The Connection Between Tantrums and the Four Fundamental Needs of Every Child

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

A common issue that many parents of young children (3 to 8) seek help from me with is tantrums. Every child has them, but that doesn’t make them any less frustrating in the moment. 

This can especially be true when our child is old enough to use words to express their thoughts and feelings. We think, well, if they needed something, then they’d let me know.

Since, however, this is often not the case for young children, it can cause us to mistakenly believe that there’s no real need behind the tantrum and our child is just making life difficult for us. 

In other cases, our children may use words and tell us what is wrong, but, sometimes what they say isn’t really what the issue is - especially if they are not fully equipped to tell us what they need and when they need it.

A child being able to express their needs is often much more complex than just using words. Young children are still learning how their bodies work which means they don’t always understand the signals coming from their bodies, what they mean and how to verbalize it.

This is when they turn to us for help and sometimes, that helps comes in the form of a tantrum. When it does, it can be tricky to try to figure out what they’re trying to tell us!

What often helps parents I work with, is a reminder about some of the basic needs their growing children has. Below are a few of the basic needs of all children and even for us as adult.

When your child is having an emotional outburst or meltdown, run through them in your mind and see if they apply. The solution to reducing their tantrum might be simpler than you think!

Hunger
Some children are able to recognize that a rumbly tummy = hunger. But this isn’t always the case. Your child may be too young to notice and to communicate hunger signals. Children who are having tummy problems can also have a hard time differentiating between being hungry and having an upset tummy. 

Instead of talking with us, we may then see a tantrum. If your child is having a tantrum ask yourself, “When was the last time they ate, and could an unmet hunger need be at the root of their tantrum?” 


Thirst
Water is a basic human need for survival! But even as adults, we often misread thirst signals, so it’s not surprising that younger children often don’t realize they’re thirsty until they’re absolutely parched. And, being too thirsty can cause meltdowns, too.

Just like with hunger, ask yourself when was the last time they had something to drink. Having a drink handy at all times (i.e. water bottles and juice boxes) can allow you to offer it to your child regularly instead of waiting for them to tell you that they’re thirsty.

Support through illness
As parents we know that when our child is not feeling well, they can get cranky, irritable and have tantrums in one form or another. Supporting a child through an illness can look different for many of us. I know for me, I automatically go into anxious mode at the thought of getting sick myself and being out of work. 

The ability to support my child, as well as myself, is vital when we are dealing with the basic need of nurture. Prioritize their recovery vs trying to stick to the “standards” you have about their daily structure and nutrition. 

For example, in my household, there’s a running joke that my daughter loves it when she is sick. Why? Because this is when I let go of the "should's" - she shouldn’t be watching too much tv; she shouldn’t be eating too much of x, y and z foods. 

Instead, I prioritize her rest, hydration, and nutrition. Meaning, when she’s sick, she gets to watch TV for hours and drink lots of juice (i.e. not watered down). Sore throat? She gets ice cream!

Would a nutritionist or her pediatrician agree with this method? Don’t know and honestly, I don’t care. At this point, I do what works for me and my family. Rest, isolation (so everybody else doesn’t get sick! 😛) and hydration! These are the basic needs I take care of to prevent meltdowns.

Connection with you
​Lastly, children need to feel connected with you – it’s as basic a need as food or water. But we all know how hard it can be to pencil in one-on-one time into our schedules. This is especially true when we have more than one child, we’re a single parent, or there’s just a lot going on. Not only is there not enough time for connection some days, but often as parents, we’re simply too drained.

When we can figure out how to make time for one-on-one connection, however, it can pay off tremendously.

Now, I’m not saying you have to carve out hours of your afternoon to do special activities together every day. All your child needs is to feel connected with you, which really means capitalizing on the time that you and your child already spend together.

For example, you can meet their need for connection while you’re walking/driving to or from school and playing games like I Spy, or when you’re eating breakfast or preparing their lunch and talking about a show/program they enjoy watching.

And connection isn’t just about having long, deep conversations – you can also connect nonverbally. Make eye contact and smile; Position your body in a way that lets them know, “You have my full attention!”; Give them a gentle touch on their back to let them know you are aware of their presence and love them.

Takeaway & online workshop!
Thinking about these things when your child is having a tantrum can feel trivial or “silly” – but they’re often the culprit, and we can help our children a lot by paying attention to these needs.

Being mindful of the last time your child has eaten, had a drink, or slept – and if they might have a cold coming on can be extremely helpful.

While I know this can seem too basic and that life is sometimes much more intricate than tending to these needs, know that being mindful of such things often gets lost in the day to day responsibilities. Plus, as our child grow, we rely more heavily on their ability to verbalize their troubles. 

Remembering the basics will allow us to make a tangible change if we’re aware of it. And when we are made away of it and implement those changes, it can make our lives a whole lot easier! But, I understand how parenting life can be so overwhelming and implementing a change can be daunting without the right guidance. 

This is why I've recently expanded my services to include in-person and virtual workshops to educate and remind parents about this!

If you are looking for some first-hand tips and feedback on how you can better support your child's emotional well-being and learn how to make the most out of one on one time, then consider attending my next in-person parent workshop on 4/30!

I also am hosting my popular virtual workshop on April 16th about tantrums, where I’ll review what you need to know about your child's development and how to help your 3 to 8 child with tantrums and meltdowns.

I hope to see you, whether it’s in-person or online. Thanks so much for reading!

Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 struggling with managing their emotions, Parents- who want to improve their parenting skills and Adults - who are concerned about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14  years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here.  

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