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![]() Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world – and no matter how much we love our children, there are moments when we just feel completely maxed out. You know the ones I’m talking about. Maybe you’ve had a long day at work, the house is a mess, you still need to prepare a meal and your patience is already running on fumes when your child has a meltdown or refuses to cooperate. Or maybe everything is going well, and then out of nowhere, your child hits you with a huge wave of emotional expression that leaves you thinking, “Where the h*ck did that come from?” Our children challenge us in ways we expect and also in ways that catch us completely off guard. And in those moments, staying connected to them can feel impossible – because let’s be real, when you’re at your max, it’s hard to feel connected to anything. It is not uncommon to feel like you are coming undone and want to retreat or attack. But here’s the thing I always try to remind myself of (and what I remind the parents I work with) - connection is often the key to helping our children through these tough moments. Most of the time, their challenging behaviors are a way of telling us something isn’t right. They may not have the words to explain what’s wrong and their behavior is often a signal of an unmet need. One of the main ways we can address those needs is by staying connected. So, what do I mean by staying connected: I mean staying present with them. And, while this can seem very simple, the truth is that for some of us, it is the most difficult thing to do. If you grew up in a household where you were sent away because of your misbehavior, were berated when you did something "wrong", were physically punished or given the silent treatment by your primary caregiver - then staying present emotionally, physically and mentally can be a challenge. Understanding why it may be hard for you to support your child when they are challenging you can be the key to helping you increase your ability to support your child. In a previous blog, I list some books that can be helpful in understanding your triggers and helping you become the parent you want to be. Be sure to check it out. For the purpose of this post, I want to share some practical tips to help you stay connected to your child – even when you feel like you’re at your breaking point. Tips to stay connectedWhen you’re in those tough moments, it can be tempting to focus on “fixing” your child’s behavior or just getting through the situation. But sometimes, what your child needs most isn’t a fix – it’s you. Here are some ways to build and maintain that connection, even when you’re stretched thin. Be presentOne of the most important ways to stay connected to your child is to simply be present. I know that sounds obvious, but let me explain what I mean. Being present doesn’t just mean physically being in the room with your child – it means being emotionally available to them in that moment. It means putting down whatever is in your hand, tuning out the distractions, and focusing on your child with your full attention. I get it – this is easier said than done when you’re running on empty. But even just a few minutes of undivided attention can make a huge difference. For example, when my daughter is having a tough time and I’m overstimulated, I’ve learned that taking a deep breath and remind myself that “this too shall pass,” allows me to pause what I’m doing and say something along the lines of, “I’m listening. What’s going on?” Sometimes, that’s all she needs to feel heard and validated which allows her to calm down. Other times, it doesn’t work right away, but it still shows her that I care and that I’m fully present for her – even when I’m struggling myself. Bonus tip: Here's a tip I learned as a Registered Play Therapist, pay attention to your toes. Are they pointed towards your child or away from them. Generally speaking, our feet are pointed in the direction of the person or thing that has our attention, which usually means are body is facing that way too. So....check in with yourself and shift your toes in the direction of your child. Offer words of reassuranceWhen children are upset or acting out, they often need to hear that they are still loved and safe. Offering words of reassurance can help your child feel secure and remind them that you’re on their side. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their behavior or “let them get away” with something. It’s about separating their actions from their worth as a person. For example, you might say something like:
I know that in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to find the right words. This is the trial and error part as there isn’t a “one size fits all” statement. But even a simple, “I’m here” or “I love you” can go a long way in helping your child feel connected to you. Get lowWhen your child is upset, your tone of voice and body language can have a big impact on how they respond. If you find yourself starting to raise your voice or feeling physically tense, try doing the opposite – lower your voice and your body. Getting down to your child’s level (like kneeling or sitting) can help them feel less threatened, and speaking in a calm, quiet tone can also create a sense of safety. I’ve noticed that when I physically lower myself to a child’s level their energy starts to shift almost immediately. It’s like they can feel that I’m meeting them where they are at, rather than towering over them. Pairing this with soft words, like “Hey, it’s okay,” can make all the difference. Now, don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean you have to “let go” of the limits or boundaries you’ve set. You can still hold firm. Doing so with a calm, grounded presence will often help you stay connected while addressing the situation. Take a pause and a deep breath to regulate yourselfLet’s be real – when your child is having a meltdown, it’s easy to get caught up in their emotions and start to feel dysregulated yourself. This is why one of the most important things you can do is pause and take a breath. It’s kind of cliché, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or angry, it’s going to be really hard to show up for your child in the way they need. When you notice yourself starting to lose patience, take a moment to pause and ground yourself. This might look like:
I know it might seem "selfish and irresponsible" to focus on yourself in the middle of your child’s meltdown, but the truth is, regulating yourself helps your child regulate, too (this is called coregulation). When you stay calm, you’re modeling emotional regulation for them – and that’s a powerful gift. Be the parent you neededThis one is close to my heart. When I reflect on the moments my daughter challenges me the most, I try to picture myself when I was a child. What did I need when I was struggling? Did I need someone to lecture me or punish me for acting out? Or did I need someone to see past my behavior and recognize that I was hurting? As parents, we’re not perfect – and we’re not supposed to be. But when we show up for our kids with the love, patience, and understanding we needed as children, we create a powerful connection that helps them feel safe and seen. So the next time you’re feeling maxed out, try asking yourself: “What would have helped me in this moment?” And then offer that to your child – and to yourself. Play therapy and parenting workshopsIf you need more support, check out my video recording on understanding your child’s meltdowns and tantrums, and what to do about them. It includes 17 lessons for parents and caregivers of children aged 3 to 8, and I go over topics like typical challenges for children this ages and practical strategies you might try.
Thanks for reading! Christine M. Valentín is a Registered Play Therapist™ who helps children 3-8 manage their emotions, Parents- improve their parenting skills and Adults - reduce their worry about an aging parent. As a Latina therapist, with 14 years of private practice experience, Christine loves helping people become a more confident version of themselves and develop better relationships within their family. To read her other blog posts, click here. Christine is also passionate about educating parents and mental health professionals. To learn about upcoming workshops, click here.
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