Helping your child with Halloween fears (ages 3-8)
By now, I'm sure you've already seen a few Halloween decorations up.
Maybe there's a skeleton climbing out of the ground two houses down, and a screaming inflatable or animatronic is greeting you at the store entrance or in the Home depot aisle.
You may be noticing your child is suddenly refusing to walk past a certain house, or started calling you back into their room three times a night.
As parents, our first instinct is to explain: "It's not real. It's just plastic." That makes perfect sense to us. To a young child, it often doesn't, and it's not stubbornness - It's development.
A little meaning, and a little honesty
Halloween comes from All Hallows' Eve, the night before All Saints' Day. For many Puerto Rican and Latino Catholic families, early November is still about remembering loved ones who have passed.
Many of us who grew up Puerto Rican in New York also heard "Si no te portas bien, te va a llevar el cuco." (If you don't behave, the monster is coming to get you.) I personally heard stories at night about El Mano (The hand) - tales about a hand that would come to get children. 😧
At the time, it worked because it scared us. And, for a child who can't yet separate real from pretend, el cuco isn't a figure of speech, especially if there are animatronics everywhere we look. It can paralyze them from wanting to engage with anything "scary."
Therefore, I'd like to provide you with some quick tips on managing fears during this time of year.
What your child can actually understand, by age
Ages 3 to 5: The line between real and pretend is still blurry. This is the age of magical thinking, imaginary friends, and the monster in the closet. A child this age can know a decoration is "pretend" and still be truly afraid of it, because their brain can't hold those two ideas apart yet. Fears can get so intense they look like a phobia. Most of the time, they aren't, and children grow out of them.
Around 6: Children start to understand that death is final. Tombstones and skeletons can spark new questions, or worries about a grandparent or parent getting sick or dying. Bedtime fears often show up here.
Ages 7 and 8: They understand more about loss and the wider world, and they are becoming sensitive to embarrassment. A seven-year-old may act unbothered in front of friends and then cry about it privately, or hide that they're scared at all.
How to respect where they are
Skip the logic lesson. You can't reason a four-year-old out of a fear their brain isn't ready to sort through. Offer your presence instead: sit with them, hold their hand, sing, cuddle, leave a light on.
Avoid "you're being ridiculous." When we're tired, it slips out. To your child, the fear is real, and shame on top of fear makes bedtime harder, not easier.
Adjust the environment instead of the child. Take a different route past the scary house. Skip the Halloween aisle. Change the channel when a horror trailer comes on during the game.
Answer death questions simply and honestly, at the level your child can handle, and in line with your family's beliefs.
Remember every child is different. What one of your children shrugs off, another may carry to bed for a week.
And for you: if you've already said "it's not real" a dozen times and lost your own patience because your child is having a tantrum or refusing to go shopping with you, no worries. You are human and you are learning. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to try again.
Most seasonal fears fade. But if your child's sleep changes significantly and stays that way, or the fear starts getting in the way of daily life, that's worth a conversation with your pediatrician, healthcare team, or a play therapist.
Want more guidance?
My audio course, Understanding Your Child's Meltdowns, walks adults through what's typical at every age from 3 to 8, why threats backfire, age-by-age strategies, and when it's time to consider therapy.
It's about 2.5 hours, split into 10 short parts you can listen to in the car or while multitasking.
$50 · Get the recording →
Lastly, if you would like to learn more about common sensitivities children have, check out my other post here.
Thank you for reading,
Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 reduce their tantrums, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with over 15 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops and parent educational recordings, click here.
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