Having low confidence/self-esteem is something many people struggle with, especially in this social media era. Feeling as if you are not good enough, caring too much about what others think, discrediting and/or minimizing compliments you receive are just a few ways low confidence manifests itself. Building your confidence isn't impossible. It does require practice and in some cases, guidance from others. Below are a few tips I often share with my clients to help them build their confidence.
1) Create an Accomplishment List - if you struggle to remember your positive qualities, then it is time to create a list of positive feedback you receive. Whether it is about your grades, your cooking, sense of style, personality, career, etc., listing your current and past accomplishments can help lift your spirits. This list is meant to keep handy. So, when you are feeling unworthy or "down" about yourself, review it and remind yourself how great you are doing.
2) Pay Attention and Interact - nowadays we are so connected and involved with our devices that taking a moment to explore our surroundings is often considered a luxury. If you believe, even for one second, that no one is interested in you, I challenge you to take a moment to disconnect from your device, remove your earbuds and observe your environment. The purpose of this challenge is to get you to take notice of the things around you and the connections that are currently being made (i.e. other people smiling, people saying hello, strangers helping strangers, etc.). Yes, that sounds like something out of a movie, but it is happening. It is through connection with others that we often feel good about ourselves. Have you ever noticed the difference you feel after coming back from hanging out with friends vs. "hanging out" online? If not, start paying attention and add hanging out with family & friends part of this challenge.
3) Increase Positivity, Decrease Negativity - building your confidence takes practice and insight. Knowing what you like and dislike, sticking to your truth regardless of what others may think are key ingredients to building your confidence. Eating well, developing good sleep habits and surrounding yourself with positive people are all crucial to this equation too. People who support who you are and are willing to help support your true self can work wonders. Surrounding yourself with negative people/things, on the other hand, may make you feel like an outcast and/or unworthy; Attributes that can ultimately hinder your confidence and self-esteem. So, minimize how much you surround yourself with negativity and focus on being around things that put a smile on your face.
These three tips are by no means end all, be all of building confidence but they can be a great place to start. The road to building your confidence is not easy and sometimes there are some road blocks, but, it is possible. Good luck!
Many of my clients often ask, "What can I do to reduce my anxiety?" While my response often varies depending on an individual's specific situation, there are three core recommendations I often suggest that can help almost anyone.
1) Identify the Source of Your Stress - understanding who and/or what is causing your stress is the first step to reducing your anxiety. If you are able to identify what is causing your worry/anxiety, the next step is to ask yourself, "Is there anything I can do to change it?" Answering such a question can give you an opportunity to evaluate your situation and clarify any choices, if any, you may have.
2) Learn How To Manage - If you can reduce your anxiety, knowing how you can change it and taking action is important. Whether you are in the process of changing it or even if you are unable to make any changes, learning how to manage the anxiety is vital to maintaining your ability to continue functioning. Engaging in activities you find relaxing or finding an outlet for your worry may help release the negative emotions/symptoms associated with your situation. For some, going to the gym, knitting, watching a comedy, meditation, or simply a nice hot shower are a few of the activities they engage in so as to distract their mind and focus their thoughts on something enjoyable.
3). Try, Try and Try Again - learning what coping strategies are best for you is a trial and error process. What works best for one person, may not work well for you. I often encourage individuals to try various techniques until they find something that helps them relax. Of course, it is critical to first rule out any medical explanations for symptoms you may be experiencing like headaches, digestion issues, heart palpitations, etc. Also, if you are finding it difficult to reduce your anxiety on your own, it is important to understand the role therapy can play in helping you. In some cases, therapy can simply help individuals understand why they are stressed, while for others it is a form of guidance that helps clarify what options are available.
Self-esteem is defined by the Oxford Dictionary of Psychology as "one's attitude towards oneself or one's opinion or evaluation of oneself, which may be positive, neutral, or negative." Low self-esteem, in particular, is characterized by self-doubt, relationship insecurities, lack of confidence, sensitivity to criticism, and difficulty making decisions.
Individuals with low self-esteem tend to have a negative attitude, anxiety, unhealthy relationships, and/or have a tendency to self-sabotage good things in their life. Friendships, family interactions and one's career can all be affected by low self-esteem especially if he/she believes, "I'm not good enough," "I’ll never amount to anything," “I suck at everything,” "I'm not worthy."
Such beliefs can cloud a person's judgment and affect the way he/she perceives situations around them. For example, being passed up for a promotion may be interpreted as not "being good enough" when in fact the individual may have not taken the steps necessary to show interest or initiative. Having low self-esteem is not the end all, be all as there are ways to overcome this type of thinking. Below are a few suggestions on how you can begin improving your feelings of low self-esteem:
Acknowledge Your Positive Qualities - we all have positive attributes but recognizing them and owning them can be hard to do, especially if we have a tendency to focus on our negative traits. In order to counteract negative thinking, you may find making a list of your talents, skills and feel-good experiences to be helpful. Listing any compliments you have received regarding your personality, work, etc., can be beneficial as well. Composing such a list and referring to it when you feel you are doubting yourself can help to challenge these negative beliefs.
Surround Yourself With Positive People - being around people who are positive and supportive can help you build your confidence, improve your personal and professional relationships and reduce feelings associated with self-doubt. By interacting with positive, supportive family, friends and colleagues, you are more than likely to be challenged to think differently and engage in activities you may have otherwise avoided. Being around supportive people can also help to provide you with motivation to achieve successes you initially thought to be impossible.
Consider Therapy - in some cases, engaging is the above tasks is not enough to overcome low self-esteem, especially if the belief is deeply ingrained because of past traumatic experiences. Getting help from a mental health professional can help you understand the root of the problem, how certain factors in your life may be contributing to your low self-esteem and explore ways you can overcome your negative thoughts.
The holiday season, for the most part, brings a sense of excitement and happiness to many individuals who look forward to being around family and friends, celebrating traditions, and having shorter work weeks. There are, however, other sentiments that individuals experience as well that are not as often discussed; Anxiety, anger, exhaustion, depressed are just a few.
Anxiety - Holidays often equate to participating in family gatherings, which depending on family dynamics, can cause an individual to worry about various things. Concerns regarding religious and/or political disagreements, mom's approval of a new partner, whether dad will continue to express his disappointment with your career choice, etc., are just a few. Stressing about caring for your parents or spouse can also can also provoke anxiety .
Depression - individuals who lack a support system, are not involved in a significant relationship or are going through a life-hardship can feel depressed and isolated. This time of year can trigger one's feeling of loneliness. Questions like, "What are you doing for the holiday?" and/or relationship oriented commercials can serve as reminders of what they don't currently have.
Emotional exhaustion - sometimes the mere thought of all the planning, traveling and socializing a person will have to engage in, is enough to bring about a "cloud of gloom" or a sense of " being worked up." In other cases, memory of last year's disorder, dysfunction or drama can serve as a reminder of what an individual does not want to experience again. Plus, let's not forget the multitude of questions/interrogations from friends and family an individual may have to respond to regarding the status of their life (i.e. being single, having children, etc.)
With all of that said, it is important to be aware of your feelings during this time of year and learn how to cope and control them so as to prevent it from getting the better of you. Talking with friends and family you trust can help you learn how to best address your concerns. In some cases, a therapeutic professional can also prove beneficial to help sort out the various thoughts/feelings that some individuals don't fully understand.
Do you notice a negative affect on your well-being during the holiday season? Please share your thoughts below as well as any questions you may have.
Seeing a loved one suffer with depression is not an easy sight and at times can cause YOU to feel hopeless. For some individuals, depression can be debilitating and painful, making even the thought of getting help seem impossible. Trying to help someone who is depressed can be exhausting and met with many barriers. Arming yourself with knowledge, however, may help make the process easier. Below are a few suggestions of things to consider if you are trying to help someone you know.
Learn about Depression - there are many misconceptions about depression. Believing a person is lazy, weak and/or not interested in getting better are a few perceptions that individuals may have. Depression, is in fact, a common disorder that can be caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental and psychological factors. Generally speaking, interventions like medications, psychotherapy, and social support are needed in order to help alleviate symptoms.
Avoid Judgment - aside from understanding what depression is, it is also important to avoid judging your loved one. Being judgmental may cause your loved one to disregard what you are saying, especially if he/she is in denial of their symptoms. Being supportive by educating them about symptoms, options and resources can help provide the support they need and hopefully allow them to get some help.
Take Suicidal Talk Seriously - if your loved one has thoughts of hurting himself/herself it is important to contact his/her doctor right away or contact 911 if warranted. If they have not mentioned suicidal thoughts, be sure ask him/her directly so as to rule out the possibility. While some individuals may see this topic at taboo, it is crucial to know if these thoughts are floating around your loved one's head so that you can ensure treatment with the proper healthcare professional is obtained immediately.
Research Resources - knowing what types of assistance are available can help convince your loved one to reach out for help. Resources like local support groups, reading materials, online websites, etc., can help alleviate the feeling of isolation your loved one may be experiencing. Have this information handy when talking with him/her so that it will be immediately available when he/she needs it. Also consider including contact information for the National Suicide Hotline. This can be especially beneficial if your loved one is too ashamed to tell you the truth about his/her thoughts.
Aside from those listed above and those in the comments, what else should be included in this brief list of suggestions? Please share your thoughts below.
There may come a moment in your life, when you realize a loved one is in need of medical and/or a psychological attention due to physical, behavioral or mental changes they are exhibiting. Determining how and when to get them assistance can be difficult, anxiety-provoking, and filled with many unknowns. Below, are a few recommendations to consider if you are trying to get your loved one the medical/psychological attention you believe they need.
Talk with your loved one
Try to discuss your concerns with the person you are worried about. You may want to relay specific changes you have noticed and why you are concerned. If possible, try to refrain from making accusations, prematurely diagnosing, or becoming negative. The goal for this type of conversation is to relay what you have noticed, why are your worried and to express your feelings. Attaching feelings to your concerns may help your loved one feel reassured about your purpose. In other words, you don't want to give the impression that you are trying to control his/her life.
Should your loved one acknowledge a problem, consider arranging an immediate appointment with his/her primary physician or any other health care professional who believe is relevant to the problem identified. Your focus should be to serve as a support system to your loved one and help facilitate appointments and communication between any and all parties involved.
In the event your loved one denies having any problems and you are certain something is wrong, then consider some of the recommendations below. Keep in mind that factors like the relationship you have with your loved one, living far away, etc., may render some of these recommendations difficult to implement. Generally speaking, however, these are methods that have worked for some families.
Talk with friends, neighbors and/or other relatives
If you are unable to talk with your loved one directly, you may wish to discuss your concern with individuals who interact with your loved one on a frequent basis. This can be another relative, a close friend or even a neighbor. While you may not want to divulge anything about your loved one's well-being to people you don't know well, it could help give you better insight into what's going on with them.
Reach out to your loved one's Health Care Provider
Relaying your concern to your loved one's physician/mental health provider may be beneficial - provided you have his/her contact information. Be aware, however, that due to confidentiality regulations many health care professionals will not divulge any information regarding his/her patient's care. If a direct conversation with your loved one's provider is not possible, consider writing a letter explaining your reason for such contact, what you are noticing about your loved one and why you are concerned. At the very least, you will be notifying the provider and hopefully contributing to a more thorough evaluation the next time your loved one visits.
Plan an Unannounced Visit
An unexpected visit can be a great way of obtaining a glimpse of what is going on with your loved one, especially if you don't visit often. Visiting someone's home can often give you insight in to their priorities and functional capabilities. In other words, you want to assess things like the cleanliness of the home, their personal hygiene, their food supply and compare it to when your loved one was fine. Any changes could be further confirmation that something is wrong.
Reach out for Community Support
Depending on the specifics of your situation, you may find yourself needing additional "outside" support, especially if your loved one is refusing assistance but clearly needs some type of "intervention." If so, you may want to try reaching out to the department of social services or local mental health providers to inquire what, if anything, can be done to help your loved one. Certain cities and states have programs in place to help someone who may be at risk.
In the event you learn that there are no services to assist or that your "hands are tied", and it is causing you anxiety, my suggestion is to consider seeking therapy for yourself. Doing so can help alleviate the symptoms you are experiencing and may help prevent them from getting worse.
Do you have any other suggestions on getting a loved one help? Please share them below.
For some individuals, seeing a therapist is a necessary component to their ability to function. For others, therapy is viewed as a temporary solution to get over a "bump in the road." Regardless of how you view therapy, it is important to be aware of some of the common issues individuals may experience which could indicate the need for therapy. Below are a few of those issues:
1) Trouble Sleeping – any significant changes like difficulty in falling asleep, staying asleep or sleeping too much is usually a sign that something is wrong. Barring any underlying medical conditions, it is important to understand how problems related to work, home, health, or even within a relationship usually have a way of "creeping up" on an individual once they are settling in to relax. This can especially be true if an individual is trying to postpone dealing with a particular issue or is unsure how to cope.
2) Significant Changes in Your Normal Routine – changes associated with lose of appetite, mood, lack of interest in hobbies, etc., may also be a sign that therapy is warranted - especially if there is no medical explanation for the behavioral change. Regardless of how big or small the change is perceived, if significant enough, it can trigger an emotional and physiological response that the person may have little to no cotnrol over. Being able to identify changes in one's routine, can help an individual be proactive about getting the appropriate medical and/or mental health care needed.
3) Lack of a Support Network – the inability for an individual to speak with family or friends about what they are feeling is generally the result of either not having a supportive network or believing the network will be judgmental. Having someone to talk to regarding your innermost thoughts along with the ability to obtain constructive feedback, can be beneficial in many different ways. Therapy allows for such support, feedback and validation.
Knowing when you should seek therapy is definitely not as easy as it sounds. Being aware of some of the above changes, however, could allow for someone to reach out sooner as opposed to when they feel hopeless.
Do you have any other changes/symptoms you feel are important when trying to identify when someone should seek therapy? If so, please share them below.
Confrontation is an act many of us have engaged in as the result of trying to resolve a problem. For some people, confrontation is a normal part of the problem-solving process while for others it is something avoided at all costs. While there are many reasons one chooses to avoid confrontation, the root cause is usually the same - it produces anxiety. Below are a few reasons some people experience anxiety with regard to confrontation.
Fear of Being Disliked - voicing your opinion about what you feel is justified or fair ultimately means that the person sitting across from you may not like what they hear. As a result, they may not like you. For some individuals who want to be liked, need to be liked or simply do not want to ruin a relationship, forgoing a confrontation is viewed as the best way to maintain stability.
Afraid of Arguing - some individuals avoid confrontation for fear it will turn into a verbal altercation filled with angry outbursts and harsh words. For people who are afraid of arguing, the refusal to confront someone else is generally rooted in the desire to avoid a verbal fight. As a result, such individuals will generally concede to what is asked of them as opposed to saying otherwise -thereby leaving themselves open to being taken advantage of.
Inability to Articulate Thoughts - being involved in a confrontation often means emotions can get the better of you and impede on your ability to get your point across. Depending on who you are speaking with, this could lead to a person disregarding what you are saying. Should this happen frequently enough, it has the potential to cause a person to believe that expressing his/her thoughts is useless.
Confronting another individual can be hard for many people to do, especially if they are experiencing anxiety in relation to the reasons described above. And while some people will exhibit this type of behavior without any immediate consequences, the truth is, long-term avoidance may ultimately lead to getting taken advantage of, not achieving your goals and being unhappy. With some help, however, it is possible to learn new ways to overcome these issues so that you can be happy and get what you deserve out of life.
Do you have other reasons you would like to share about why someone may avoid confrontation? Or maybe you have overcome your own avoidance of confrontation? Please share your thoughts and/or stories below.
Improve my self-esteem? Be more positive and less stressed? Work on my personal relationship(s)? The list can go on and on. Regardless of what is on your Resolution list, it is important to remember there are certain aspects that must hold true in order to increase your chances of success and reduce the likelihood of failing to achieve your goals/desires for this year.
1). It Must Come From You- many of our intentions for change originate from good places but they are not often our own. In many cases, they can be other people's recommendations or beliefs of what we should look like, how we should be living our life and/or what type of relationship we should be in. And while you may want to pursue such changes, unless you truly have the desire to embark on the journey for yourself, the chances of success can be minimal. Therefore, make sure your goal is what YOU really want.
2). You Must Have a Plan - Once you identify what YOU want to work on, you then have to decide how to get there. Devising a plan can make the attainment of your goal much more realistic. For instance, if your goal is to improve your relationship(s), then sit down with a pen and paper and begin listing what specifically you want to improve, why it needs improving, and how you can do so. Essentially, you want to outline the steps you need to take so as to achieve your goal. Depending on your goal, this step can be difficult. Should you find yourself stuck, consider reaching out to family, friends or a professional to help you.
3) You Will Need Perseverance - Any aspiration worth attaining usually takes "blood, sweat and tears." In other words, hard work, dedication and sacrifice are usually required; Hence, why the first two points are extremely important. When things get tough, when you find yourself exhausted and want to quit, refer back to your reason(s) for pursuing your goal(s) and review your plan of action. Doing so can help reignite your spirit and give you more energy to continue forward.
Whether you are trying to lose weight, trying to improve your personal relationship or want to enhance who you are as a person, the above steps can be beneficial to achieving success.
What other strategies or recommendations do you believe can help? Please share them below.
Throughout my work with clients and even just in my own social circle, a common question arises...."What does a healthy relationship consist of?" In a previous post, I discussed 2 key components to a healthy relationship and in this post, I will add two more. While there are many factors that contribute to a thriving relationship, the amount of compromise and love that is shared between a couple is vital.
Compromise - a relationship consists of two separate individuals who generally have different personalities, upbringings, values and thoughts. Problems can arise when the two individuals either do not know how to come to terms over something they disagree with or are unwilling to do so. This can lead to a stubbornness mentality or "tit for tat" relationship, where each person becomes more focused on winning their side of the argument which ultimately causes a relationship to deteriorate.
The act of comprising cannot be seen as "giving in" but rather as a willingness to meet your partner halfway and respect his/her individual opinions; much like you probably did when you first started dating. Compromising is a skill that requires listening and communication - something that can be hard to do when a couple is at odds with each other and emotions get in the way. This is where guidance from trusted sources like a religious/spiritual affiliate, a relationship counselor and/or seminars, workshops and books geared to relationships can help. Once you are educated, patience and practice is then needed to enhance this skill.
Love - according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, love is "a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person." At the core of any relationship, a certain level of affection, concern, care and regard for the person you are with is needed in order to overcome certain differences. Love is often the stepping stone that allows us to be more considerate and respectful of our significant other's views. While love will not resolve all issues within a relationship, it is a strong force that can pave the way for better communication and compromise.
What are some of the resources you used to enhance your love and ability to compromise with your partner? Please share your thoughts below.