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What Is the Window of Tolerance for Children, and How Can It Help You in Your Parenting Journey?10/12/2024 ![]() Have you ever noticed that your child isn’t usually bothered by something, only to suddenly become super upset about it one day? Or that your child is upset in a situation where other children seem to be fine (or vice versa)? Learning about a concept called the window of tolerance might help you understand why. The window of tolerance is a psychological concept that provides an explanation for why certain things send us over the edge and not others. By learning about the window of tolerance, you can notice the signs that your child isn’t in their optimal state, and know how to help your child be able to tolerate a wider range of experiences. So let’s get into it! What is the “Window of tolerance” and how can you apply it in your parenting journey. What is the “window of tolerance,” in simple terms? The window of tolerance is a concept that was originally proposed by Dr. Dan Siegel to help explain why some people seem to get stressed out by some things while others don’t. Siegel said that we all have a zone — our “window of tolerance” — where we function optimally. We’re not too stressed, or too relaxed/sleepy — we’re just right. Kind of like Goldilocks! When we’re in our window of tolerance, our brains are functioning at their optimum level. It’s processing information, regulating emotions, and managing behavior. We’re able to sort of glide through life without becoming overwhelmed. But often, we’re not in our windows of tolerance — we’re either too “aroused”/stimulated (hyperarousal) or not stimulated enough (hypoarousal). Hyperarousal might be when you feel frazzled, chaotic, or overwhelmed. Hypoarousal might look like being lethargic, numb, or frozen. Each person has a different window of tolerance, so what might send someone else into hyperarousal/hypoarousal might not affect you at all, and vice versa. Revisiting the Goldilocks analogy, the “just right” bowl of porridge is going to be different for everyone. Some may find certain bowls of porridge too hot or too cold, while for you it’s just right. What the window of tolerance and its zones look like for children? It helps to be able to recognize when your child is within their window of tolerance and when they’re outside of it. Each child is unique, but knowing the most common signs of hyperarousal and hypoarousal can help you realize when your child might be outside of their window — which is when tantrums and meltdowns may begin. Some common signs of hyperarousal (overstimulated) in children include:
Some signs of hypoarousal (under stimulated) include:
On the other hand, when your child is in their window of tolerance, they’ll typically be “calm” (well, as calm as a toddler can be!), content, and relaxed. Some other signs that your child is within their window of tolerance are:
How can children expand the window of tolerance? One way you can use this information is to recognize when your child is in hyperarousal or hypoarousal, and take steps to help them get back in their window of tolerance. But another strategy is to help them widen the window of tolerance that they’re starting with, so that it takes more to put them into hyperarousal/hypoarousal. In other words, when children (and adults) have wider windows of tolerance, they’re able to handle a wider variety of experiences without becoming dysregulated or overwhelmed. One of the most important things is to make sure your child has their basic needs met. I talk about this in my parenting workshops and with my parent clients all the time. It sounds like such a minor, even silly thing — but think about it: we all know as parents that when our child is hungry, tired, thirsty, or feeling under the weather, they’re much more likely to have a meltdown or tantrum. Little things that don’t usually bother them can set them off. By making sure your child’s basic needs are met — they have snacks and drinks, they’ve slept enough, etc. — it can expand their window of tolerance and help them be able to roll with a wider range of experiences without becoming over/understimulated. Here are some other ideas to help your child widen their window of tolerance:
When does my child need therapy? No child — or adult, for that matter — can be within their window of tolerance at all times. We’re all going to have moments when we’re dysregulated, overwhelmed, and distracted. For young children, this is going to manifest as tantrums or meltdowns, and this is completely normal and not cause for concern. However, if your child’s behavior or big emotions are getting in the way of doing what they need to do — for example, they aren’t able to succeed at school or play with their peers — then professional support, like therapy, might be needed. Also, if you feel overwhelmed as a parent — it might feel like you’ve tried everything, and nothing is working — then some professional support for both you and your child might be beneficial. Parenting workshops for children aged 3 to 8 Aside from therapy, you may also want to consider attending parenting workshops. There are many places you can find parenting workshops like online, through your pediatric office, and even through your child's school. I myself offer parenting workshops and more recently have begun recording short recording for parents to view at a time that is convenient for them. I currently have one available that highlights key things to know if you are talking with your child about heavy topics like divorce or death. Visit this page to learn more about the course. I am also currently working on another recording about understanding typical developmental milestones for children 3-8 so be sure to sign up for my newsletter to receive notice about when that comes out. Even when nothing is “wrong” per se, parenting can still be a challenge. It can be even harder when your child, for whatever reason, gets pushed outside of their window of tolerance because that’s when those dreadful tantrums and meltdowns tend to start. Either way, the fact that you are reading this means you are already on the path to getting better at helping yourself and your child. So, great job! Thank you for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops, click here.
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