book together or telling stories to each other while in bed. These are just a few activities before bedtime that send the signal it is time to wind down. For more tips on creating a schedule for your child, check out my other blog post. Getting back into routines will not only help with exhaustion and sleepiness, but it can also help reduce anxiety. Routines build stability and predictability; when children know what to expect, they feel safe. What if my child just seems excited? Many children feel excited to go back to school. There’s a lot to be excited about, from seeing their friends again to learning about their favorite subjects. If your child is excited for the first day of school, celebrate and lean into it! Enjoy the anticipation and share the excitement with your child. Sometimes, though, too much excitement can start to get annoying – as all parents of young children know! For example, maybe your child asks you repeatedly and constantly, “How many more days until the first day of school?” If you find yourself getting annoyed by the incessant and repetitive questioning – totally understandable. My recommendation, try to turn it into a teachable moment. For example, you could get a visual countdown of days – or even a calendar, depending on how old your child is – and teach your child how to use it to find their own answer to their question. Online support groups for parents in New Jersey and New York Sometimes the tips I mention above just don't work out the way they should and parents often find themselves needing more support. If you find yourself struggling with back-to-school or any part of parenting, I have many different support options that can help. For dads, I facilitate a virtual support group for fathers who live in New Jersey or New York and who have children newborn-8 year old's. Our next meeting is schedule for Friday, Sept 15 at 10 am. To learn more click here. To let me know you are interested, send me an email at [email protected] I also facilitate a Single Moms support group for women of Color. I have one more spot left in the Mom’s group so contact me today if you are interested! Our next meeting is September 16th at 9:15 am. Lastly, I'm going to host a FREE online workshop in October for parents who want to learn how to manage their child's tantrums and meltdowns. To learn more and sign up click here. Thank you for reading and I wish you all a successful and stress-free back-to-school!
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 Photo by Lawrence Crayton on Pexel Father’s Day is coming up, and I want to take the opportunity to talk to you about something that I think is really important: the struggles of fatherhood.
Many of my readers and clients already know that I’m all about mom empowerment. I know firsthand (through both my personal experiences and my work as a therapist) how hard it is to be a mom. But, I also am very aware of how hard it is to be a dad. I think the difference is that society in general doesn’t talk about dads’ struggles nearly as much. Add that to the fact that men in general are experiencing what experts call a “friendship recession” – having fewer friends plus being less emotionally connected to the ones they do have - and you end up with a lot of dads who are feeling insecure, isolated, and emotionally exhausted. So, is there anything we can do about it? I can think of a few things that could help but first, let's get into common father struggles. What do Fathers struggle with? There are so many things that the dads I work with have told me they struggle with, from big and painful emotions to the pragmatic struggle of juggling lots of different responsibilities. Insecurity - many dads tell me that they feel insecure about parenthood – like they just aren’t “good enough,” no matter how much they try. In my experience, this is a common feeling among parents of any gender. We tend to be our own biggest critics, and it’s easy to start spiraling about how you’re doing as a parent. "Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Do I even know what I’m doing at all?" Although we all face such questions as parents, dads might especially struggle with these feelings because there isn’t a lot of emotional support out there. You may not have a supportive dad network that lets you know, “Hey, it’s okay. None of us really know what we’re doing.” Isolation - Research shows that men in general, whether they’re fathers or not, tend to be more socially isolated than women. For fathers in particular, there are a few potential reasons for this. Men suffer from “toxic masculinity” - meaning you might not have been shown how to develop deep and intimate friendships as a man. For new dads, that could mean that you end up feeling lonely and isolated as you try to show up in the best way possible but lack the emotional guidance you need from other male figures. You might not have deeper friendships outside of your family unit. Even if you do, the friends who aren’t fathers might not truly understand what you’re going through – and the ones who are dads might not know how to talk about it or even have time to talk about it. Dads can also feel isolated within their own home as their partner/spouse spends a lot of time with your newborn during what is commonly called the “fourth trimester”. It is not uncommon for fathers to report feeling like an outsider when it comes to helping out their partner/spouse during the fourth trimester and even during the first year of the child's life. Factors that can contribute to this feeling can include:
Work-life balance - balancing parenthood and work is another thing that we tend to associate with the mom struggle. But one survey found that dads were actually more likely to report significant conflict between family and work. For example, over 40% of dads agreed that “The demands of your family or personal relationships interfere with job-related activities,” compared with 33% of moms. Dads of young children (0 to 8) were also significantly more likely to feel that they weren’t spending enough time with their kids. Many dads also say that, although we’ve come a long way in terms of equality and parenting, moms are still societally expected to be the one to step up to the plate when it comes to childrearing. As moms, we are all-too-aware of this. But these types of stigmas and inequalities can be tough for dads in different ways – for example, they might be judged by their employer for taking time paternity leave and/or time off to take care of their sick child. Grieving the loss of your previous life - just like moms, dads often go through a period of grief for the lives they led before the baby came along. The birth of a child comes with so many changes. You might be spending a lot less time alone. You may no longer be able to engage in your hobbies. You might feel like you can’t contribute as much at work, and miss what that feels like. You both may also be grieving your previous childfree relationship or you find yourself the only one grieving that loss. We talk so much about mom grief. But just because dads don’t go through the physical changes of pregnancy and childbirth doesn’t mean that they don’t grieve, too. Undervalued and unseen - lastly, lots of dads feel undervalued as a parent because of the simple fact that they are male. This could look like feeling unappreciated for the things that you do contribute to parenting. But it could also mean that you feel like your potential or what you could be doing isn’t being taken advantage of. The mother of your baby, and the other women around her, could also unknowingly be pushing you out of having an equal role in child rearing. Statements like, "he's a man, what does he know," or "Let the mom handle that." This can be especially true when it comes to responsibilities like changing your child's diaper and/or bath time. Dads are also expected to “toughen up” and deal with their problems on their own. Research actually shows that 1 in 5 men experience a mental health problem during pregnancy and/or the first 6 months of the baby’s life. But you wouldn’t know it, because nobody talks about this and the support that is out there is not usually given as much news. As a result, you might wind up feeling like your feelings aren’t valid. What can help? Online support group for dads First and foremost, as many of my clients know,– I don’t claim to have all of the answers. Clearly, a lot needs to change in our society so that both dads and moms can feel more appreciated and fulfilled in their roles. But one thing I can help address is the isolation that you might be feeling as a dad. I firmly believe that dads need emotional support just as much as moms. That’s why I run a monthly, virtual father support group. In this support group for dads of kids aged 0 to 8, we address:
Aside from just promoting my group, I also want to let you know about other resources worth looking into. Fathering Together - a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing knowledge and sharing resources about fatherhood. Postpartum Support International - an international organization geared to providing support in helping both new dads and moms. Thank you for reading and I wish you and your loved ones a very Happy Father’s Day!
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 Photo by Kampus Production on Pexel In last month's blog post, I shared common reasons playing with our kids can be hard for many parents. Reasons like not having enough time, being too exhausted and in some cases, simply not enjoying little kids’ games were discussed. Missed that last blog post? Check it out here.
But, there’s another barrier I didn’t touch upon last month, which is: “Is my kid even having fun playing with me?” So many parents – myself included at times – don’t know how to properly gauge whether their child is authentically having a good time. Questions like, "Are they having fun playing with me?", "Do they even want to be playing this game right now?", "Are they bored?", are just a few of the questions that can arise when we are doubting our ability to engage our child. All of these worries are super common and normal for parents to have. I especially find this to be common among parents who are single parents and/or divorced. Today, I’m here to offer you some signs to look out for that will let you know your child is having fun playing with you. Tips on how to play with your child in a way that’s enjoyable for both of you will also be provided. Signs that your child is having fun with you First, I want to acknowledge the fact that while I'm trained to look out for these signs, I'm in no way an expert on your child and your relationship dynamic. I firmly believe that when parents are attuned to their child, they know them best and will instinctually know when their child is authentically having fun. So, do pay attention to your instinct. On the flip side, for some parents, it can be hard to pay attention to that instinct because they may have been taught to not trust it. Whether you are attuned or not, here are some signs to look out for. 1) Your Child is laughing in an amazing, almost contagious way Kids who are having a good time will often let out a deep belly laugh. You know the one – that silly, amazing laugh that sounds like pure joy. It’s that laugh that they’ve had since they were babies. Researchers say that babies’ laughter is so infectious because it’s authentic. And our ability to recognize genuine laughter (vs. a “fake laugh”) is universal across nations and cultures. So that’s what you’re looking for – that genuine belly laugh that lets you know that your child is having a great time. You may be wondering, can kids “fake laugh”? Yes, they can. Sometimes this laugh sounds like a nervous giggle or an exaggerated loud laugh. In my practice, I've noticed that a fake laugh most commonly comes up when a parent is tickling a child and/or playing a competitive game. What starts out as genuine play and laughter can easily turn into a nervous laugh when the child is starting to feel uncomfortable and wants to stop playing but doesn't know how. Being mindful of when your child's authentic belly laugh changes to a nervous giggle or almost yelling laugh can help you gauge when you may want to take a break and change to something else. 2) They are focused and not disconnecting Another sign that your child is having a truly good time playing with you is that they’re focused on the play and are not trying to distract you with their “antics.” Often in my play practice, I notice parents who are excited to play a new game/activity with their child only to be met with a child who either gets up and tries to play with something else or tries to annoy the parent by doing something silly. This can look like poking the parent, using language that the parent doesn't approve of, moving away from the parent. etc. I refer to such behavior as a disconnection. Such moments of disconnection can often be accompanied by a lot of giggling. Typically, when this happens, it is usually the child's way of letting us know that they are not enjoying themselves and want to move on to something else. If your child is not doing this, then great! They are more than likely enjoying play time with you. If they are disconnecting, then move on to something else. 3) They directly tell you they’re having fun and don't want to stop Don’t underestimate the power of words. Kids will often tell you if they’re having a good time as well as when they’re bored. If your child tells you that they don’t want to play with something because it’s boring, believe them! If they also tell you how much fun they are having, believe them too! Sometimes parents can doubt how much fun a child is having because the type of activity/play they are doing doesn't fit into the parents' definition of fun. Kids don’t tend to lie about these things and by honoring their likes and dislikes it can make them feel more comfortable to return again for some more. Why isn’t my child having fun playing with me? Now, let’s talk about the next burning question, which is: Why doesn’t it seem like my child is having fun? For some parents this can feel devastating but try not to take it personally. Instead, ty to understand that it may be more about what and how you’re playing. Some of the most common reasons children don’t have fun when playing are:
While there are certainly other reasons your child may not enjoy playtime with you - like sound and touch sensitives, the important thing is to pay attention to your child's verbal and non-verbal signals. Doing so will help you identify patterns during their play and will ultimately allow you to address barriers that are coming up. The last thing I will leave you with is information about a Summer Camp I am hosting for parents this Summer. One of the things I love about my practice is being able to help parents and children learn how to play together in a loving and joyful way. Witnessing their moments of connection and hearing their genuine laughter brings a true sense of fulfillment to me. Due to my time limitations, unfortunately, I'm unable to help as many families as I would like to, so I've put together a "camp" for Parents in the hopes of helping more families. This two-hour, four day, in-person workshop is aimed at helping parents learn how to play with their child and connect with other parents in the same boat. Essentially, the Summer Camp for Parents will focus on helping parents of 3-8 year old's:
I'm limiting this camp to four individuals so that I can provide tailored suggestions and have one on one time with each person as we play with various toys/tools. Toys, light refreshments and snacks will also be provided. Get in touch with me for more information and to sign up! Thank you as always for taking time to read this!
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 Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels Picture this: you’re finally home from a long day of work. Your child has already had dinner and is playing with their toys. You’re trying to relax. But then, they come up to you and ask you the often dreaded question: “Will you play with me?”. You groan. But then you feel guilty. You wonder, "Aren’t I supposed to like playing with my kid(s)?"
First and foremost, I want you to know, you are not a bad parent if the scenario described above is true. After all, you are a human being with your own interests, stresses and relationship dynamics. It's understandable, that the last thing you may want to do is carve out time to interact with another human. And.... just because you are a parent, doesn’t mean you should love playing with your child. In this month's blog, I'll talk about what it means to play with your child, common barriers you might face when it comes to playing with your child, and offer suggestions that might help you move past those barriers. Why don’t I want to play with my child? In order to reduce our guilt, it is first important to understand what our barriers/struggles may be. Some of the most common reasons I’ve heard from parents and personally experienced, when it comes to playing with children include:
Does any of the above resonate with you? Great, you've just solved the first problem - understanding what makes engaging in play so hard for you. The second step- understanding what play really is. What does it mean to play with your child? Play is generally defined as an enjoyable activity that has no clear “purpose” or “goal” – it’s something that we do spontaneously for the simple joy and fun of it. The American Academy of Pediatrics defines it as “an activity that is intrinsically motivated, entails active engagement, and results in joyful discovery.” Researchers have characterized different types of play. There’s the work of Mildred Parten, who identified 6 stages of play that children go through as they develop:
The National Institute for Play has also named different types of play that are relevant both for adults and for children:
So, to sum it up: Playing with your child means doing anything with them that is for the sole purpose of their (and your!) enjoyment. Yes, playing has many real benefits – it teaches children important executive functioning skills and is critical for their development. But playing is about more than just boosting skills. It’s about enjoying spontaneous, fun time together. And for those who may be wondering whether being in the same room on a device or reading a book while your child plays with their toys, doesn’t meet the definition of playing together. Doodling with markers next to your child who is also drawing with those markers? That could absolutely be parallel play. What are you to do with all of this? Now that you have all of this information, the next step is to figure out the best way for you to move past your barrier and engage your child and your inner child. Step 1: If your barrier is related to time, then, you WILL have to schedule time to play with your child. I know, I know. You don’t have time. But I can honestly say, the best advice I ever got, from my own therapist ;), was to schedule time to play with my daughter. At first I resisted, but when I actually took on the challenge and penciled time in my calendar to play with her, I found something amazing happened - I actually saved that time for her and worked other things around that allotted time. And when I did, I was ready and present to play. Granted, this took a lot of practice to get used to and my resistance was still a bit present, but it eventually set in motion a behavior that has become more of a self-care routine vs a chore. Yes, play is a form of self-care when you end up laughing and having fun. Step 2: If your barrier is you don't know how to play, then figure out what kind of play you like. For this, I would recommend two books that I credit with understanding my own play interests and helping me reinvigorate my inner child. The first is Play by Dr. Stuart Brown and the second is a book geared to women entitled The Gift Of Play: Why Adult Women Stop Playing and How to Start Again. Whether you get them in book format, kindle or audiobook, they are two that can help you on your play journey. Step 3: If your barriers are more deep rooted like feeling you are being manipulated then I would recommend you get some guidance from a therapist to help you flush out barriers from your past that may be preventing you to connect with your child. If you simply are just confused on how to play and don't know how to use toys to facilitate a fun time with your child, then I would recommend joining my Summer Camp for Parents. Beginning in July, I will be hosting a hands-on "camp" for parents where you can learn all about how to play with your kids. This is an in-person, 6-week camp for parents of young children (aged 2 to 8) who struggle with play. I'll teach you:
Space is limited to four individuals. Toys, light refreshments and snacks will be provided to make this a fun experience vs a lecture type group. Get in touch with me today if you’re interested in signing up! Let’s make it a playful summer.
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 Photo by Karolina Grabowska Let’s be real: co-parenting a child is hard – and that goes even for couples who are still together.
You’re two different people. You might have been raised differently or come from different backgrounds. And that means that you may not always agree on how to parent the child(ren) that you share. So, what can you do when you and your partner/ex disagree about something as important as parenting? It sucks to be in this position, but it’s really normal. I see a lot of parents in my practice trying to come to an agreement about parenting styles. Maybe you want to try gentle parenting, while your partner/ex prefers a more authoritarian approach. Maybe you’re having disagreements about how much responsibility your children should have around the house, or what type of discipline is the most appropriate. Some other common parenting disagreements include decisions about bedtime, screen time, what they should eat, religious beliefs and practices, how much money to spend on the kids, and more. There are so many varying expert opinions out there about all of these things. Even if you and your partner/ex have completely opposing views, you could probably both find experts to support you. It’s hard to know who’s “right” in these types of arguments! But the thing is, it’s not about who’s “right.” And it’s important to deal with different parenting styles in a way that sends the right message to your children. You might have heard the saying that parents need to be a united front or as my pediatrician told me, “kids will learn how to divide and conquer if the parents are on different pages”– and there’s so much truth to this. Consistency is always key when it comes to parenting, and that remains true even if you’re having parenting disagreements. How to deal with different parenting styles: Do’s and don’ts This isn’t the ultimate authority on how to navigate this challenge with your partner/ex. You know your relationship much better than I do, and it could be possible that you need a deeper intervention (like mediation or therapy) to come to an agreement. But, in general, following these do’s and don’ts when dealing with different parenting styles can help you protect both your child’s well-being as well as your relationship dynamic. 1. Do find a compromise, and try different approaches togethers. Even if you agree only to try something out for a few weeks as an experiment, it’s important that you are unified. For example, let’s say that one parent wants to use grounding as a discipline method while the other doesn’t believe it’s useful. If your child learns that they’ll get grounded by one parent but not the other (for the same misbehavior), then this will cause a lot of confusion for everyone involved. When you agree to try something out, both of you need to back each other up. 2. Don’t argue in front of your child, especially if you know that the argument will cause either one of you to explode. It’s okay for your child to see that you have disagreements that you work through sometimes. But it’s best that they don’t witness shouting, name-calling, or other ugly things that can come up during parental fights. They also shouldn’t be the decision-maker of who “wins” the argument – for example, don’t ask them their opinion on which parenting style they prefer. Keep it between the grown-ups. 3. Do know that it’s normal to have disagreements about parenting styles. Most couples talk about parenting, at least a little, before they have a baby. But unfortunately, there’s no way to really test parenting styles out until you already have a child. You and your partner/ex don’t have to agree on everything, and this doesn’t have to mean the end of your communication. Many parents work through these disagreements and find some common ground. 4. Don’t make it about proving your partner/ex wrong. This isn’t about being “right” or “winning” the argument. It’s about doing what’s best for your child – and when arguments like this happen, it’s because both of you want to do right by your child (and you think your way is what’s best). Express concerns rather than trying to win. Explain to your partner/ex why this parenting style or decision is so important to you. If possible, talk about how you were parented, and what you want to do differently (or similarly) to your parents. 5. Don’t make shady comments about your partner/ex to your kids. You know what I’m talking about – those sly or sarcastic comments that throw your partner/ex under the bus. I get it; it can be hard to bite your tongue sometimes. But kids pick up on more than we think, and can tell when you’re not being genuine. All this does is teach your child that it’s okay to be passive-aggressive and fight “dirty.” 6. Do consider getting outside support. If you can’t come to an agreement yourselves, then a therapist/religious leader/trusted family member may be able to help. Such individuals, including a couples or parenting therapist can provide a safe, neutral space where you can talk through your disagreements. They could give some education and guidance on what has worked for other parents as well as what the research says about some of the best methods for parenting. They may also help you both find common ground and come to a compromise. Another reality is sometimes parents are overwhelmed and fighting because they don't know how to connect to their child and/or their child has unique needs. Family therapy is another source of support that can help. Lastly, consider a parent support group. There are so many different types of groups but one that is aimed at helping parents improve their skills of communication and compromise can be beneficial. While I don't work with couples directly, you should know of two groups I am facilitating. One group is the Single Moms Support Group for Women of Color. This group is for single mothers who identify as a Woman of Color and want to connect with other single moms who understand the hardships of raising a child in a single parent household as well as trying to raise their kids differently than how they were raised. Check it out here. I'm also excited to announce that open enrollment is starting soon for my Summer Camp for Parents group. This "camp" is an in-person camp for parents of children ages 2-8 who are looking to learn how to play and connect with their child. Camp begins in July and will be held for six sessions in Middlesex, NJ. Click here to learn more and sign up to be notified when enrollment begins. Space is limited to four parents so don't wait! Thank you for reading!
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 Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexel If you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard about the importance of developing an attachment with your child. It’s especially important when your little one is a baby, in their first 18 months of life.
Okay – so we know it’s important. But what, exactly, does “attachment” mean? How do you know if your child is “attached,” and whether or not that attachment is a healthy one? In the world of mental health, we’re referring to something specific when we talk about parent-child attachment. This concept is rooted in attachment theory, which was developed in the 1960s by a psychologist named John Bowlby. According to attachment theory, we all develop one of 4 attachment styles to our caregivers as young children. These attachment styles continue to affect us through our lives and into our adult relationships. Adults with secure attachment tend to have higher self-esteem, better mental health, and healthier relationships. Secure attachment tends to form within the first 18 months of life. But even if – for whatever reason – your child wasn’t able to form a secure attachment early in their infancy, that doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. And vice versa: Even if your child did develop a secure attachment as a baby, that attachment can still be affected by your relationship later in their life. In today’s blog, I want to share some information about what different attachment styles can look like in young children, and how to start developing (or continuing to strengthen) a secure attachment as your child gets older. What are the 4 attachment styles? Attachment styles are split up into two umbrella categories: secure and insecure. Secure attachment is the healthiest form of attachment – what we’re all striving for with our kids. When your child is securely attached to you, they care about your opinion and presence – but they also trust you enough to be able to do some things on their own. In a young school-aged child, some signs of secure attachment might be:
Insecure attachment is an umbrella that includes 3 different attachment styles: anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. Kids with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style have a hard time trusting. In young kids, this might look like:
Kids with an avoidant attachment style reject their caregivers; it’s almost like they want to reject you before you can reject them. Kids with an avoidant attachment style often:
Kids with disorganized attachment show a mix of both avoidant and anxious-ambivalent behaviors. What causes insecure vs. secure attachment? A child’s attachment style is mostly based on parenting style and early childhood experiences. For example, a child who has gone through a separation with their parent(s) might develop an anxious attachment style. A child who has an emotionally absent or unresponsive parent might develop an avoidant attachment style. But instead of focusing on the negatives, let's focus on the positive - what leads to a secure attachment style. Parents of securely attached kids tend to:
So does your behavior matter to your child? Absolutely. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your “fault” if your child has developed an insecure attachment. There are so many variables. Maybe you lived with an illness when your child was an infant, which prevented you from being fully present. Maybe there was a separation that was out of your control. Let's not also forget to mention that none of us were given a parenting how-to manual when our kids were born. Most of us end up simply repeating what we observed our parents doing when we were young – and they weren’t given manuals, either. If we, ourselves, had/have an insecure attachment, then that’s probably affected the way we parent our kids. In any case, I’m not here to point fingers and find the person “responsible” for an insecure attachment. The important thing is to assess your own attachment style, your child’s attachment style and figure out the best way to move forward. How to work on building a secure attachment with your child No matter where you are on this journey, there are ways to build and strengthen a secure attachment with your child. And remember – this isn’t just about your relationship with them. It’s about the way they will relate to others for their lives to come. The first step is to figure out what attachment style your child does have. If you aren’t sure, I offer the Marschak Interaction Method assessment for almost every family I work with. This is an evidence-based tool that can give us some insight into what your and your child's attachment is like and what areas need to be strengthened. Second, examine your own attachment style. Like I said before, those of us who have insecure attachment styles ourselves are more likely to create that attachment style in our children. But there’s hope. Not only can you repair your child’s attachment style, you can also heal your own. Therapy can help. On top of these things, there are some other pointers to keep in mind when trying to repair the attachment with your child.
Helping our children develop a secure attachment is one of our most important tasks as parents. And no matter how old our children are, it’s never too late to start fostering this bond and helping them feel secure in the relationship they have with us. If you need some extra support, I’m here for you. Feel free to get in touch with me any time. Also head over to my support group page to learn about the latest group I am running and reach out if you are interested in joining. Wishing you much happiness and love on this Valentine’s day!
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 Photo by Ketut Subiyanto Happy New Year!
Let’s start 2023 off with a question that parents ask me often,, which is: “Why is my child testing me, and what can I do about it?” This is an inevitable, but extremely frustrating, developmental stage that almost all kids go through. Let’s say your kid is kicking against the back of your seat while you’re driving. You patiently ask them to stop. Then, looking you dead in the eye, they lift their little feet… and keep kicking. Argh! Rest assured -- this is a normal, and an even healthy, part of development for children, especially when they’re around the preschool and early school year age. But why do they do this, and how can you, as a parent, react? Let’s delve in. Why do children test their parents? First of all, know that you’re not alone. Many young kids in the preschool years -- maybe even all of them -- test their parents’ limits at least sometimes. This is normal behavior for a child this age, and there probably isn’t anything “wrong” with your child. Testing parents’ boundaries and challenging rules is actually a sign that your child is developmentally right where they need to be. But why do kids do this? There are many reasons. Mostly, it comes down to this: children often test their parents to make sure that their relationship with you is unbreakable. Think about it like an experiment your child is conducting. They know the rules, but they need to test them out to see what the consequences are for themselves. In other words, what will happen if they boldly disobey you immediately after you’ve asked them to do something? How will you react? Will you react predictably, in the same way that you did the last time they broke the rules? How much can they get away with? And, perhaps most importantly, will you still love them when they misbehave? Sometimes, this type of behavior can be stronger in kids with an insecure attachment style. Studies show that up to 30% of kids have an insecure attachment with their caregivers. A child with an insecure attachment could either be too clingy and needy, or too avoidant or aloof. They could feel less secure in the connection they have with you and be more inclined to test its breakability more often. But that doesn’t mean that testing boundaries is always a sign of an insecure attachment. Like I said before, testing your limits is a normal part of the toddler to early school-aged years. On top of testing your relationship, young children can also test boundaries just to assert personal freedom and their own identity. They’re see-sawing between being completely dependent on you and wanting to try things out on their own. They’re still learning who they are and are developing new skills every day. Children this age can also experience big emotions that they need your support managing. They might test you or break the rules simply because they’re tired, hungry, angry, or cranky. Lastly, preschool and early school-aged children need a lot of attention. If they learn that testing your limits is a sure-fire way to get your attention (even though it’s negative attention), then they will do it. What should you do when your child is testing you? How you react when your child is testing you is the most important piece of all of this. Trust me when I say, I know firsthand how hard it is to know how to react when your child is blatantly pushing your limits. But, there is a way to deal with it in a way that’s compassionate both to your child and to yourself. Reframe “challenging” as “testing the connection” When we think of our child’s behavior as “challenging” or “disobeying” us, this naturally makes us feel more upset as parents. Try to reframe testing behavior as, literally, testing the connection with me. Your child is just experimenting -- they’re testing the waters and trying to figure out what happens when they do so. They aren’t intentionally trying to manipulate you or push your buttons. In this “experiment” of theirs, how you react is what matters most -- it’s the answer they’re trying to get to. Connect with your child in the way they need No two children are alike. How does your child best feel loved and cared for? Is it through having some one-on-one time with you? Is it through physical touch, like a hug or a snuggle? Is it through play? In those tense moments when your child is testing you, remember that the most important answer they’re seeking is: “Will you still love me no matter what?” Show them your unequivocal YES in the way that they need you to. Make sure they feel loved in this critical moment. Read my 3-part series on How to Show Love to Your Child! Be clear and consistent As they say, consistency is key. We’ll save the discussion about logical consequences and behavior reinforcement for another day. But at the very least, try to react consistently when your child tests you. If you react with anger sometimes, patiently and kindly at other times, and simply ignore them at other times, then your child won’t get the answer to their “experiment” that they’re seeking. Identify their needs Try to help your child figure out what their needs are and get them met in a different way. For example, are they testing you because they’re hungry or tired? Do they simply want to see for themselves whether they are capable of doing something? Be patient with yourself Lastly, be kind and patient with yourself! Parenting is a hard job, especially when your child tests you in this way. Just like it’s normal for your child to test boundaries, it’s normal for you to be upset about it. Take it a day at a time, and allow the love that you have for your child to guide you. If you’re a Single mom who tends to get stuck in a cycle of self-criticism or wonder whether you’re doing a “good enough” job as a parent, then my Single Mom support group for Women of Color may be a good fit for you. This group is for you if you’re longing for a judgment-free zone to connect with other Latina moms and learn ways to feel less guilty about parenting and feel more confident. You can get in touch with me to join. First meeting starts January 21st, 2023. As always, I believe in you! You got this.
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 Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash One question parents ask me often is: What do I do when my child is manipulating me?
Maybe they go behind your back and ask their other parent or another adult in the room, for something you’ve already said no to. Maybe they throw a temper tantrum until you “give in” to what they want. Whatever it is, it feels manipulative, And you’re at a loss for what to do. The good news is that this type of behavior is common, and is often harmless. And it doesn’t mean that your child is out to get you! But I hear you: It can be infuriating, exhausting and even hurtful, to say the least. Here are a few things your child might be trying to tell you when they display these “manipulative” behaviors, and what you can do about it. What causes manipulative behavior in kids? Just so we’re clear, children – or at least the vast majority of children – aren’t inherently manipulative by nature. Manipulation, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, is to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage. In other words, we often think of manipulation as someone purposely using their behavior to try to trick or exploit us in some way. Kids at a young age don't understand this level of exploitation. Yes, they are smart and know how to work us but more on this later. As a mom, I completely understand that our children’s behavior can sometimes feel very manipulative. Sometimes, it feels like they are behaving in a certain way intentionally to push our buttons. And often, children do learn how to use their charms – or disruptive behaviors – to change our opinion and get us to do something for them. For example, they might whine about a decision we made until we change our mind. You might also notice your child demonstrating "manipulative" behaviors toward their siblings or friends. For example, they might tell a lie to a younger child to get something out of them. For many of the parents I work with this can be very concerning for them. The question I inevitably get is – why do kids behave in “manipulative” ways sometimes? The answer is usually they are just doing what they have learned gets them what they want. In other words, kids "manipulate" because it works. They aren’t scheming "little brats" or as some parents will say "a**holes". They’ve simply learned how to get you (or other people) to give them what they want by behaving in a certain way. These types of behaviors also aren’t usually intended to hurt or annoy you, even though it might feel like that sometimes. Your child probably doesn’t even realize how much these behaviors upset you. They’re simply trying to get their needs met in any way they can. So, what can you do about “manipulative” behavior? If you’re anything like me, what usually happens when your child shows manipulative behaviors is: you become upset, take it personally, assume you're being taken advantage of, or that your child is intentionally trying to outsmart you. All of which can make you feel angry. You may feel like you are being challenged into battle with them and therefore need to “fight” or show them who’s boss and nip this behavior in the bud. The problem is that children aren’t yet at the developmental level to do battle with us. It feels like they’re inviting us into battle, and I totally get that – but try to remember that what we see as “manipulation” is just a way – albeit a maladaptive way – your child is trying to get their needs met. Instead, the next time you feel like your child is “manipulating” you, try these things. 1) Reframe it Try changing the way you think about the behavior you are noticing. Instead of viewing it and describing it as manipulation, focus on what strengths this type of behavior represents in your child. For example, do these behaviors show cleverness? Creativity? A flair for the dramatic arts? One thing I often highlight to parents is how this type of behavior means their child is smart – they have learned what they need to do to get what they want and they are using it. This skill is definitely something that can serve them better later in life and even when negotiating play with other children. The next time you feel like your child is manipulating you, you might say to yourself: “They don’t have the developmental capacity to intentionally battle with me. They’re behaving this way because they have a need, and are simply replicating what has worked for them in the past." 2) Check in on yourself Again, children often use ‘manipulative” behavior in a maladaptive effort to get what they want. They learn that they can influence people in this way. One effective strategy is to check in with how your reactions to your child’s “manipulative” behavior might be causing it to continue. For example, let’s say that you tell your child they can’t have a certain item from the store. Your child begins to cry and may even escalate into a temper tantrum. Eventually, out of embarrassment, exhaustion, etc. you give in and give them what they initially wanted. While I understand all the factors that come into play into giving in - unfortunately, by doing so, we are teaching the child that they can change our mind by behaving in a certain way. So, why would they behave any differently despite our reminders, pleads and negotiations. Be mindful of how you and other adults might be contributing to conditioning behavior. This is not me saying it is your “fault,” but it does mean it is an area that needs modification so you can teach your child that such behavior isn’t the way to get their needs met. 3) Check in with your child Lastly, check in with your child needs. Remember, most kids show these types of behaviors as a way to get their needs met. Instead of focusing only on the behavior, make sure you’re also looking at what your child needs. For example, are they hungry? Are they tired? Do they need more attention from you? Or could something deeper be going on? Could they be sick, anxious about something or experiencing any kind of sensory issue? Figuring all of this out can be overwhelming and this is usually when child and family therapy can be helpful. Young children either don’t have the vocabulary to describe how they’re feeling, express their deepest needs or don’t know which words to use. As a result, we see a lot of "misbehavior". I specialize in working with children aged 3 to 8 and their parents to help figure out what the child's needs are and how to reduce "tantrum/manipulative" behavior. Get in touch with me to join my waitlist! If you are not interested in therapy right now but want to get some monthly parenting support, check out my latest support groups. As we close out this year, I would like to thank you for all of your support in reading and sharing my blog posts. I hope they are helpful to you. Wishing you and your loved ones a very happy holidays. See you next year! |